Being Selfish

What if taking care of yourself first is what makes your greatest contribution possible?

Many of us have learned the opposite. We believe being good means putting everyone else first, giving at our own expense, and ignoring what we need. Then we wonder why we’re exhausted and resentful.

When I suggest spending time understanding your own mind, honoring your desires, or saying no to something you don’t want to do, it can feel selfish.

I want to challenge that idea. Taking care of yourself is different from taking from someone else at their expense. That distinction changes how you can give.

There is a place between self-sacrifice and taking from others

At one end, you give and give with no regard for your needs. You constantly deplete yourself. That isn’t sustainable.

At the other end, you expect other people to sacrifice themselves so you can have what you want. You take without regard for them.

I’m interested in the place in the middle. You fill yourself up. You get to know your brain, care for yourself, and love yourself. From that place, you have more to offer.

You can’t keep pouring from an empty pitcher. Filling your own pitcher first gives you something to share.

I believe most of us have an intrinsic desire to contribute. Self-care gives us a well to draw from when we act on that desire.

The work on myself became work I could share

There was a time when I needed to focus deeply on my own mind and emotional life. I had to study, spend time alone with my thoughts, and understand why I was acting the way I was.

I could have told myself to stop thinking about myself and simply give to others. But I didn’t have much to give. I was full of pain and negative energy.

Taking that time helped me understand and care for myself. Then I could teach what I had learned. Other people learned it, used it, and taught it to someone else.

That contribution grew because I had done the work for myself first. Calling that work selfish and stopping it would have limited what I could offer.

Working on yourself can make your life bigger in terms of contribution. It doesn’t have to make it smaller.

Withdrawing your giving isn’t taking from someone

Imagine you have always made the lunches, cleaned the house, made the beds, or tidied the office. Everyone has come to expect it.

Now you decide you don’t want to keep doing all of it. Someone may be upset and feel as though you are taking something away from them.

But withdrawing something you have been giving is different from asking them to give something at their expense. You are taking part of your own life back, rather than making a withdrawal from theirs.

Saying you are no longer giving your time is different from demanding that someone give you their time.

Be clear about which one you are doing. Asking someone to sacrifice what they want so you can have it is worth examining. Reclaiming energy you have been giving at your own expense is another matter.

Say no when yes would be a lie

Suppose a friend asks you to bake cupcakes and work at a school bake sale. You don’t want to do it, but you say yes because you want her to like you.

You show up, smile, and behave pleasantly. Your friend is happy. From the outside, it seems like a good contribution.

Inside, you don’t want to be there. You’re pretending and feeling resentful. The experience depletes you because your yes wasn’t true.

Now imagine that friend asks you to teach the children the Self-Coaching Model. In that hypothetical situation, my answer would be an excited yes. I would look forward to it and feel energized by the contribution.

The difference isn’t that one activity counts as giving and the other doesn’t. The difference is whether the contribution comes from truth or from an attempt to control someone’s opinion of you.

If you decline the bake sale and choose to stay home with a book, someone might call you selfish. That doesn’t require you to change your answer.

It isn’t selfish to tell the truth. Sometimes telling it is much harder than saying yes, because you have to let go of controlling what the other person thinks.

Build self-regard instead of trying to earn it outside you

When we don’t regard ourselves, we may try to get that regard from other people. We people-please, do things we don’t want to do, and sometimes lie about what we want so we can be liked.

The resentment and exhaustion show us what that approach is costing.

Having self-respect first gives you a different place to act from. You can offer something because it is true for you, rather than trying to receive proof that you are a good person.

When I set boundaries, tell the truth, and get clear about what I want to do, I have more energy. Giving from authenticity can energize me. Giving from obligation can wear me out.

Other people will have their own beliefs about what you should do. You can let them have those beliefs while deciding what is true for you.

Check the reason behind your giving

This applies to money, too. When someone asks for a donation or contribution, I pause.

Am I giving because I genuinely want to contribute? Or am I trying to influence what the person thinks of me? Am I trying to prove something about myself?

I want integrity with my money. A true contribution feels very different from giving out of obligation. It’s your money, and your opinion about what to do with it matters.

Give yourself enough space to know your own opinion, rather than automatically following all the voices telling you what you should want.

Let other people care for themselves, too

This works both ways. You get to live from your truth, and other people get to live from theirs.

Wanting someone to change who they are, lie about what they want, or do something they resent won’t create the relationship you want. If you depend on them sacrificing themselves, you are also depending on something they can take away.

Take responsibility for caring for yourself instead. Let others do the same. Then you can contribute together from fullness rather than pulling from each other.

If the word selfish feels wrong, call it self-care. Either way, fill yourself up first. Tell yourself the truth. Honor what you need.

Then notice what becomes possible when your giving comes from abundance, energy, and a genuine desire to contribute.