Desirability

Do you know what you desire, or are you busy trying to be desirable?

Those are different questions. One asks what you genuinely want to experience. The other asks how you can become something another person wants.

Many of us, especially women, have received so many messages about desirability that we confuse the two. We learn how important it is to look appealing and get attention. We spend less time learning to listen to ourselves.

In Episode 360, I talked about what that costs us and what it takes to be seen as our whole selves.

The attention doesn’t necessarily meet the yearning

As a young woman, I spent so much time trying to be thin enough to be desirable. I thought being pretty enough and receiving attention would fulfill something inside me.

It didn’t work that way. The pursuit led me into self-destructive behavior and more neediness. I hated myself for not being desired enough.

The yearning wasn’t resolved by becoming more focused on the surface. It became more intense.

Look at your own history. How much energy have you spent trying to be pleasant, attractive, impressive, or acceptable so someone would want you?

Then ask what you thought their wanting you would give you.

A facade attracts interest in the facade

When we discuss dating, I notice people pretending to be something they aren’t so someone will desire them.

They hide ambition, emotion, yearning, or success. They present an image they believe will be easier to want.

If you offer only surface qualities, you may attract someone interested only in those qualities. Then you feel unfulfilled because the deeper part of you isn’t seen.

You may be presenting a body, money, a car, or a house while withholding what is true in your heart.

Physical attraction matters. I’m not dismissing it. It is one piece of the whole, rather than the entire relationship.

If you want to be known beyond appearance, you have to let more of you be visible.

Being seen requires the possibility of rejection

We want to be seen and known. But we can’t be known if we don’t show who we are.

And showing ourselves means someone may not want what they see.

If a person only wants an illusion and rejects the whole version of you, that person isn’t the match for the relationship you want.

You can let them move on. You don’t have to reshape yourself into the illusion to keep them.

The hard part is being willing to show your humanity, including the parts you don’t love, and give someone the opportunity to say no.

When you find someone you desire who also wants to know you fully, there is room for growth and connection. The relationship can begin from truth rather than two performances.

Ask what you want enough to risk heartbreak

What do you actually want in your relationship? What are you willing to have your heart broken for?

You might want companionship or someone who looks good beside you. Tell yourself the truth about that and make sure you like your reason.

Or you might want a deeper connection: someone who understands your humanity, wants to grow with you, and shares the direction you want to go.

If that is your desire, trying to become whatever they want to look at can work against it.

You begin looking into their eyes for information about who you should be. You spend less time knowing what you want.

You may even restrict the love you want to give because you are afraid the full amount would be undesirable.

That blocks your expression rather than allowing the relationship you say you want.

Create a home base of love for yourself

In a workshop I described in the episode, we worked on finding love within ourselves first. I called this our lovability: our ability to love ourselves and receive that love from ourselves.

That becomes a home base.

From there, you can venture into relationships and show your desires and truth. Rejection doesn’t have to destroy the connection you have with yourself.

You are choosing to pursue what you desire even when it means you won’t be desirable to every person.

Thoughts create feelings, which drive actions and results. Notice the thoughts you use to interpret rejection or another person’s attraction. Are you making their preference the definition of your value?

You can come back to your own relationship with yourself and decide how you want to continue.

Make two lists and compare them

First, write what you genuinely want in your relationships from now through the rest of your life.

Do you want to be known for your heart, values, spirit, and desire to grow? What kind of connection matters to you?

Second, write a history of what you have done to become desirable. What did you learn to do? When did you learn it? How has it affected your choices?

Then compare the lists.

Does the strategy of trying to be desirable help you create what you want? Or does it ask you to hide the very parts you want someone to know?

For some people, the performance centers on beauty. For others, it centers on money or another measure. Write what is true for you rather than assuming your story must fit a category.

Go underneath the surface desire

If you want to be thinner, prettier, or sexier so someone will desire you, ask why you want to be desired.

What is that longing about? What do you hope the attention will provide?

Keep going until you understand what you want for yourself.

Then ask where you need to expose your vulnerability to give that desire a chance to be met. What would you show if you weren’t hiding behind a version you think is more acceptable?

Knowing your desire gives you a direction. Being willing to tell the truth gives another person a chance to see you.

You don’t have to spend your life becoming a facade someone wants. You can pursue a connection in which the whole of you is known.