When You Decide to Leave

Something can end and still have been a tremendous success.

A relationship, career, business partnership, or place you live doesn’t have to continue forever to count as good. It can be complete. It can have given you something valuable. You can love it and still want to leave.

We often make endings mean failure. Then we think we need to destroy what we have before we’re justified in changing it.

In Episode 338, I talked about making a different kind of decision: one that honors what is true for you and allows you to leave with love.

Being happy doesn’t obligate you to stay

I teach finding your own happiness before you leave rather than changing circumstances in pursuit of it. Happiness happens through your thinking. I want you to understand the power you have in your own mind.

That brings up an obvious question: If you are happy, why leave?

Because you want to.

This is your life. You get to choose what to do with it. You don’t need to be miserable before you are allowed to want something different.

At the time of the episode, Chris and I had decided to change our relationship. We were no longer pursuing a romantic relationship or continuing as business partners. We remained committed as parents, family, and very good friends.

We weren’t making that change because we hated each other or needed to fix unhappiness. We had talked about what we wanted and what mattered to us.

An ending doesn’t require making the other person wrong.

Notice the urgency to escape

When you feel a rush to leave so you can feel better, slow down and look at your thinking. You may be trying to escape pain by changing the outside world.

Our thoughts create feelings, which drive actions and results. Understanding that helps you separate the decision you want to make from the emotion you want to get away from.

Ask whether you are ready to leave or whether you need to work on your mind first. Can you tell the truth, communicate, and feel solid in your choice?

I recommend finding your way to love. In a situation involving abuse, that can mean loving yourself fiercely through the issue. Where abuse isn’t involved, you may also be able to appreciate the person, the history, coworkers, or what the situation has given you.

You don’t need to manufacture anger or hatred to have a reason to go.

Whether you choose to stay or leave, make sure you really like your reason.

Give the emotion time to be processed

A friend of mine left a career and business she had spent 25 years building. People depended on her, and she had made commitments and promises.

She no longer wanted to do the work. She also didn’t want to run away in pursuit of the immediate relief of quitting.

She created a long, thoughtful process. She listened to people, felt her own emotions, and made decisions with care for herself and everyone involved.

That is the kind of ending I want to make possible. People may still be confused or upset. They may see something that seems to be working and not understand why you would change it.

You can give yourself and them time to process the change rather than demanding that every feeling be resolved instantly.

In the episode, I offered the example of deciding to make a change in 90 days. The point was creating space before the change to feel emotion in waves and have meaningful conversations.

There may still be emotion afterward. Processing in advance doesn’t promise a painless ending. It gives you a way to move through it consciously.

A good goodbye can preserve what matters

As a CEO, I have had many goodbyes with employees who moved on, started companies, or found that the job was no longer a fit.

When there is time to talk and process, the last day can come with less left unsaid. We can be honest and caring rather than treating the ending as an attack on someone’s worth.

Sometimes a job has changed or what I want from it has changed. I can take responsibility for my decision without making the other person the problem.

I want my goodbyes to be good. That means honoring the decision and the human beings involved.

Finding your way back to love may also reveal that you want to stay. Sometimes the desire to leave is really a desire to get out of hatred and pain. Once you work on that, the decision changes.

Tell yourself the real reason

You may stay in a job because a boss supported you and you don’t want to disappoint them. You may stay in a relationship because you want a two-parent household, value your religion, or want to honor another priority.

You get to choose those reasons. But be honest about them.

There is a difference between telling yourself you have no choice and acknowledging the reason you choose to stay. The second gives you your power back.

Making the decision a contest over who should feel bad can trap a people pleaser. You keep sacrificing your own desire so someone else won’t be upset.

Look at whether that is what you are choosing. Don’t hide it from yourself and then let resentment destroy the relationship.

You can also want to leave without doing it immediately. A desire doesn’t have to become an urgent command. You can acknowledge it and decide on your timing.

You don’t need a more acceptable story

I see people leave jobs to build businesses and then soften the truth when someone questions them. They want to build something big, but say the job was going away or the career wasn’t serving them.

Notice those subtle explanations. Are you replacing your desire with a reason you think someone else will approve of?

You don’t have to tell everyone every detail. You can protect privacy and choose not to discuss a decision. At least tell yourself the truth.

Other people will have opinions. Listen, try them on, and decide what you believe. They don’t live your life.

Your next circumstance will still include the 50/50 human experience. Don’t use leaving as a promise of permanent happiness, and don’t use staying as a way to lose yourself.

Sometimes leaving leads to growth. Sometimes staying does. Find the path that helps you evolve, and honor what is true in your own heart with patience and love.