Sometimes I Suck and It’s OK

Sometimes you are going to show up as less than your best self.

You may forget something important, say something thoughtless, fail to follow through, or knowingly do something you wish you hadn’t done.

Then you feel terrible. Your face gets hot. Shame comes up. And you want to defend yourself, explain it away, or make the other person forgive you so you can stop feeling bad.

In Episode 376, I talked about another way to move through it: accept what happened, forgive yourself for being human, process the emotion, and make room for the other person’s experience.

The moment before you get defensive

A colleague brought something to my attention that had affected another person. Part of what they believed I had done wasn’t what happened, but I had still done something I didn’t feel good about.

I didn’t share the details because I wanted to protect the person’s privacy. The process mattered more than the specifics.

My first response was devastation and shame. Then I became defensive.

I see this in clients, too. We feel afraid that a mistake means something is wrong with us, so we immediately try to fix the feeling by denying, justifying, or pushing back.

I chose to acknowledge what happened and let myself feel. I remembered that I was human and that mistakes are part of life.

That gave me room to stop fighting the person and start understanding.

Never use the Model at someone

If someone says you hurt their feelings, don’t throw thought work in their face.

Responding that their thoughts hurt them and that it is their responsibility is using the Model to defend yourself. That isn’t the purpose of the tool.

I coached a couple where one person did that as the other tried to describe being hurt. It shut the conversation down. They wanted connection and created the opposite.

Use the Model on yourself. Why are you defensive? Why did you do the thing? What thought is creating your shame or your urge to react?

Thoughts create feelings, which drive actions and results. That understanding gives you a way to become aware of your own behavior.

In a coaching relationship, with permission, showing someone their thoughts can be appropriate. In an argument, using the Model as a weapon doesn’t help you connect.

Forgiveness makes room for empathy

You can own a mistake without deciding you are a terrible human being.

Let yourself feel what comes up. You may feel disappointment, shame, frustration, or something you simply describe as yuck.

Forgiving yourself for being human doesn’t mean pretending the action was fine. It means you can acknowledge it without adding endless self-attack.

From there, you can consider the other person’s perspective.

When I did that, my focus shifted. I could think about what the experience must have been like for her instead of only trying to protect myself.

Apologizing, explaining where I was coming from, and asking what I could do to make it right became about connection rather than defending my image.

An apology isn’t a request to fix your shame

Before reaching out, I want you to process your own feelings. Don’t make the other person responsible for helping you feel better.

They don’t have to accept the apology. They don’t have to forgive you. They don’t have to stop being upset.

You can still apologize from a pure heart without expecting something in return.

If you need forgiveness so badly that you start manipulating the conversation, you may lose the ability to be present with their experience.

You can acknowledge consequences, including losing a relationship or job, without using the apology to demand that those consequences disappear.

Owning what happened and accepting your humanity gives you a path toward completion. Trying to control their response can keep you trapped.

Feeling disappointment is different from beating yourself up

This work also applies to promises you make to yourself.

Suppose you procrastinated all week. You may say the good news is that at least you didn’t beat yourself up.

I don’t want you to beat yourself up. I also don’t want you to dismiss disappointment that could help you understand what happened.

You can feel bad about not doing what you intended. You can acknowledge that you didn’t show up the way you wanted and allow the emotion.

I don’t think shame is how we grow. I do think we need to process shame when it is present so we can move through it.

Pretending there is no negative emotion skips that work. Attacking yourself adds more pain. Allowing the feeling gives you another option.

Notice the little lies that protect your image

An employee once denied a mistake when I asked about it. I understood that shame could have prompted the reaction. The lie still made the situation harder.

Look at the small things you hide or misrepresent so people see you a certain way.

It might involve success, money, eating, preferences, or whether you really want something. You know when you aren’t telling the truth.

Those small lies can accumulate into a false relationship with yourself.

The process is the same: notice it, acknowledge it, forgive yourself for being human, and process the discomfort. Then decide what action you want to take.

Acceptance is where the work begins

When you blame, justify, or deny, you are often trying to feel better. That rarely creates the understanding you need.

You don’t need to feel bad forever. You can feel the pain of a mistake, learn from it, apologize if you choose, and move on.

I want to remain open to finding truth in feedback, even when I don’t remember a situation exactly the same way. Openness feels better to me than immediately putting up a fight.

When you accept the part that is true, the resistance can end and the work can begin.

You are going to get things wrong. That doesn’t require hiding from your life. Learning to forgive yourself makes it easier to take risks and keep evolving.

Listen. Own your part. Feel what you feel. You can be human, make a mistake, and still have your own back.