Knowing What You Want Is Scary

In a perfect world, what do you really want?

Not what you think you can have. Not what you think you should want. What do you want?

I ask this question of students who tell me they don't know. When I change the question slightly—what if you did know, or what would you want in a perfect world—the answers often come pouring out.

The desire was there. The permission to acknowledge it wasn't.

In Episode 381, I shared why knowing what you want can be scary, and how to let that truth into your awareness without giving up your power to decide.

Separate true desire from an immediate fix

I want you to distinguish a genuine want from a false desire.

An immediate dopamine hit, an attempt to prove your worth, and a deep, consistent desire aren't the same thing. Ask why you want what you want.

From a place of already being worthy, what do you desire? From a place of abundance, what do you want to create or experience?

Sometimes the answer is what you already have. Look at your life and ask whether you would choose it again.

Other times, you want something different. You may have been calling the current version good enough while quietly putting the deeper desire away.

I believe our true desires are a map to our destiny. They call us forward. That nudge to create and evolve can exist alongside appreciation for what we've already accomplished.

You can celebrate your life and still want more, bigger, or different.

Begin with self-awareness

Give yourself private time to answer the question without immediately arguing with the answer.

Remove doubt and the debate about what's possible for a moment. Let yourself be surprised by what comes up.

What do you want in a relationship, job, business, friendship, home, or yourself? What is the dream beneath the expectations and social constructs?

Be specific. Peace or love may describe something important, but keep going. What quality are you seeking? What would it look like in your life? How would you know you had it?

A vague answer can leave the desire at a distance. A specific answer helps you know yourself and see your relationship with wanting.

You may discover fear and doubt as soon as you get clear. Don't use those feelings to shut down the self-awareness.

Tell yourself the truth

There is a difference between wanting something and wanting to want it.

You may wish you wanted the job, marriage, children, or commitment in front of you. But wishing your desire were different doesn't make it different.

Let yourself acknowledge the truth even if you don't like what you hear.

You can say you want something and aren't going to act on it. You can say you don't want something and are choosing to continue it. Those are honest statements of desire and choice.

They are different from telling yourself you don't want something that you actually do.

This is a crucial part of the exercise: knowing what you want does not require you to act on it.

You retain the power to decide. Give yourself that reassurance before you ask the question, so you don't have to hide the answer to feel safe.

If you believe you can't have what you want, knowing it may bring up a story of deprivation. Notice the story rather than treating it as a reason to deny the desire.

Let the fear come up

Knowing what you want is scary. I think that fear is part of the process.

You may fear failing to get it. You may fear having it. You may fear what people will think, what you will need to change, or who you will become.

Let the fear be there. Breathe into it. You don't have to shrink the desire to make the feeling go away.

Your brain is programmed for survival. A desire that asks you to evolve can bring up a primitive response that wants you to stay where you are.

Thoughts create feelings, which drive actions and results. Being aware of the fear gives you a chance to understand the thinking behind it instead of letting it quietly decide your life.

What are you afraid to know? What want have you tucked away because acknowledging it feels frightening?

You can tell yourself the truth and feel afraid at the same time.

Make a conscious choice

Once you know the desire and allow the fear, decide whether to pursue it, delay it, or deny it.

The power comes from making a conscious decision.

You may decide you're too afraid to pursue it right now. Say that honestly. It doesn't mean the decision is forever.

Owning the choice is different from pretending there is no choice, or pretending you never wanted it.

If you decide to pursue the desire, expect challenges. You may fail in the beginning. That is part of why the desire feels scary.

Will you continue making the choice because the desire matters to you?

Be willing to change

Honoring a desire may require becoming a different version of yourself.

You may disappoint someone. You may change your mind about a decision you previously made. People around you may not like or support the change.

Ask whether you believe your desire matters and whether you are willing to consider that it is possible.

Don't automatically compromise the truest part of what you want in order to keep everyone pleased with you.

There is pain in denial and deceit. There is fear in pursuing the life you want. Which experience are you choosing?

Following a true desire doesn't make you more valuable, more worthy, or even happier. I believe it helps you feel connected to your purpose and to why you are here.

I have created many of my extraordinary wants, and I have more that still bring up fear. That awareness keeps me growing.

Ask yourself again: in a perfect world, what would you want?

Let the answer come. Tell yourself the truth. Then make your choice.