Envy

Someone tells you about their success, and you feel worse about yourself.

They made more money. They found a relationship. They have an opportunity you want. You hear the news and your brain immediately turns it into evidence of what you don’t have.

Then comes the temptation to make them smaller.

In Episode 336, I talked about recognizing envy before acting on it. The emotion can show you something you want. What you do with that information matters.

Envy is different from wanting what someone has

I use a specific distinction when teaching this. Seeing someone have something and wanting to create it for yourself is desire or inspiration.

Envy is seeing what they have and wanting them not to have it.

One response creates motivation to build something. The other looks for a way to diminish someone so the gap between you feels smaller.

You might recognize envy when you delight in a person’s failure or misfortune. Something is taken away from them, and part of you feels relieved because they no longer have more.

That can seem like justice to your brain. But bringing someone down doesn’t create the thing you want for yourself.

If you notice this pattern, you don’t need to decide something is wrong with you. You have a human brain. The important work is becoming aware of the feeling and choosing what to do with it.

Watch the action your emotion invites

Imagine someone has made more money in their business than you have. You think about their result and feel inadequate.

Your brain looks for a solution to that discomfort. It may offer criticizing them, questioning their success, or doing something that would make them less fortunate.

You may act on it directly or passive-aggressively without recognizing what is driving you.

I’ve had people apologize to me after trying to hurt me because they were envious. That is why I want us to examine the emotion before we act.

Our thoughts create feelings, which drive actions and results. When you use someone’s success to create inadequacy and envy, the actions you take can pull you farther from your own success.

The energy you spend finding fault is energy you could use to create value.

The same pattern shows up after a breakup

I have coached people whose former partner begins dating someone else. Instead of seeing that as evidence that moving on is possible, they become focused on breaking up the new relationship.

They monitor it, try to contact the new person, and put energy into causing harm.

Consider where that energy could go instead. It could go toward creating love, desire, and possibility in their own lives.

You don’t have to use another person’s happiness as proof that yours is unavailable. Their life isn’t something you have to take away before you can build your own.

Notice where you are directing your attention. Are you pursuing what you want, or trying to stop someone else from having it?

Remember that their life is 50/50, too

When you feel envy, begin by remembering that the person you’re looking at has a human life.

The house, money, relationship, appearance, or opportunity doesn’t eliminate their negative emotion. They struggle and win. They experience the 50/50 balance, just as you do.

You may be comparing your whole life to one part of theirs. Remembering the rest can help you take a breath.

This isn’t finding a flaw to pull them down. It is recognizing that they are human rather than deciding their circumstances have delivered a perfect life you are missing.

For me and many clients, that reminder immediately changes how we feel.

Turn envy into inspiration

Next, ask whether you would be happy for them if you believed you could have what you wanted, too.

If you were thinking from abundance, would their success feel exciting? Could it make your own success seem more possible?

Then the work is to practice believing in that possibility for yourself.

You can use their result as evidence of what can be created. Instead of bringing them down so everyone has less, you can pursue your opportunity so there is more.

I saw this at The Life Coach School when one person making a million dollars helped others consider it possible for themselves. Inspiration can compound.

You miss that energy when you use the same success against yourself and spend your time diminishing the person who created it.

You don’t need their exact talent or life

You might look at Beyoncé or Jennifer Lopez and decide you could never sing or perform like they do. That doesn’t mean there is nothing in their journey that can inspire you.

You can relate to taking risks, overcoming obstacles, advocating for yourself, failing, or getting back up. You can look at how they pursued their opportunity and ask what yours is.

What can you do? What do you want? What obstacles are in your way, and how will you work through them?

The inspiration doesn’t need to produce the exact same outcome. It can help you pursue your own potential.

When you find yourself envious, identify what the person has that you want. That desire is useful information. Practice believing you can create something you want, rather than wishing they had less.

Put your energy into your own accomplishment

Complaining about someone, attacking them, or finding fault may temporarily relieve discomfort. It doesn’t build a life or create value.

Decide what you want your legacy to be. Decide what potential you want to pursue. Reallocate the energy you have been using against someone else toward that work.

Envy can become a signal pointing you toward something you haven’t yet created. Be thankful you can see the desire, and then go to work on it.

Someone else’s success can make yours more possible in your mind, rather than less possible. Use it that way.

Spend less time feeling bad about what someone else has done and more time creating something you will feel proud of yourself for doing.