Embrace Your Negative Parts

What are the parts of yourself you do not want anyone to see?

The anger. The laziness. The jealousy. The mistakes you wish you had not made.

We are taught to be good, behave well, and become better. Many of us also learn to believe that being better will make us more worthy.

I want to be very clear: your worthiness is indisputable.

You cannot increase it by being good. You cannot decrease it by doing something bad.

Understanding that gives you a different way to approach the parts of yourself you would rather hide.

You are a human being, not an exception to humanity

I talk about the world being 50:50. I also want you to consider that you are part of that world.

You have positive and negative thoughts, feelings, characteristics, and behaviors.

You have made mistakes. You may have regrets. You may have done things that caused problems for other people.

That does not mean something has gone wrong with your existence. It means you are human.

You can spend the rest of your life attacking yourself for it. Or you can make peace with the fact that being a human includes this experience.

Take a breath and consider the things in your past you wish you had not done. Can you acknowledge them as part of your human experience without turning them into proof that you are less worthy?

Acceptance does not remove responsibility

I am not saying you should stop caring about what you do.

This does not let you off the hook from apologizing. It does not mean you should stop making an effort to avoid repeating something you regret.

I am saying that shame and self-attack are not required for that effort.

You can recognize what you did, take responsibility, and decide how you want to act without condemning yourself.

Trying to become the best human you can be can be a beautiful thing when it is for your benefit.

But if the process includes constant self-loathing and hiding, notice what it is costing you.

Let the parts you hide become visible to you

I am not only talking about things you did in the past.

I am also talking about characteristics you have now: being cranky, irrational, scared, worried, entitled, secretive, gossipy, or complain-y.

What word belongs on your list?

What do you dislike about yourself so much that you try to deny it is there?

Instead of fighting it or pretending it does not exist, consider acknowledging it as part of being you.

There are times when I am cranky. There are times when I am frustrated. There are times when I make big mistakes.

I do not have to disappear into shame because of those moments. I can be here for the whole experience.

Contrast helps us understand ourselves

We know kindness because we know meanness. We know happiness because we also know unhappiness.

If everything were good, we would not have the contrast that helps us understand what good means.

That contrast exists within us, not only outside us.

If I pretend I have no negative parts, I am denying part of the experience of being me.

I want to know the nooks and crannies of my own mind. I want to explore myself by trying things, showing up, failing, and learning.

That includes seeing parts I do not initially like.

Self-acceptance can change how you see other people

Years ago, I studied Debbie Ford's work on the shadow. Her book, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, helped me find more acceptance for who I am.

Exploring the parts of ourselves that we consider dark can give us a deeper sense of love and acceptance.

It can also help us understand other people.

When I recognize the balance within myself, I can see that the same humanness exists in them.

That does not mean putting up with terrible behavior or allowing people to treat me terribly.

It means I can understand the human experience without being horrified by every small transgression.

I can love someone without pretending they have no negative parts, just as I can love myself without pretending I have none.

Notice the cost of pretending to be good

People pleasing is one way we hide.

We pretend to be nicer than we are. We do things we do not want to do so someone will think we are kind.

We try to manipulate their opinion instead of telling the truth.

That can put us out of integrity with ourselves. We are presenting a version of ourselves rather than being who we are.

I want to offer the possibility of being honest about our frustration, anger, or crankiness while still loving ourselves.

We do not have to choose between pretending to be perfect and abandoning all effort.

We can decide on purpose what we want to aim for and keep showing up without beating ourselves up.

Try the six-part exercise

Write down three things about yourself that you are ashamed of, dislike, or regret.

Then write down three things you dislike in other people.

Maybe you dislike laziness, lying, or people not thinking. Use the things that genuinely bother you.

Look at all six items and consider how you could embrace them as part of the human experience.

For each one, ask how it has served you in some way. It may help you appreciate its opposite through contrast.

It may also have helped you rest, take care of yourself, get something done, or become motivated.

You may want to dismiss the exercise and insist there is nothing useful there. You can. But I encourage you to stay curious long enough to look.

Explore the judgment before defending yourself

In my own journal, I wrote down the three things I most disliked about myself and how each had served me.

I could see that much of my dislike came from being taught those characteristics were bad because they offended or frustrated other people.

I could also see ways they had benefited me and helped me get things I wanted for myself, my friends, and my family.

Byron Katie's work was also profound for me. Practicing her questions and turning judgments back toward myself helped me recognize qualities in myself that I criticized in others.

When someone says something about me, I can often find a place where it is true rather than immediately insist it is not.

When I am frustrated with someone else, I can ask where that characteristic exists in me, too.

That inquiry can be freeing. Acknowledging a part gives me a different relationship with it than denying it.

Keep growing without hiding

Sometimes our best is not good enough. Sometimes we do not do our best at all.

We can use that to put ourselves down. We can also use acceptance as a reason to indulge every urge and stop making decisions.

Neither is what I am recommending.

Keep deciding. Keep growing. Keep showing up.

Embrace the negative in the world and the negative within yourself as part of the life you are here to experience.

You do not have to hide until you become a perfect person. You can take responsibility and love yourself as a human now.