Desires

Your desires can be a map to your best life. But you need to know which desires you are following.

The first answer to “What do I want?” may come from family expectations, social programming, or a compulsion that changes how you feel for a moment and makes your life worse afterward.

That is different from the desire to grow into a fuller expression of yourself.

In Episode 341, I brought together several ways I teach desire: false desire, true desire, dormant desire, allowing desire, and manufacturing it. Understanding the differences helps you decide where to direct your energy.

Desire is a feeling that fuels action

In the Model, desire goes in the feeling line. It is the longing or awakening you experience toward something.

Thoughts create feelings, and feelings drive actions and results. Desire can be powerful fuel. The question is what result that fuel is taking you toward.

Wanting something because you believe it will make you whole, worthy, or finally enough creates suffering. Wanting growth from a place of already being worthy is a different experience.

You can want more without believing there is something wrong with you now.

Play a false desire all the way through

I use false desire to describe wanting something to alter your emotional state in a way that doesn’t serve the life you want.

My examples included overeating and alcohol. Other people may recognize the pattern in social media, games, or another compulsive activity.

Don’t decide only by how much you want it in the moment. Play it into the future.

If you satisfy this desire, will you be more of who you want to be afterward? Will the action create the result you want?

When the answer is no, the desire may be coming from the brain’s survival programming rather than your long-term vision.

There is nothing wrong with you for experiencing it. You can learn to allow it without acting on it.

That is different from punishing yourself, suppressing the urge, or pretending it isn’t there. Being present with desire and making a conscious choice builds discipline and connection with yourself.

What buffering keeps you from hearing

I remember intensely wanting a glass of chardonnay and finding it difficult to imagine not wanting it. I also remember wanting to stop wanting it.

I could see that the false desire was taking energy from something truer.

When a life isn’t what we genuinely desire, it can feel frustrating or stagnant. Buffering makes that life easier to tolerate. We substitute a false desire for the desire to create something different.

When we stop satisfying the false desire, there may first be an uncomfortable emptiness. We are no longer using the activity to feel better, but the new direction hasn’t become clear yet.

Allow space for that. It can make room for desires that have been dormant.

After I stopped drinking, my desire to build my business expanded. Energy I had used pursuing wine became energy I could direct toward creating.

Listen for the desires that have been waiting

Dormant desires may not feel convenient. They often require you to grow, take risks, and become uncomfortable.

For me, one was wanting more in-person friends. I had wonderful virtual friendships, but I wanted people I could spend time with, touch, and laugh with in the same room.

As an introvert, meeting people and pursuing friendship didn’t come naturally. I began asking women for their numbers and whether they wanted to build a friendship.

It was vulnerable. Someone could have said no or thought it was strange. Honoring the desire gave me a way to expand my life.

What do you want when nobody else is watching or giving an opinion? What have you stopped hearing because you are occupied with short-term pleasure or what others expect?

Your life will include discomfort whether you grow or stay stagnant. You can choose discomfort that moves you toward what you genuinely want.

True desire doesn’t require rushing to the finish

My desire for my business included fun, balance, space, and creating something life-giving for me and the people involved.

It wasn’t money at the expense of everything else. Money was part of the expression of what was possible through managing our minds.

When desire comes from feeling inadequate and expecting a result to fix that, it has a different quality. You need to get there quickly so you can finally be okay.

True desire can feel like a peaceful unfolding. You enjoy the fuel and the process so much that reaching the end faster isn’t the only thing that matters.

You can want to create a bigger life because it is fun to grow, not because you need it to increase your worth.

Allow desire—and manufacture it when needed

Sometimes desire is already there. Allowing it can feel like opening a door to energy that flows through you. You want to think about the idea, solve the problems, and keep creating.

When that happens, let yourself use it. Don’t turn the experience into a reason to judge yourself on days when it isn’t available.

You can also manufacture desire through your thinking. If you are writing a book and don’t want to write today, you can work on creating the feeling that helps you take action.

Think from the future you want. What would you believe if you had already accomplished the result? What thoughts would fuel you now?

These are two tools: allowing desire that is present and generating it when it isn’t flowing naturally.

You can go to work for your desires because they matter. You don’t have to wait for every action to feel effortless.

Practice wanting what you already have

Wanting what you have is another way to practice desire. It differs from gratitude. Gratitude appreciates what is. Wanting can build an energy of loving this, wanting this, and wanting more.

I know having more won’t make me more worthy or permanently happier. I still want to grow and create.

You don’t need to defend your genuine desire with a more impressive explanation. Wanting to build the business or create the friendship can be your reason.

When a false desire pulls at you, notice the moment. Make a conscious choice without beating yourself up. Redirect your energy toward what is true for you.

Listen to the desires inside you. They can help you see where you want to go—and give you the fuel to create it.