Unproductive Thought Work

Thought work can change the trajectory of your life. It can help you create more success, accomplishment, and well-being. But like any tool, you can also use it against yourself.

When someone tells me they've been doing Models but aren't making progress, I want to look at how they're using the tool. Are they becoming aware of their thoughts and emotions? Or are they trying to force themselves into being happy?

The Model doesn't make you happy. It reveals your brain and your life to you. Understanding that changes the work.

1. Trying to be positive all the time

Learning that thoughts create feelings does not mean you should never feel bad. It doesn't mean negative emotion is a failure or something you need to blame yourself for.

We often teach the Model by putting an unintentional and an intentional Model beside each other. The circumstance is the same, but different thoughts create different feelings, actions, and results.

That comparison shows you how thinking works. It is not an instruction to choose positive emotion about everything.

You may write down an unintentional Model, understand it, and decide you want to keep the thought. There are things you want to feel upset about.

Other times, awareness reveals an old belief you no longer want to think. Simply seeing it clearly can change it. You don't have to turn the discovery into a judgment about yourself.

2. Using the Model with an agenda to be happy

If you believe doing thought work correctly means being happy all the time, you can end up forcing new thoughts. When they don't make you happy, you do more Models about why you aren't happy.

Soon you are thinking you aren't doing it right, something is wrong with you, or you can't get it. You miss the opportunity to understand what it's like to be you.

Drop that agenda. Look at why you are happy or unhappy and how your thinking shows up. Be the witness to what is happening.

Sometimes, once an unconscious Model becomes conscious, it stops resonating. You see that it doesn't serve you, and it lets go of you without a forced replacement thought.

3. Changing the thought before feeling the emotion

Another mistake is finding a painful thought and immediately trying to replace it so you won't have to experience the feeling.

Maybe you think the work is too hard, you don't have time, or you aren't good at it. You feel unmotivated and procrastinate. When you discover that Model, don't rush past the original emotion.

Give yourself time to breathe into it, feel the vibration in your body, and allow the discomfort. Stay present instead of resisting or buffering it.

Pushing the feeling into the background doesn't mean it stops affecting you. You may notice the same thought and feeling returning because you haven't processed the emotion.

Being willing to feel an emotion helps it lose the power to control you. After you have allowed it to process, you can consider a different thought and approach.

4. Feeling bad about feeling bad

We are surrounded by the idea that we should be happy, grateful, and appreciative all the time. Then, when we have negative emotion, we decide something is wrong with us.

You might look at everything going well in your life and ask what you have to feel bad about. Then you become angry at yourself for feeling bad.

That adds another layer of negative emotion. Trying to push it away with gratitude or forced happiness doesn't solve it.

I'm not suggesting you indulge in feeling sorry for yourself. I'm suggesting you hold clean space for the human experience. Of course you will feel lonely, anxious, frustrated, or angry sometimes.

You can love and accept yourself through it. You don't have to feel bad about being human.

5. Getting trapped in why you think this way

People can spend so much time trying to discover where a recurring negative thought came from. The question can turn into searching for what is wrong with them.

Instead, I like asking why you are choosing to think this thought right now. That can reveal that continuing to believe it is optional.

You can notice the thought, see how it feels, process the emotion, and choose whether to keep it. You don't have to understand its entire origin to do that.

The specific thoughts you have in everyday life can help you make progress. Digging for an underlying thought often leads back to the same beliefs about being unworthy or unlovable.

Discovering the origins of beliefs in therapy can be helpful. You can tell when it helps because you feel yourself understanding and moving forward. What I'm describing is the constant search for why that keeps leading to something being wrong with you and no progress.

6. Pretending the work is making you happy

If you think you should be happy because you are doing thought work, you may start pretending. But pretending prevents awareness of what you actually feel.

Sometimes the truth is that you're grieving or frustrated. This is a time to process that pain. Pretending to be happy keeps you from moving through it.

Come into presence with yourself. Breathe and notice the vibration in your body. What is really going on? Find the thought and the feeling that need your attention.

When I wake up with anxiety, I breathe into it and allow it. I don't pretend it isn't there or feel bad about having it. I also don't let it run my life.

Make room for what is true

The most productive coaching work I do is holding space for myself and being vulnerable enough to understand what is true today.

Don't demand happiness, pretend, or punish yourself for negative emotion. Process what is there. You are worthy no matter what happens, what you feel, or what you think.