Tolerance

I want to be more tolerant. I also never want to give up striving for excellence.

For a while, I lived with the question of whether those two things could go together. Could I be more easygoing without settling? Could I care about winning without being so upset when I lost?

I like questions I do not yet know the answer to. They make me think about who I am and who I want to be.

Tolerance became one of those questions. The answer was not to become a person who thinks everything is fine. It was to decide what matters to me and how I want to respond.

A high level of tolerance has a tradeoff

People with a high level of tolerance often seem more relaxed. They are not easily bothered, and it can be easier for them to be kind, get along with people, and avoid reacting.

But being tolerant can also mean allowing behavior that is unacceptable or harmful. It can mean staying in an environment that is not good for you.

Being easygoing is not automatically serving you.

The opposite has a tradeoff, too. A low level of tolerance can mean demanding excellence. It can also mean losing your mind whenever a little thing does not go the way you want.

I do not think there is one right answer that brings everyone greater happiness. We have to look at what our tolerance is creating in our own lives.

Comfort and excellence are not always the same experience

I have explored this with employees.

If someone makes a mistake and I keep treating it as no big deal, it may keep happening. If I kindly but firmly make clear that the mistake is not acceptable in that work, it may never happen again.

Those approaches create different environments.

Someone working with a high level of tolerance may feel more relaxed and comfortable. Someone working with stricter expectations may feel more on edge, while also achieving at a higher level.

Many of my employees have told me they are working at a level they had never been asked to reach before. That achievement brings its own kind of enjoyment.

I have experienced this myself around demanding teachers and people with high expectations.

The question is not simply which approach feels easiest in the moment. It is what kind of experience and result we want to create.

Notice what you already tolerate

In my home, everything works.

I have a low tolerance for clutter and for things that do not function the way they are supposed to. That matters to me.

I have visited friends whose homes have things that are broken or only partly work. They are not bothered by it.

Neither of us is having the same experience of that situation.

Games are another example for me. If I play, I want to win. I am fascinated by people who seem equally happy whether they win or lose.

When I watched Sacramento play the Warriors in Game 7, I felt genuinely nervous. Losing felt awful. Watching my son lose at golf could leave both of us devastated.

I like that I strive for better. I like wanting to win. I also do not like being more intense than I think is necessary.

Both are true.

You can care without pretending

I do not want to pretend I do not care.

If I lose at Monopoly, I care—even if the person who beat me is six years old.

What I want to explore is caring without overreacting. Can I keep trying to win and still enjoy the process and my own behavior?

I know I tend toward intensity. I tend to have very high expectations and react strongly when they are not met.

Knowing that helps me manage myself.

For me, dialing down that intensity probably will not cost me excellence. It may help me stop being so upset about every loss.

I still want a broken item in my home to bother me. I still want losing to matter. I just do not want to be constantly trying to outrun those things at my own expense.

You may need less tolerance

Your tendency may be the opposite of mine.

You may be so easygoing that you tolerate things at your own expense: people mistreating you, speaking to you in an unacceptable tone, or repeatedly disregarding what matters to you.

In that case, becoming more tolerant may not be what you want.

You may want to be firmer about your boundaries and less accepting of certain behavior from employees, children, family, or friends.

You know whether you tend to be too intense or too easygoing. Look at where that tendency is costing you.

There is room to be tolerant of a person without accepting every behavior or situation.

Ask whether this really matters

The first question I use is: Does this really matter to me?

Then I ask why—or why not.

Suppose someone repeatedly arrives late, speaks to you in a mean tone, or calls at all hours and demands you answer.

Do you care that this is happening?

If you do, you may decide to be more verbal, more firm, and less accepting in that area.

If you do not want something to matter to you, that is useful to know, too.

I want to care when I do not perform at the level I expect. I want to care when people working for me do not do what they say they will do or do not think through their work.

But people making fun of me or leaving rude comments online? I do not want that to bother me. Being bothered by it feels disempowering. I want to feel powerful in my own right.

I can choose differently in those different areas.

Decide what action reflects your choice

After asking what matters and why, ask: What action do I want to take to demonstrate more tolerance or less tolerance here?

That action begins with your thoughts.

Instead of only being mad about a defeat, I can use it as an opportunity to learn. Instead of being mad about the way I am allowing someone to treat me, I can use it to develop a lower tolerance for that treatment.

Both are opportunities to grow.

As I reflected on turning fifty, I kept asking who I was and who I wanted to be. It felt empowering to remember I could make that decision.

Some people noticed I was becoming more relaxed and wondered whether I was losing my edge.

Maybe a little. I was willing to give up a little of that intensity to be more chill more of the time.

I was not giving up my fire, ambition, or desire for excellence.

Look around your own life. Where are you putting up with too much? Where are you more bothered than you want to be?

Ask what matters, why it matters, and what you want to do.

You can decide who you want to be in each of those places.