The Parts of You That You Don't Like

What is the part of you that you try to hide?

The impatient part. The grumpy part. The part that procrastinates, doubts itself, gets scared, or runs away. The part you hope nobody notices because you are already judging it so harshly.

You don't have to talk yourself into liking it. But what if you could acknowledge it, own it, and love yourself anyway?

We come into this life with complete worthiness. Being human includes the extraordinary moments when we are giving, kind, and lovely. It also includes the other half, when we aren't showing up the way we wish we would.

That second half doesn't take away our worth. But we can create a lot of unnecessary suffering by deciding it means something is wrong with us.

Start with what you see in the mirror

Your physical body is a useful place to begin. Tell yourself the truth about what you don't like.

Do you wish you were taller, shorter, younger, or prettier? Do you wish you had different hair or skin?

Many of us avoid looking at those parts of ourselves. The thoughts keep running in the background, but we never really explore them. We resist and push them away instead of acknowledging that they are there.

I am not asking you to love every feature. Start by noticing what is real and what you are thinking about it.

When I look in the mirror, I sometimes tell myself this is what we've got today. This is what we're dealing with.

My body changes as I get older and as I work out. Hair, makeup, and outfits bring up different thoughts. Some things I don't like.

I don't have to pretend otherwise. I can acknowledge that I wish something were different and still embrace what I have today.

Be loving without liking everything

One thought that helps me is that I was given all of this for a reason. This is what I have, and it is perfect for me, including the ways it doesn't match a standard of beauty.

That is an opportunity to be with myself.

It doesn't mean I stop taking care of my health or changing things I want to change. It means I can work on something from love instead of using it as a reason to hate myself.

You can be loving to yourself while not liking something about yourself. Those two things can exist together.

The same is true beyond your body. Maybe you yell at your kids, procrastinate, or aren't as relaxed and present as you wish. Maybe you aren't as ambitious as someone else.

Can you acknowledge that without turning it into a weapon against yourself?

You cannot be every person's best quality

My friend Lauren calls resting and enjoying her life luxuriating. She wouldn't use the word lazy to describe herself.

I love learning from her. She treats herself with care and respect in a way that inspires me.

You can appreciate someone else's qualities without deciding you should have all of them. Look at the positive characteristics we admire: ambition, relaxation, drive, calm, generosity. Some are contradictory. One person cannot embody every one of them in every moment.

When you idealize people, put them on pedestals, and compare yourself to them, you create unnecessary suffering.

You don't need to become all things to all people. Change what you want to change. Don't change what you don't want to change.

This isn't a declaration that everyone else should just deal with you. It is a gentle, kind relationship with yourself, with an understanding of who you are.

Hear feedback without crushing yourself

I once gave an employee feedback that was difficult for me to give because I had received the same feedback myself.

Sometimes we work hard to become more confident or successful and then get criticized for the very quality we worked to develop. That can feel defeating.

But the thing that makes me successful can also be challenging when I am with other people.

I am direct. Sometimes that doesn't work out well. Sometimes I apologize or wish I hadn't said something in a particular way.

I don't always like that about myself. And I love myself anyway.

That same directness helps make me an exceptional coach. I am not afraid to tell the truth, communicate honestly, and hold space for someone.

Accepting all of that allows me to hear feedback and make choices without deciding I am fundamentally wrong.

Byron Katie taught me that I can listen to someone's observation, stop resisting it, and find the truth in it. I can apply that same willingness when the observation comes from me.

Add acceptance to the sentence

Try adding that it is okay to something you don't like about yourself.

When I acknowledge that I am impatient and that it is okay, I notice myself becoming more patient. There is less tension and less fuel around it.

Then I can make the distinction even clearer: I am experiencing impatience right now. It is happening because of what I am thinking. It isn't my worth or my entire identity.

We can separate who we are as worthy, fallible human beings from the experiences we are having.

Think about the people you love most. You know some of their qualities aren't their best features, and you love them anyway. You can hold space for them to be human.

Can you offer yourself the same thing?

Bring the hidden parts into the light

Sit down and write what you don't like about yourself. Try to be playful, compassionate, and loving as you do it.

Separate those opinions from your value as a human. This isn't an exercise in immediately changing everything or creating an alternative reality. It is an opportunity to notice.

You might worry that accepting procrastination, impatience, or always being late will prevent change. The opposite is true. You have to own something before you can change it.

Pretending it isn't there, hating it, and resisting it don't give you authority over it. Acknowledging it does.

What if there isn't something to solve in every part of you that you dislike? What if some of it is simply part of your human experience?

Don't try to talk yourself out of what you see. Find a way to accept it, own it, and be with it. Bring those parts of yourself along. They are part of the journey, too.