The Art of Feeling Bad

Knowing that thoughts create feelings doesn't mean you should feel good all the time.

It doesn't mean you need to become a perfectly positive person who never experiences anger, grief, loneliness, or pain.

I want the full experience of being alive. That includes both positive and negative emotion.

Learning that life is fifty-fifty helped me stop treating the difficult half as evidence that something had gone wrong. But accepting that idea is only the beginning.

We also need to learn the skill of feeling bad.

Stop rejecting half your life

When a negative feeling arrives, notice the urge to get away from it.

You may pick up your phone, eat, drink, or turn to entertainment. Whatever the activity is, you leave your present emotional experience for something that distracts you from it.

The emotion doesn't disappear. When the escape ends, it can still be there, now with the consequences of the buffering on top of it.

Another response is acting the feeling out. You yell because you are angry, then think that yelling was how you processed the anger.

Feeling an emotion and reacting to it are different things.

Processing means allowing a vibration in your body. You can experience it without repressing it, escaping it, indulging it, or using it as an instruction to act.

Name what is happening

When you notice an urge to escape, pause. Let the urge be there. Let the discomfort be there.

Become the observer of the emotion.

Start with the words this is, then name it. This is shame. This is frustration. This is grief. This is longing.

Naming the feeling helps you notice yourself having it instead of feeling completely at its mercy.

You are the person experiencing the emotion. You are not the emotion itself.

Describe the vibration in your body

Where do you feel it?

Is it in your chest, stomach, limbs, throat, eyes, or somewhere else? What does the sensation feel like?

Describe it to yourself as you observe it.

Moving into your intellectual mind to describe the feeling can provide some relief. It gives you a way to witness what is happening.

This is different from retelling the story that created it. You aren't building the case for why you should feel terrible. You are noticing the physical experience of the emotion.

Find the thought causing it

Once you have named and described the feeling, ask what thought is creating it.

You may find a thought you want to keep.

If a pet or loved one has died, you may think you will miss them, already miss them, or wish they hadn't died. You may want those thoughts and the grief they create.

In that case, keep opening to the emotion. The fact that a thought creates it doesn't make it a mistake.

At other times, you may find a thought you don't believe is true or useful: that you aren't good enough, that nothing will work, or that nobody likes you.

Don't rush to replace it. First, notice that it isn't a thought you want to keep practicing.

Recognize a thought error without fighting it

When I find a thought like that, I identify it as a thought error.

It is a sentence in my mind creating a vibration in my body. Seeing that can loosen its grip.

I don't have to get angry with myself for having it. I don't have to decide I am hopeless because the thought appeared.

Both resistance and indulgence can prolong the experience.

Instead, I allow space for the thought, the feeling, and my observation of them.

I get curious. Why am I thinking this? What is happening for me? I can be thoughtful and kind as I notice it.

Sometimes the release becomes almost effortless. I can let the thought go without fighting it or creating a new Model.

Let the feeling exist without acting it out

In the Self-Coaching Model, thoughts create feelings, feelings drive actions, and actions create results.

If I react to an emotion caused by a thought error, I can create results I don't want. Those results may give me more negative emotion to deal with.

Observing and processing creates space before that reaction.

This is a skill many of us were never taught. We may not have watched our parents calmly experience feelings, and we have so many opportunities to escape.

That doesn't mean we can't learn.

You can be angry without screaming. You can feel discomfort without reaching for something to make it stop. You can allow your body to have the experience while you watch.

Tell yourself the truth about pleasure

I am not saying you should never enjoy food, television, social media, or a cocktail.

The question is how you are using them.

Are you making a conscious choice you can take or leave? Or are you acting on a compulsion because you don't want to feel?

When you drink to avoid an emotion, the urge to escape keeps returning. That is different from choosing to enjoy a drink with friends without using it to get away from yourself.

It isn't for me to decide what you should do. I want you to notice what you want and whether you are doing something against your own will.

Be honest about the difference between pleasure you choose and buffering you feel compelled to do.

Make room for a bigger life

As you develop this skill, you may notice more negative emotion because you aren't constantly hiding it.

But you also stop adding the pain of feeling bad about feeling bad.

You don't need to judge yourself for having the difficult half of a human life.

Big dreams, relationships, challenges, and new experiences bring both kinds of emotion. If you can process the uncomfortable ones, you become more willing to participate.

What if your life could include frustration, anger, pain, and loneliness alongside the wonderful experiences you want?

Practice naming, observing, and allowing. Learn the art of feeling bad, and give yourself the capacity to live more fully.