Sturdy Self Love

Self-love is more than romancing yourself.

I love the little gestures. Give yourself a wink in the mirror. Let yourself know you see you. But I want to talk about a fiercer, sturdier kind of love: the ongoing commitment to be your person.

In a relationship, there may be romance and a lot of effort to delight each other. There can also be something deeper underneath it: consistent, supportive love you can count on.

That is the relationship I want you to develop with yourself.

Look at all three relationships

I divide your relationship with yourself into three parts: your past self, your present self, and your future self.

Those categories help you evaluate how you are thinking and acting. But remember that your thoughts about the past and future happen now. The feelings they create are happening in this moment.

You cannot spend your time hating your past self and expect to feel loving toward yourself in the present. You are experiencing that hatred now.

Start by noticing how you relate to each version of you.

Have your past self's back

Your past includes childhood and adolescence, but it also includes yesterday and five minutes ago.

How are you thinking about something you did twenty minutes ago? Are you being loving, or are you criticizing and dismissing yourself?

Some people avoid their past entirely. They feel regret, guilt, or blame and want nothing to do with that version of themselves.

Imagine treating another person that way: blocking them, refusing to listen, and avoiding the relationship. There would be little opportunity to cultivate it.

Your relationship with your past self is an opportunity for that work.

I have developed a serious commitment to having my own back. There have been people I thought would be there for me who were not. I have always had me, and I want to be someone I can count on.

That includes protecting myself from my own criticism. When my brain starts finding fault and frightening me, I can make an argument for compassion, support, peace, and love.

Do not criticize yourself for criticizing

When you notice yourself being mean, adding another layer of criticism does not help.

You do not need to beat yourself up for beating yourself up. Stop the fight.

If someone else is upset with you about the past, you can love yourself through that experience. Loving yourself makes it possible to put love back into the world.

When you think about healing the past, you may imagine confronting someone who was unkind. The first step I want you to consider is your own relationship with yourself.

Where are you withholding kindness, forgiveness, or a sense of worthiness? That is work you can do with you.

Choose believable thoughts in the present

On a coaching call, clients often share their negative thoughts about themselves. That is exactly what coaching is for.

But they may not realize those thoughts are optional. Becoming conscious of them creates an opportunity to choose.

I am not talking about repeating affirmations you do not believe, or pretending to feel positive. I mean finding something true you can genuinely think.

“I have done good things in my life” is different from “I have only done good things.” Your brain may argue, but you can recognize that some of your actions have been good.

You might believe that you have been kind, that you can be kind, or that there are things you are good at. These are grounding thoughts, not fantasy.

One thought I use is “I love myself no matter what.” It is a declaration I make to myself. When I think it, I feel strong, capable, compassionate, and loving.

Make this relationship work

You cannot make another person love you. You cannot make a relationship work if the other person does not want it.

You can choose love in your relationship with yourself.

That choice is available regardless of what someone says, what is happening in the world, or what mistakes you have made.

Ask yourself what self-love would do in the situation you are facing.

Also allow and process negative emotion. Loving yourself does not require being afraid of it or pretending it is absent.

Care for your future self through action

Discipline can be an expression of love for your future self.

You deliberately decide what you want, commit to it, and honor your word. When you plan to eat food that cares for your body and follow through, your future self receives the benefit.

Then she can look back with appreciation for what you did.

That strengthens the relationship. You want to care for her again: create money, treat people well, develop relationships, and build a life for her.

I appreciate my past self for how hard she worked and how much time she spent thinking about clients and creating value. I experience the benefits of her work now.

Distinguish love from buffering

Something may feel loving in the moment while creating a problem for your future self.

Overdrinking with friends might feel fun now. But if it undermines your future self, it is not the full expression of self-love I am describing.

Consider all three parts. Does the action honor your past, present, and future? Sturdy self-love has your back across those relationships.

Get three pieces of paper and label them past, present, and future. Ask how you can love each version of yourself more.

You can begin now, even if you have been critical or let yourself down before. Practice loving thoughts, feelings, and actions. The more you practice, the better you become at loving—and the more love you have available to give.