Self-Pity

Notice when feeling bad about feeling bad keeps you from taking the next useful step.

You feel disappointed. Then you tell yourself you shouldn't have to feel disappointed.

Now you have the original feeling and another layer of distress about having it. You start comparing your experience to everyone else's. You explain why your situation is especially unfair. Taking action feels further away.

This is one way self-pity can show up. Learning to recognize it gives you a chance to respond with more awareness and capability.

Recognize the extra layer of suffering

Negative emotion is part of life. Sadness, disappointment, and discomfort don't automatically mean something has gone wrong with you.

Self-pity can add a story that you shouldn't be having this experience, that everyone else has it easier, or that there is nothing you can do.

For example, a project takes longer than you expected. You feel frustrated. Then you think you are the only person who has to work this hard, and you start feeling sorry for yourself.

The delay is one issue. The story about the delay becomes another. You can examine the second without pretending the first isn't real.

Look at what the feeling leads you to do

Rather than judging yourself for having self-pity, notice its effect.

Do you stop working on something you still want? Spend time rehearsing complaints? Seek agreement that you can't move forward? Compare yourself to others and conclude you've already lost?

Those actions can keep the result you want further away. Then the lack of progress appears to support the idea that things never work out for you.

In the Self-Coaching Model, thoughts create feelings, which drive actions and results. A thought that creates self-pity may produce an action that gives you more reasons to feel sorry for yourself.

Seeing that cycle is useful. You can work on the thinking and choose a different action.

Notice when quitting doesn't solve the feeling

Suppose you're learning a skill and someone else seems to improve faster. You start thinking the process is unfair and feel discouraged about your own progress.

You stop practicing to get away from that experience. But you still want the skill. Now you feel bad about both your progress and having stopped.

Quitting hasn't necessarily relieved the self-pity. It may have given the story more material.

Before stopping, ask what you expect stopping to solve. If the answer is a feeling, consider whether you could learn to handle that feeling while continuing toward something you value.

Approach difficulty as work you can engage with

A useful image from this episode is signing up for a demanding class. If you expect it to require effort, a difficult assignment isn't surprising. It's part of what you came to learn.

You can bring that approach to a goal. The challenge can become a place to practice rather than a reason to conclude you are incapable.

Ask what is changeable here. What can you learn? What action is available? What thought would help you take that action?

You don't need to claim the whole situation is good. You can acknowledge that it is difficult and still look for a response within your control.

Choose capability without attacking yourself

Calling yourself weak or dramatic creates another problem to work through. The purpose of noticing self-pity is to help you move, not give you another reason to criticize yourself.

Write down the thought behind the feeling. Then consider what you would like to feel for the next step: willing, capable, motivated, or ready.

Try a thought you can believe, such as recognizing that you can work on one part of the problem. Notice whether it supports a useful action.

A difficult emotion can be present while you make a considered choice. You don't have to wait until you feel wonderful to do something that serves you.

Practice with one current situation

Choose something you've been complaining about or comparing. Separate the facts from your interpretation.

Name the feeling, describe what you have been doing from it, and identify the result. Then ask whether that pattern is helping you.

Choose one next step and the thinking that supports it. Review what happens when you take that step.

You can acknowledge a hard experience and give yourself room to feel it. You can also learn to stop adding a story of helplessness that keeps you from using the choices you have.