Secret Pain

You are at dinner. You are answering questions and perhaps even laughing.

But you are not really in the conversation.

Inside, you are consumed by pain no one else knows about—or pain whose depth you have not let them see.

I call that secret pain.

If you have it, you probably recognize what I mean immediately. You can keep functioning and going through the motions while feeling profoundly alone in what you are experiencing.

I want you to know there is a way to begin acknowledging it without having to tell everyone.

When you do not feel part of the conversation

A dear friend who had received a diagnosis and gone through treatment told me she did not feel as though she belonged to the conversations people were having.

I understood exactly what she meant.

People are discussing everyday things while you are consumed by what hurts. You participate, but your attention is somewhere else.

I experienced that for years while struggling with overeating, my weight, and not knowing how to feel my emotions.

I did not know how to describe the depth of it. I thought others would see the struggle as superficial, though it became some of the deepest work of my life.

I also experienced it after a painful breakup. The relationship had not been a good fit and had no future, but the pain was overwhelming.

I later recognized unfinished work from earlier experiences that I needed to understand.

The secret can add shame to the pain

Secret pain can be ongoing or come and go.

Some clients carry it around a relationship or affair they have not told anyone about. Others experience mental suffering alongside chronic physical pain.

You may have spoken about the situation before and now think people are tired of hearing about it, even though you are still living through it.

Then shame becomes another layer.

There is the pain itself and the shame about having the pain, hiding it, or believing you should not still be experiencing it.

Trying to resist or avoid all of that can leave you disconnected from your life and its joy.

Self-loathing does not disappear because someone says to be positive

One form of secret pain is hating yourself.

You may connect it to appearance, weight, failure, something you did, something you have not achieved, or being alone.

If you mention it casually to a friend, they may tell you to stop, think positively, and recognize how amazing you are.

They may mean well.

But a quick reassurance does not necessarily help you understand the thinking underneath deep self-loathing.

I do not want you to cover it with platitudes. I want you to give it a deliberate space to be heard and understood.

Notice what you have not wanted to acknowledge

You may feel trapped in a job, relationship, or life you think you should be grateful for.

You may feel sad about a loss, missed opportunity, or something you want and do not have.

You may feel humiliated by something from childhood, work, or a friendship.

Or you may believe you are a bad person because of something you have done.

These are experiences I have heard clients carry in secret.

Remember that our thoughts create our emotional experience. Explaining away a circumstance may not address what we are making it mean about ourselves.

And acknowledging behavior you dislike does not require making yourself entirely bad or unworthy.

Option one: prepare a trusted friend

Talking about secret pain out loud can be powerful.

But I recommend making that conversation deliberate rather than bringing it up casually when the other person is unprepared.

Choose someone you trust to love you without judging.

Ask whether they are willing to support you and be a witness to something you want to say out loud.

If they agree, schedule time. Give yourself about an hour, even if you do not use all of it.

Choose an opportunity to speak without interruptions, in person or on a call where you can have the attention you need.

Then clearly explain what you are asking for.

Ask for listening rather than a solution

You can tell your friend you do not want advice or an attempt to fix the situation.

You want them to hear what you are experiencing so it is no longer secret from everyone.

They do not have to make the pain go away.

They can witness it while you hear yourself say it.

I have explained to friends that I want to speak with someone who will not judge me, because the experience has been festering in shame.

Choose carefully. You do not want to leave the conversation feeling you must hide more.

You may still not tell the rest of the world. But one person will know the depth of what you have been carrying.

Option two: work with a coach or therapist

The option I often prefer is hiring a coach or therapist.

Explain that you have been suffering quietly, have not discussed the pain, and want someone to hear you and help you understand your mind around it.

The coaching role I teach is to hold space and help you see your thinking—not judge you, give you advice, or talk you out of your pain.

I also highly recommend therapy for this work.

Sometimes secret pain connects with deep wounds and patterns from earlier in life. Understanding those patterns with a therapist can be helpful.

That does not mean every experience requires going into the past before you can move forward. Understanding current thinking is also valuable.

A coach may recognize that a therapist could help you further and recommend that support.

Let yourself be heard without pretending

In a deliberate session, you do not have to keep your mouth shut about the pain or pretend everything is wonderful.

You can say what is happening and let another person acknowledge it.

That was essential in understanding my own self-loathing.

I needed to speak about it before I could clearly see the thoughts I had about myself.

Secret pain can happen to anyone. You do not have to make its presence into more evidence against yourself.

You can begin by acknowledging it and allowing someone trustworthy to witness it.

You do not have to keep suffering as punishment

Some people fear that if they let the pain surface, it will consume them and they will not be able to function.

They have managed by avoiding it for so long that avoidance seems like the only option.

I want to invite you to consider support instead.

The purpose is not for someone to force you to change your circumstances or tell you what decisions to make.

It is to help you understand and process the pain so you can make decisions with a clearer mind and heart.

You do not deserve suffering as punishment.

You do not need to tell your family, friends, or strangers everything. Choose a person you trust—a prepared friend, coach, or therapist.

Give yourself the experience of being heard.