Proactive Relationships

Who do you want to be in your relationship?

Not who do you want the other person to be. Not what do you want them to change. What kind of partner or friend do you want to be?

Many people haven't asked themselves that question. They wait for the other person to make plans, ask for something, or tell them how to show up. Then they react.

Being proactive means thinking ahead and making conscious decisions about your side of the relationship. It gives you agency. You show up for the other person and for yourself as the person you want to be.

Set expectations for yourself first

What do you expect of yourself as a wife, husband, partner, or friend?

I expect myself to be self-aware and to love as well as I know how. I see each relationship as an opportunity to bring more love into the world and love someone in a way they may not have experienced before.

I also expect myself to communicate, be on time, be respectful, and bring energy. I want to hold my side of a conversation, be thoughtful about plans, and create opportunities for fun.

I expect myself to tell the truth and to be as intimate as is comfortable for both of us.

Your expectations may be different. The point is to choose them instead of waiting for someone else to define your role.

Think about what you want to do for them and with them

You may want to do wonderful things for someone and never actually do them because you don't plan.

That is like procrastinating on the relationship. You wait until something goes wrong or the other person needs something before responding.

Ask what you want to do for them this week. Then ask what you want to do with them.

Maybe you want to plan dinner, go for a walk, attend a game, or do something thoughtful before their big presentation.

It only takes a moment to move from wanting the experience to looking into it and making a plan.

I am often the planner in my relationships. When someone calls with an idea for something they would love to do with me, I find it touching. They have thought about our time together before asking me to arrange it.

Plan for now and for later

Some experiences can happen today. Others become possible because you plan weeks or months ahead.

What would you like to do together now? What would you like to do together later?

Planning ahead doesn't always require much effort. It gives you more time and options.

When I ask my team to organize something at the last minute, it is harder and often more expensive. When I give them plenty of time to plan dinner and a comedy club for my friends, we can create an extraordinary evening much more easily.

There is also something meaningful about knowing someone thought about you ahead of time.

Ask your partner what they would enjoy doing with you and what they would like you to do for them. That interest can be intimate in itself.

You don't have to do only what they suggest. You can plan things you want and add surprises. But asking what they want for a birthday can prevent disappointment that was entirely avoidable.

Communicate your expectations of them

It is okay to have expectations of the other person. I believe they should be more than nothing.

And your happiness should not depend on whether they meet them.

We get into trouble when we never communicate an expectation and then become angry when someone doesn't fulfill it. We also get into trouble when we make our emotional lives dependent on their behavior.

Tell them what you expect and why. Then recognize that you are responsible for your happiness.

One of my expectations is that people tell me what they actually want. I don't want someone doing things they don't want to do at their own expense and resenting me afterward.

Sometimes you do something you wouldn't otherwise choose because you want the other person to have that experience. You still want to do it for that reason. That is different from doing it resentfully.

Find your want matches and your dealbreakers

When you both share expectations, you can see where your wants match.

You want fidelity, and they don't want to be with anyone else. You want to get married, and they do, too. You value being on time, and they enjoy being on time.

Those are want matches.

You may also discover differences. You want every weekend together, while they want time with friends, alone, or hiking.

Categorize those differences together. Which are agreeable non-matches? Which are dealbreakers?

You might decide an expectation isn't a dealbreaker after talking. Or you might decide you don't want the relationship without it.

Discuss that before you get in too deep. Honesty matters more than saying you will fulfill an expectation and repeatedly not doing it.

Once you know your want matches, make plans around them. You can repeatedly enjoy doing something you want to do that the other person also wants you to do.

Look at your habitual reactions

How do you react when something doesn't go as expected? Do you snap, yell, become resentful, or make up stories?

Write down the reactions and their effects on the relationship. Then decide what you want to change.

Communication about texting is a simple example.

I am not a very responsive texter. I don't like texting when I am with someone else, and sometimes I forget to respond.

That doesn't mean I don't love the person who texted me. But if I don't explain it, they may make up a story that I am upset or don't want to hear from them.

I tell friends to text again if they need a response. I also ask them to text before calling so we can find a time that works.

Being clear about how you communicate can prevent drama, especially when you are dating.

Choose how you show up

Being proactive puts you in more control of yourself, not the other person.

You decide your own expectations, make thoughtful plans, ask what they want, and tell the truth about what you want.

You can celebrate what you see in them: their success, their effort, or how they are getting through a challenge. That doesn't have to be complicated. Tell them the truth about what you love.

Most of us want to be good partners and friends. Thinking ahead gives that desire somewhere to go.