Mental Toughness

When you push yourself, what does the voice in your head sound like?

Does it believe in you? Or does it tell you that you are weak, inadequate, and not doing enough?

Both voices may push you toward action. But they create very different relationships with yourself.

I want to talk about mental toughness that comes from love—and how to recognize when toughness has gone too far.

Decide where you want to become stronger

I have been thinking about mental toughness in sports, business, and relationships with other people.

Watching my son Christian play golf, I admire his ability to stay focused, committed, and positive. He works with his own mind in a way that serves him.

I also notice my own ability to let people judge me or be wrong about me without automatically taking their opinion on as truth.

These are areas where I want to keep developing strength.

You get to decide where you want that strength in your life. You do not have to make being tough in every possible situation the standard.

Ask where mental toughness would serve you and where you need more care.

Strength does not require cruelty

There is an idea that being strong means being mean to yourself.

I believe the opposite can be true.

You can be disciplined and firm because you love yourself and want the life you are creating.

You can work through thoughts that would lead you to actions you do not want without attacking the person having those thoughts.

It is similar to the way you want to treat someone you love. You can believe in them, expect a lot, and support them through a challenge.

That is different from trying to shame them into doing it.

Become aware of the thoughts you are practicing

Start by noticing what is happening in your brain.

Are your thoughts strengthening you or weakening you?

You cannot consciously choose what to practice if you do not know what you are thinking.

Thought downloads and coaching help reveal the thoughts to you.

Once you see them, you can decide what you want to believe and what you want to practice believing.

I want thoughts that make me feel capable and keep me moving toward what I truly want.

Use explanations that give you your power back

I do not like making excuses that weaken me.

If I explain a behavior I regret by saying I had a long day or fought with someone, I can make the circumstance responsible for what I did.

That puts the power outside me.

I can instead acknowledge that I chose to eat the chips or ice cream because I did not want to feel my feelings.

I do not have to like that explanation. But it gives me ownership of the choice and something I can change.

Notice how an explanation feels. Does it pull you away from what you want, or help you understand yourself and make a different decision?

Responsibility does not need to include self-attack.

Watch what you make a mistake mean

Sports make this visible quickly.

When I miss a shot in pickleball, what do I think about myself? What do I think about my partner?

Does the thought strengthen me for the next point or make it harder to play?

You can apply that question to any mistake.

A missed shot does not have to mean you are a bad player, that the whole game will go badly, or that you cannot win.

Learn what you can and move to the next shot.

You can practice having a short memory for the mistake without losing the lesson from it.

Focus on what you can control

Other people can judge you, disagree, or dislike your choices.

I find it empowering to allow that. I can let people be wrong about me without arguing with their right to have an opinion.

I had an experience waiting in a long line for a concert when women stepped in front of us.

When I pointed out where the line began, they responded with insults.

I could hold my ground without taking their words on as a description of me. I noticed how emotionally steady I felt in the situation.

That is a kind of strength I value.

On a court, I cannot control every call or my partner's decisions. In the rest of life, I cannot control every opinion.

I can choose how I think and what I do.

Choose thoughts that strengthen you

I practice thoughts about being capable, being able to do hard things, and becoming stronger.

I remind myself that I have power within me and can focus on what I can control.

Even a loss can become an opportunity to strengthen my mind.

Or I can use it to blame, make excuses, and weaken myself.

Pay attention to the difference in how those thoughts feel and what they lead you to do.

Your thoughts create feelings, which influence your actions and results. Mental toughness includes being deliberate about that connection.

Allow fear so you can practice courage

Mental toughness is not necessarily the absence of fear.

Sometimes fear is appropriate. We want awareness when something is dangerous or challenging.

For an emotional challenge you know you can safely experience, you can make room for the fear and act courageously with it present.

You do not have to close down your life to avoid a negative feeling.

Willingness to experience emotion can help you stay open to the things you want to do.

The aim is developing the capacity to feel, not pretending that you never do.

Recognize toughness that harms you

Mental toughness goes too far when it becomes demeaning.

The voice says you should be stronger, you are not good enough, or it does not matter how you feel.

It pushes you through insecurity, frustration, anger, or disgust with yourself.

I experienced that with dieting and overexercising.

I could follow a diet, remain hungry, and exercise until I was depleted. I got a result, but the process involved beating myself up and working against myself.

It was not sustainable.

That is different from encouraging yourself to continue a hike because you believe in your strength and want to develop it.

The tone and the emotion behind the action matter.

High expectations can come from love

One of my toughest teachers was my algebra teacher, Mrs. Gaubill.

She pushed us and expected us to study because she believed we could do well.

I learned to sit down and work when I did not want to, overcome excuses, and develop my knowledge.

That kind of strength stayed with me.

I want my children, employees, and clients to know I expect great things because I believe in them.

I want to offer that same support to myself.

You can keep going when something is hard and love yourself through it.

Strengthen the relationship with yourself

The benefit of mental toughness is not only the task you finish.

It is the relationship you develop with yourself while creating the life you want.

Notice your thoughts. Choose ones that strengthen you. Own your choices. Learn from mistakes. Allow other people their opinions.

Then listen to the voice guiding you.

Be tough because you believe in yourself, not because you do not. That is the kind of strength I want to keep building.