Influence

Who are you comparing yourself to?

And who are you allowing to influence you?

Those questions changed the way I looked at my life after a conversation with my friends Alex and Leila.

Alex suggested that changing the people you compare yourself to can change your life.

It made me stop and consider which comparisons I was using—and whether I even wanted the life or behavior I was measuring myself against.

Question the ideal life you have been taught to expect

Sometimes we compare our lives with an imaginary version in which everything goes correctly.

Our parents are happy and parent perfectly. Everyone stays healthy. We do well in school. Relationships have no problems.

Then something happens, and we say it was not supposed to happen.

According to whom?

Often that ideal is a combination of socialized expectations we have absorbed without questioning them.

It is worth becoming conscious of where those expectations came from before you use them as the measure of your life.

Notice messages you have been swimming in

I have spent a lot of time questioning messages about women, money, power, and business.

While watching a documentary about supermodels, I heard an interviewer describe a woman as powerful and then suggest it was not a very feminine word.

I was struck by that.

How does being powerful make a woman less feminine?

People who grew up hearing those associations may carry them without noticing.

Becoming more aware of underlying messages has been part of becoming a more conscious human for me.

I want to know what is influencing my choices, both positively and negatively.

Comparison can inspire rather than diminish

I do not think comparison is automatically a problem.

You can compare yourself with someone in a way that inspires growth and makes you feel excited about what is possible.

You can also compare in a way that makes you feel inadequate.

Some people compare downward to feel better, or upward to feel worse.

I want to use comparison consciously.

Do I want to think more like this person? Act more like them? Show up in a similar way?

If yes, their example may be useful.

Identify your main influences

For some people, the strongest influences are parents or their family of origin. For others, it is friends.

When I did this exercise, I identified my best friends, children, boyfriend, and the authors I read.

Those authors can influence me profoundly even if I never meet them.

The question is not only whom you physically spend time with. It is whom you let shape your thinking.

That includes conversations, texts, calls, books, and the people you spend time thinking about.

Make the choice consciously.

Review what is in your social media feed

Your feed gives you repeated doses of influence.

Who is there? What are they saying? What are you reading and watching each day?

I like finding ambitious entrepreneurial women in their fifties and older who care for their health and are doing well in business.

That is an influence I actively want.

I also notice whether something is encouraging me to purchase more, focus on superficial things, or compare in a way I do not enjoy.

Something you originally followed because it was funny can still affect your thinking.

Look at your groups, too. Being around complaining or mean comments can influence you even if you are not the person making them.

Do not confuse consciousness with hearing only one view

I do not think we should limit ourselves to one perspective, especially in areas such as politics.

I want exposure to different ideas and enough understanding to consider more than one side.

When I choose documentaries, I notice whether I am open to the ideas or already resisting them.

Sometimes I do not want to be influenced in a particular direction. I want that decision to be conscious and to understand my reason.

The goal is not to remove every challenging idea.

It is to know how you are engaging with it rather than absorb or resist automatically.

Look at people who are close to you

Consider friends, family, and coworkers.

How do they feel about themselves? What are their standards? How do they behave? Do you inspire each other?

Look at what they say and how they treat you.

I also do what I call a proximity audit.

Who is physically around me whom I may not think of as an influence?

That could be an employee, assistant, someone helping around the house, or someone I regularly play pickleball with.

They are part of the environment I experience.

Choose the qualities you want demonstrated

Rather than only list names, ask which qualities you want influencing you.

For me, those include generosity, kindness, thoughtfulness, love, ambition, motivation, nonjudgment, strength, fitness, and discipline.

My friend Tonya Leigh has influenced how I dress simply through the care she takes in presenting herself.

I have also learned from my boyfriend's kindness, presence, and calm.

When he handles a situation in a way I admire, I can feel inspired to learn instead of criticize myself for being different.

Even fictional characters can influence us. The way Kerry Washington portrayed Olivia Pope affected how I wanted to dress and show up.

Notice the influence, then decide whether you want it.

Stop competing with a version you do not want to become

I have played against pickleball teams that were aggressive and obnoxious but kept winning.

I would become frustrated because I wanted to win more.

Then I asked whether I wanted their approach to influence me.

I did not.

I did not want to become like them just to win that comparison.

It was a relief to remove them from the list of people I was measuring myself against.

I could still learn from skilled players whose attitude I did want to emulate.

Use the exercise to expand possibility

When I consciously reviewed my influences, I felt excited about my capacity to learn and grow.

I could appreciate other people without making their strengths mean I was less than.

I could remove some influences from my feed and add others I wanted more of.

This does not require eliminating people from your life.

It means deciding what you want to learn from and what you do not want to use as your measure.

Ask who influences you, whom you compare yourself to, and why.

Then choose examples that make you feel more inspired about the life you can create.