Fear

Fear doesn’t always look like fear.

It can look like anger. It can look like trying to control everyone around you. It can look like reading the same news over and over, looking for more evidence that you should be afraid.

When I coach someone who thinks they are frustrated, we sometimes discover fear underneath it. Recognizing that changes the work we need to do.

In Episode 333, I taught a process for finding fear, acknowledging it, processing it, and using the energy in a way that serves you.

The goal isn’t to eliminate fear so you can finally participate in your life. It is to learn how to experience fear and keep creating.

Notice how you respond to fear

You may react to fear by trying to manipulate circumstances or control other people. You feel threatened and become more aggressive, rather than appearing scared.

You may avoid it. You tell yourself you are strong, it is no big deal, and you have everything covered. Then something small produces a reaction that seems much bigger than the situation.

Or you may become immobilized and obsessed. You repeatedly check information about what scares you, proving the fear to yourself without making progress.

Look for these patterns in your life. Where are you controlling, pushing something down, or spinning in information? Is fear underneath it?

Awareness comes first. You can’t work compassionately with an emotion you haven’t acknowledged.

Don’t bully yourself out of being afraid

Telling yourself you shouldn’t be scared usually misses the opportunity to understand what is happening in your brain.

Listen to yourself even if the fear seems irrational. An intense amount of fear doesn’t automatically tell you that you are in an equally intense amount of danger. It tells you that your thoughts are creating an intense feeling.

Our minds create fear. The circumstance and the thought about it are different parts of the Model.

One way I begin is to acknowledge that I’m scared and that being scared is okay. It is an emotion, a vibration in my body, and part of the human experience.

I breathe and allow the feeling. For one person that might include crying or shaking. For another, it may feel subtle. The experience differs.

Instead of taking a breath to push the fear away and move on, take a breath and allow yourself to go into it. You are letting an emotion be there rather than fighting it.

Find the three thoughts scaring you

Once you have made room for the feeling, ask what is the matter. Listen with the kindness you would offer someone you love.

Write down the three main thoughts that scare you. You may be afraid of getting sick, losing your house, or someone being hurt. Whatever the thought is, acknowledge it.

I like focusing on three because so many of the supporting thoughts come down when you understand the main ones.

Now separate facts from thoughts. There may be a hurricane. There is also your thought about the hurricane. You cannot control the storm, but you can recognize what your mind is doing.

That separation can give you relief because you see a part of the experience you can work with.

Look for future thought errors, too. Where are you imagining something that hasn’t happened? Where are you making yourself believe a scenario your imagination created?

You aren’t doing this to rush out of fear. You are still allowing the feeling. You are learning what creates it.

Practice peace alongside fear

A lot of fear comes from being afraid of fear itself. When you learn you can experience the emotion, you no longer need to add that extra layer.

You can be afraid and survive the feeling.

I also practice peace alongside fear. I don’t use it as a demand that the fear disappear. I bring myself back to the present moment and notice what is true here.

In a moment when I’m sitting safely at home, I can recognize that I can handle this moment. I am handling it. I can feel fear and still be okay.

Notice the difference between the moment you are in and the imagined future you are reacting to. Let peace and fear coexist rather than making one a condition for the other.

Give the remaining energy somewhere useful to go

After processing fear, I sometimes notice energy that feels like anxiety or unused adrenaline. I have learned to channel that energy into my work.

Otherwise, it can build up, and I may use it against myself or lash out. When I direct it into producing something, I get work done and experience relief.

That requires focus. The pull may be to return to the news or the subject you think is scaring you and fill your brain with more frightening information.

Being informed matters. After you are informed and aware of your thoughts, ask what you can do with your energy.

How can you help? How can you serve? What could you produce that is useful?

In the episode’s 2020 context, I spoke to people who wanted to build businesses and provide for their families while feeling afraid. Business, for me, is creating value for the world and getting paid in exchange.

That process can become a way to evolve personally. It requires being willing to feel fear, doubt, and the discomfort of failing while continuing to create.

Move toward what you want

When you discover what you don’t want, notice what you want instead. Pushing against the unwanted thing can create more tension. Focusing on what you want gives your energy a direction.

What does your fear show you that you want to create? What solution, contribution, or result could you work toward?

You may have reasons to stop working and wait until the world feels less scary. I want you to decide whether you want to use those reasons or keep evolving through the experience.

You don’t have to produce something. But you can choose to learn how to process fear and create at the same time.

There will always be things to fear in a human life. Courage requires fear to be present.

Listen to yourself, allow the emotion, understand the thoughts, and give your energy a useful direction. You can be afraid and still contribute.