Do You Know How to Be Yourself?

If you are a peach, you will never be a very good apple.

You can spend your life trying. You can compare yourself with apples, decide people like them better, and blame yourself for not being one.

Or you can find out what it means to be the peach you are.

I love this analogy because some people simply don’t like peaches. We don’t blame the peach or the person. We accept the preference.

It can be the same when someone doesn’t want to hire, date, or spend time with you. You don’t need to become a different person to prove your worth.

In Episode 343, I asked whether you know how to be yourself. Building a loving relationship with yourself begins with telling the truth about who you are.

It is difficult to love a lie

Arriving at a particular result won’t make you more worthy or complete. But being yourself makes it easier to feel connected to yourself.

If you are pretending to be someone else, you know. You feel the distance between what is true and what you show.

Being yourself means telling the truth with less restriction and second-guessing about whether someone will like it. You can show up as you and let other people have their preferences.

That requires getting to know yourself rather than getting better at the performance.

Are you trying to become what your best friend is? What your mother wanted? What you see in a magazine?

Look at where you are blaming yourself for not being someone you aren’t.

Start with the people who really know you

Think about the people who know you best. What have you shown them that you don’t show everyone else?

What makes you feel understood by them? What do they know about your thinking, desires, humor, history, or preferences?

Those answers give you a place to start. You are looking for the truth of you, rather than the impression you try to create when you want approval.

You may already be living that truth in some relationships. Notice it and recognize what feels different.

Include the half you would rather hide

Being yourself also means seeing your full 50/50. You have parts you consider positive and parts you would prefer nobody notice.

You may feel shame about a history, an opinion, an emotion, your body, losing your temper, or something else you think isn’t acceptable.

You can’t fully embrace yourself if you refuse to look at half of the experience.

Bring that part into awareness and notice the judgment you add. Acknowledging it doesn’t require making it your whole identity.

Life contains positive and negative emotion. You can know yourself within that balance rather than waiting to remove every uncomfortable part.

Know what you love and desire

Ask what you truly want and whether you are willing to honor it.

In the episode, I described buying myself a ring with a beautiful pink stone. I had wanted a pink diamond and found a stone I loved in a diamond setting.

I gave the ring to myself as a way to acknowledge the courage I had used in following my desires. It represented love and gratitude for myself.

I think about my past, present, and future selves in relationship. My past self has done work I benefit from now. I can do work that benefits my future self.

That creates trust. I want to know I will listen to myself rather than sell myself out to please someone else.

I still catch myself people pleasing. The practice is asking what I really want and respecting the answer.

You can develop a relationship where you trust your own opinion. Honoring yourself can come from a caring, generous place rather than at anyone’s expense.

Let your daily choices be conscious

Consider how you dress, what you eat, where you live, and the work you do. Do those choices represent you, or an impression you want someone else to have?

I dress up for myself even when I won’t see anyone. I know what I like and how I want to feel.

You don’t need to be fancy. The question is whether you have consciously considered what you want.

Does your home inspire you when you see it? Is there some expression of you there? This doesn’t require money or moving somewhere else.

Does your work suit you? Can you be yourself in it, rather than constantly trying to control other people’s opinions?

I once admitted I didn’t enjoy little-kid birthday parties. I had been pretending because I wanted to be a good mother. Telling myself the truth let me stop going, and Chris was happy to take the kids.

I also practiced choosing flowers that only I would see. What did I want when there was nobody to impress? That small question helped me listen.

Stop answering that you don’t know

Telling yourself you don’t know who you are won’t help you uncover it. You may have layers of social programming and people pleasing in the way, but you can look underneath them.

Spend time alone and listen. Notice what draws you and why. If you were the only person seeing your choices, what would you prefer?

Meet new people, too. A new relationship gives you room to show up differently rather than replaying the identity everyone already expects.

When I developed new friendships in Austin, I practiced being who I wanted to be without people pleasing. It helped me recognize more of myself.

Ask why your life looks the way it does. Why these people, this work, these clothes? Are you following your desires or acting in someone else’s play?

If you find a performance, you don’t have to change your whole life immediately. Tell yourself the truth. Let changes come from a slow, loving process.

Receive the gift of being you

Your worthiness has always been complete. You don’t have to find more of it. You can learn to recognize and honor it through your choices.

I think of being myself as a gift. Instead of continually negotiating with the creation and pointing out what should have been different, I can enjoy the opportunity to be this person.

Loving yourself isn’t the same as believing you are better than everyone else. Developing that skill gives you more love to share.

You get to be you in the world. Listen, tell the truth, and let that person show up.