Deserved Hate

What do you do when someone is angry with you—and you can see why?

You made a mistake. You said something hurtful. You let them down or created a result that affected them negatively.

This is different from an anonymous person making assumptions about you online.

I call it deserved hate. I agree that no one deserves to be hated as a human. I use the phrase to explore the experience of receiving anger and criticism when we really did get something wrong.

Can we be present for that without defending ourselves immediately or turning against ourselves?

Not all criticism asks the same thing of you

I have taught about allowing people to be wrong about you.

People will judge your appearance, choices, work, and beliefs. Some judgments will be based on assumptions that are not true.

You cannot spend your life correcting every opinion or trying to make everyone like you.

Sometimes the useful choice is not to read or engage with anonymous, unproductive criticism.

I also teach practicing love for people who hate you and for people you currently hate, while remembering that life includes both positive and negative experiences.

But there is another situation to consider: criticism that comes after something you have done that genuinely affected someone.

Be willing to acknowledge that you missed the mark

I have had many moments when I got it wrong.

Whether or not I meant well, I let someone down, hurt them, or affected them negatively.

When I can acknowledge my responsibility without resisting their anger, I have a more compassionate experience.

I can recognize that they are disappointed for a reason.

For me, a familiar example is making a sarcastic comment or joke that hurts a friend.

I may cringe when I realize what I did. I can still own it and make room for the person's feedback rather than immediately block it or try to make everything right.

Sometimes being present is the work.

Separate your behavior from your worthiness

If you are prone to beating yourself up, be careful with this practice.

You can dislike something you said or did. You can recognize a failure or a way you showed up that you wish had been different.

That does not require hating yourself as a human.

There is no upside to attacking your own humanness.

Look at the behavior. Consider how to prevent it from happening again. Apologize if that is needed. Fix what you can when that is the choice you want to make.

Sometimes you cannot fix it. You may have to be present with the responsibility of having hurt someone.

You can be fallible and responsible while still being lovable and worthy.

Notice the impulse to blame

I once hurt a friend while reacting from negative emotion.

I was upset with them, and I wanted them to be responsible for what I had done.

But my behavior was still mine.

I have noticed the same impulse in business. As the founder, I am responsible for hiring and what happens in the company.

When something fails, I can want to blame someone else. I have to bring the responsibility back to myself.

I have also shown up in a family situation in a way I was not proud of and heard myself explaining why other things caused it.

I had made the choice. I needed to own that.

The more responsibility I take with love and compassion, the more I can learn.

Good intentions do not erase what happened

A client was devastated after someone overheard her private conversation about them.

She had said something she would not have wanted to say to their face.

It was tempting to focus on why they should not have been listening or why they should not have been there.

But what mattered to her was that she had done something that hurt another person.

She had not intended for them to hear it. That did not change the fact that they had.

Owning what happened gave her an alternative to resisting, blaming, and complaining.

We will sometimes get things wrong and experience consequences. Accepting that can bring freedom, even when the situation still feels terrible.

Responsibility does not make the experience pleasant

Having compassion and acknowledging someone's anger does not guarantee a good situation.

It may remain very negative.

That is part of the human experience, too.

I do not think everyone must be pleasant, calm, and constructive every moment, including when someone has done them wrong.

There is room for negative emotion as well as positive emotion.

The practice is to be present for both instead of require the experience to become comfortable before you will acknowledge it.

Explore compassion without forcing forgiveness

I have coached people about things they did that they did not want to forgive themselves for.

I understand that.

I am not telling you that you must forgive yourself or have compassion. Those are personal choices.

I do want to invite you to explore accepting your fallibility.

Maybe forgiveness does not feel available, but compassion does.

Recognizing that you are a human who is not perfect can also help you understand others when they get things wrong.

When we cannot accept our own failures, it can be hard to offer that acceptance to anyone else.

Learn rather than hide from your life

If you have let someone down, failed, or hurt them, take a breath.

Be willing to acknowledge what is true.

Look at what you can learn about yourself and what you want to do differently.

You do not need to agree with every accusation. But sometimes you can agree with the criticism instead of fight the fact that you made a mistake.

The alternative can become hiding from life because you are afraid of getting anything wrong.

The more you do and create, the more there will be to experience—both good and bad.

I want you to keep showing up.

Own your behavior. Allow space for the consequences and feedback. Stay connected to your humanness and worthiness.

You can learn from getting it wrong without making it the end of your willingness to live.