Criticism

The best way to avoid criticism is to stay in the crowd. Don't take risks. Don't offer a different idea. Don't put your work into the world.

But for some of us, that comes with another kind of criticism: the voice inside that tells us we aren't doing what we're here to do. For me, that internal criticism gets too loud. I would rather risk the external criticism.

If you feel that pull to contribute, lead, or become a coach, I want you to know you can learn to handle criticism. It doesn't have to stop you from being who you want to be.

Why one negative comment gets so much attention

I coached a student who had received many wonderful comments about her work and a few negative ones. The negative ones created such a strong reaction that she wanted to retreat.

Our brains want approval and inclusion. When we stand apart from the group to speak, publish an idea, or create something new, we open ourselves up to disapproval. The brain pays attention to the threat.

I know this experience. When I published If I'm So Smart, Why Can't I Lose Weight?, there was so much positive feedback. But I obsessed over the few negative comments. I wanted to write those people letters, go to their homes, and explain why they were wrong.

With practice, that changed. I have more people paying attention to my work now, which also means more criticism. But I spend much less time trying to convince everyone to like me. We aren't going to live forever, and that is not how I want to use my time.

You don't have to read every comment

The first option is simple: don't go looking for the criticism.

I stopped reading the comments on my book. My team handles social media comments and brings me something significant when I need to see it.

That means I don't read every wonderful comment either. I don't use either kind of feedback to determine whether I have a good day or a bad day. I put my best work into the world.

Especially when you are new to this, give yourself some space. You cannot make everyone happy while creating something different. You don't need to spend all your time reading what everyone thinks.

Give positivity airtime in your brain

Some of you need to read your own emails and respond to comments. If you are going to read feedback, notice where your attention goes.

It's easy to skim over the positive comments and spend the rest of the day thinking about the negative one. The brain sees a threat in disapproval and no threat in praise, so it gives the threat more attention.

Make a conscious choice to give equal airtime—or more—to positive thoughts. Read the positive feedback. Offer yourself encouragement. Create your own positive judgments about the work you are doing.

You can do that while remaining open to criticism. You don't have to let the negative comment become the only thing your brain talks about.

Find the truth instead of resisting it

When I do read criticism, I look for what is true. As soon as I become open to finding the truth, the resistance and fear start to go away.

Even if a comment is written in a derogatory way, I can put the language and the person's possible agenda aside and ask whether there is something useful in it.

Maybe you made a grammatical error. That is the truth. You can fix it.

Watch what your brain wants to add: you aren't educated, you aren't good enough, you have no business writing online. Those are very different thoughts from recognizing an error.

Maybe there was a flaw in a tool you created. Maybe you were biased or snarky in a post. You can hear that information, learn from it, and make your work better.

Sometimes criticism will hurt because you did something you wish you hadn't done. Let that be part of the experience. Life is fifty-fifty. We don't have to be perfect to keep moving forward.

Release defensiveness without attacking yourself

I had someone become very angry with me on the phone. He started telling me about myself, and a lot of what he said was true. I didn't want to hear it, but I tried to stay open and listen.

I could see things in my own life that I wanted to work on. As I acknowledged that, the conversation softened. People want to be heard, and I wanted to hear him.

What doesn't help is taking someone else's criticism and adding a whole layer of your own attack. Beating yourself up doesn't make the feedback useful, help you grow, or serve the world.

The bigger you grow and the more your work expands, the more people will examine it. You can use that experience to become better and stronger. It can also mean people care enough about what you do to pay attention.

Pay attention to the critic inside

The most debilitating criticism is often the noise inside your own brain. It criticizes you before you begin, while you're doing the work, and after you're finished.

You can't control all the external criticism. You can work on the thoughts you believe about yourself. Those thoughts affect your feelings, how you show up, what you create, and the results in your life.

Use the same process with internal criticism. Find what is true and useful. Use it to grow. Then move on without continuing to beat yourself up.

Don't let potential criticism stop you from saying what you have to say. Trust that you can stand apart from the crowd and deal with the response in a way that makes your life better. Keep showing up.