Awful and Awesome

You know the parts of yourself you are proud of.

You may also know the parts you wish no one would discover.

What happens when someone notices your strengths? Do you let yourself enjoy it, or worry that they do not know the whole truth about you?

I want to offer this: the awful part of you does not cancel the awesome part.

You are a human being with both. Neither side changes your worthiness.

Your worthiness is not conditional

I believe every human being is 100 percent worthy.

Being here as a human is enough evidence for me. What you have done, what you have not done, or what happened to you does not remove that worth.

No amount of pain or trauma in your childhood makes you less worthy.

Nor do the effects of how you were treated.

This does not remove responsibility for your actions. If you have done something negative, there may be something to address or take responsibility for.

I am saying that it does not take away the worthiness at the core of being you.

Life contains both sides, and so do you

I teach that life is 50:50: positive and negative.

The contrast helps us understand both sides. We do not create a fully positive world and then stop experiencing problems.

Even as problems evolve, the negative part remains part of being alive.

Understanding that changed my life. I could allow the world to be what it was instead of expecting to make everything positive.

I also needed to understand the same balance within myself.

I have positive and negative emotions. I have characteristics and behaviors I like, and others I do not.

That does not make me an imposter when someone recognizes something wonderful in me.

Look at the awful without hiding

When I ask about your awful part, what comes up?

You may think about mistakes, attempts to control people, selfishness at someone else's expense, or commitments you did not keep.

You may think about procrastination, reactivity, or judgments you make about yourself.

For me, it includes times when I am short with people, impatient, or controlling.

Sometimes I make a lot of drama about something small. Sometimes I snap at someone.

I used to feel shame about those things and think they meant I was wrong or unworthy.

Coaching helped me see that they were part of my human experience.

That did not mean justifying every behavior. It meant I could stop resisting the fact that I had it and decide what I wanted to do.

Give the awesome equal attention

Now look at the other side.

Where are you kind, generous, loving, organized, or skilled?

Where do you take good care of yourself? Where do you demonstrate discipline, contribution, or care for someone else?

You may be wonderful at your work, a sport, or friendship.

Can you acknowledge those things without immediately bringing up a flaw to dismiss them?

You can hold space for both sides. You can know you have made mistakes and also know you have done beautiful things.

There may be parts where you feel neither particularly awful nor particularly awesome. Those are part of you, too.

You do not have to reduce yourself to one side.

Question the imaginary standard of perfection

Most of us carry an idea of how a human should be.

It may come from religion, family, school, or a person we admire.

We imagine the perfect mother, partner, or person and compare ourselves with that picture.

Then we decide our imperfection means we are not normal or not good.

But what if all mothers are imperfect? What if every human is?

Then the standard is an illusion, not a description of how everyone else is managing to live.

You do not have to become that imaginary person before you are enough.

Growth does not require becoming more worthy

The thought that I did not have to be better than I was released so much tension for me.

I could be enough in the present.

That did not mean I lost the desire to grow. Contrast can create desire. It shows us what we want to develop.

You can evolve into more of yourself without becoming a more worthy human.

You will still have both sides. You are not trying to remove every negative part until you become perfect.

Happiness is not waiting at the end of perfection.

If you keep expecting that point, every struggle can feel like evidence you have not earned the right to be happy yet.

Acceptance can create compassion for other people

When I began accepting both sides of myself, it became easier to recognize both sides in other people.

Someone may be going through the awful part of their human experience.

I can understand that because I have one, too.

That helps me drop judgment and become less reactive. I am not perfect at it, but I can do it more often.

I like believing people are doing the best they can, even when what they can do in that moment is awful.

I can see the reality of the moment without turning it into a verdict on their worth.

The same applies to me. I can acknowledge that my reaction was awful without adding another layer of suffering by attacking myself for it.

Notice which side you are focusing on

If you are locked into self-hatred, consider whether you have been giving all your attention to the awful.

The awesome is still there.

You can shift your focus without pretending the negative does not exist.

After a round of golf, my son Christian was focused on the bogeys. I reminded him about the seven birdies and all the holes where he had played well.

Those were part of the round, too.

It was just as possible to notice them as it was to notice the parts he did not like.

Ask where you have been overlooking what is going well or what you genuinely appreciate about yourself.

Let yourself experience your whole self

If you hide your awesome because you are ashamed of your awful, you miss the chance to experience yourself fully.

You do not need to pretend the mistakes are not there. You also do not need to hide your strengths.

Love and acceptance can include both.

If you need help seeing that, talk with someone who understands your worthiness. In my coaching work, that understanding is foundational.

You are worthy of love and acceptance while being human, not only after you have eliminated every part you dislike.

Recognize the negative. Take responsibility where needed. Give the positive room to be seen.

You are allowed to know how awesome you are without denying the rest of you.