Are You a Hater?

Haters don't know they're haters.

They think the person they're talking about is the problem. They feel justified. They have evidence that someone is doing it wrong, and they get together with other people who agree.

But being able to agree that someone is wrong doesn't answer the most important question: how is spending your time hating them serving you?

I want you to ask that question honestly. Not to start hating yourself for the answer, but to decide what you want to do instead.

You are the one who feels the hate

I've had people be furious with me because they didn't feel they could spend enough time personally with me. They wanted more from me and then spent their time talking negatively about me.

Hating someone doesn't make them want to spend more time with you. And it doesn't put your feeling into their body.

You are the person thinking the thoughts and experiencing the hate. The person you're talking about may not even know you're doing it.

We often have a manual for how someone should behave. When they don't follow it, we become angry and want other people to agree. But notice where that leaves you. What are you creating in your own emotional life?

Connection doesn't have to come from complaining

I don't underestimate the importance of belonging to a group. Getting together to complain can create camaraderie. There is energy in feeling that everyone agrees with you.

But connecting through hate is a poor substitute for connecting through love, excitement, joy, and success.

If the group doesn't love the person it is talking about, whom does it love? Whom could you support or rally behind?

If you can't find someone else, celebrate each other. Build each other up instead of tearing someone down. You can still experience connection, but from a place that creates more positivity.

If complaining is the place where you feel most powerful, notice that. You don't have to make it the center of your life.

Look at your own participation

You don't need to be in a large online group to do this. You might do it with a few friends, talking about a neighbor, the school principal, your child's teacher, or someone in your family.

Ask whether you get excited when someone else struggles. Are you angry about someone else's success? Are you spending your mental energy on how people aren't treating you right?

If you had a bad experience, what are you doing to help other people have a great experience? Are you focused on that, or on repeating what went wrong?

You can ask your friends whether you complain and put people down. Then listen to the truth.

And don't overlook passive participation. Reading the negativity, paying attention to it, and enjoying someone being pulled down still puts that material into your brain.

It affects you even when you aren't the one making the comment.

Stop using hate as a substitute for your own growth

The answer to you not winning is not someone else failing. The answer is you winning.

What are you doing with your thoughts? What are you saying? Where are you putting your energy?

I know what it is like to commiserate about how other people aren't treating me right and blame them for why I am not succeeding. I can collect plenty of evidence and still end up wanting a different life.

Eventually I decided it wasn't a good use of my time. If I couldn't build someone else up, I could keep my mouth shut and build myself up.

Complaining can be buffering. You focus on someone else's life instead of facing your own. When you stop participating, you may feel withdrawal because you are left with yourself and the life you want to create.

That is exactly where you can do your work.

Constructive change can come from love

Complaining is not justice. If you want to fight for something, focus on what you want to create and generate the energy that can take you toward that solution.

You can enact change from love. Sometimes that includes confronting someone in a constructive way.

Ask why you are doing it. Is something positive going to come from the conversation? Is it an effort that matters, or would your time be better spent growing what you want?

I listen to constructive complaints about my work. I hear them, change, and become better. That is different from using negativity to keep tearing someone down.

Would you say what you're saying to the person's face and feel proud that it was constructive? Does it reflect who you want to be?

Practice celebrating instead

I was walking with a man I was dating when a woman passed us. She was gorgeous and wearing an amazing outfit. I told her she looked incredible, and she was delighted.

He was surprised. He said other women he had dated might have been jealous or looked for something negative to say about her.

I wanted to celebrate her. Her looking amazing wasn't a reason for me to put her down.

We have so much opportunity to build women up and create wonderful lives. Tearing each other down doesn't help us do that.

If you notice yourself participating in hate, don't beat yourself up or start hating the haters. Decide how you want to change.

You can leave the group, stop participating, or ask to talk about something more positive. Then put your attention on what you love, what you want to build, and who you want to become.

You have goodness to share. Give your energy to that.