You are listening to The Life Coach School Podcast with Brooke Castillo, episode number 37.
Welcome to The Life Coach School Podcast, where it's all about real clients, real problems, and real coaching. And now, your host, Master Coach Instructor, Brooke Castillo.
Hi, everybody. It's Brooke Castillo. Today, we are going to talk about how you hurt your feelings.
I know that we've talked a lot about feelings before, and we've talked a lot about how our thoughts create our feelings. But it doesn't matter how many times we talk about it. I always want to talk about it in a new way, so someone can hear it in a new way and get it in a new way.
This past weekend, I was down in San Diego working with my business coach, and a couple of new people were in our small group, and we went and got drinks after the coaching session. And it was really exciting. What's really fun is to meet all sorts of new people in all different industries and talk about their businesses and talk about their lives and what they do.
And it's really fun for me to be hanging out with people that aren't necessarily coaches. I usually tend to spend most of my time with coaches. Obviously, we all work together, we're colleagues, and we're very like-minded, and we enjoy each other's company.
But I was talking to two men who were there, and we were chatting afterwards and talking about success and our goals for the year and what we were planning on doing. And one was talking to me, first of all, I have to tell you this a little side note. I thought he looked exactly like Prince, and I told him that he looked exactly like Prince, and he did not know who I was talking about.
And I was very confused. I thought maybe it was because he was from Pakistan that maybe he didn't know about Prince, but he had been here way too long not to know. And what I realized and what my friend Todd explained to me was that I'm old.
He said these guys are 25 years old. They were born in the 90s, and Prince was in the 80s. And I cannot even tell you what a profound moment that was for me.
First of all, it's very confusing to me that people who were born in the 90s can drink alcohol. It just seems strange that I'm that old. And it also seems really strange that I'm talking about artists that I listened to growing up, that younger people have no idea who I'm talking about.
So those of you who are in your 40s like I am, will totally relate to that, because I think like most people, we think we're all the same age. And so when I hang out with the 25 year old man, I think that we're the same age. But clearly we are not the same age.
Clearly, I am a lot older and not everyone knows who Prince is. So there's that. Okay, so anyway, I was talking to him, and we were talking about his goals for his life and what he was telling me, that he was so driven and that he was so ambitious.
And so being the coach that I am, I of course asked him why. Why is he so driven? And I think that's an interesting question.
It seems, why seems like such a simple question. It's one of the questions that I tell all of my students is the most powerful question you can ask in all of coaching, whether you're coaching yourself or you're coaching someone else. Asking them, why is that pondering question that brings so much awareness?
So I had asked him why he was so driven and so ambitious. So if you are driven and ambitious, ask yourself why. It's fascinating to see the reasons behind it.
And what he said, I think without thinking too much about it, was that he didn't want to end up like his dad. And I said, so it sounds like you're driven by fear of not wanting something. You want to not end up like someone else.
And of course, I asked him what the reasons were. And we talked a lot about it. And it was really fascinating.
And I think it was equally as fascinating to him because he didn't have a lot of exposure to the coaching world and our type of causal coaching. And so he was able to see some things in a new way, which, of course, is really fun for me and for him to see it. He's really smart, caught on really quick to the concept of what I was trying to show him.
And one of the things that he was really struggling with was wanting his father's approval and really wanting to have a relationship with his dad that was peaceful. And I said to him, I said, listen, I think that you get to have that relationship if you want it. That is completely up to you.
And there's nothing that your father can do to change that, if that's the kind of relationship you want to have with him. And he was really confused. He kept saying, okay, no, wait, explain that to me again.
And I think the most important piece, and of course, what I meant by that is the feeling of peace comes from how we think. And so how we think about people is how we're going to feel about people, right? So he was thinking when he thought of his dad, he loves his dad very much, but was thinking in a very fearful way.
And so he was driven to seek his dad's approval in a very kind of fear driven, scared way that wasn't serving his relationship with his father, certainly not creating a sense of peace with his father. So what I explained to him was that however he wants to feel about his relationship with his dad, that is completely up to him. And what he offered was that, but my father has really hurt me.
He's really hurt my feelings and gave me some examples about how his father had hurt his feelings. And I explained to him, I said, nobody can hurt your feelings but you. And he was like, what?
What do you mean no one can hurt my feelings? And I said, yeah, it's something that I teach all the time. And I just wanted to tell you that no matter what your father said to you, he can't hurt your feelings unless you have a feeling about it that hurts your own feelings.
And in fact, that's what we do. We hurt our own feelings with our own thinking. And if we believe what someone says to us, if it's really negative, then it's going to hurt.
And if we don't believe what they say to us, it's not going to hurt. So I said to him, I said, what if I said to you that I didn't approve of you? Would that hurt your feelings?
He said, not really. And, you know, we had just recently met. And I said, so it's the same thing, right?
Your dad saying he doesn't approve of you, me saying I don't approve of you. Why is it different for you? The only difference is the same words.
A different person saying him, but it's what you make it mean. When I say it, you don't make it mean much. And when your father says it, you make it mean something really powerful for you.
And that's very painful. And if you can recognize that you're the one hurting you when you interpret what someone says in a certain way, then you really understand how much power you have in your relationships and in your relationship with yourself. And that if you want even if your father was to say something like that to you, you could still have peace with him.
And your desire for getting his approval is because you believe once you have it, then you'll be able to have a better relationship with him and you believe you'll be able to have a better relationship with yourself. And what I want you to see is that whatever relationship you want is available to you now, because you are the one that controls how you think about the relationship and the feelings that you have towards it. Now, I know that this is a tricky concept for people because I talk about it a lot with my students, and we really work on it.
And still, when we go to talk about different issues, the same exact thing comes up. And they're like, oh, I thought I got that. But it's one of those concepts that when you're in your relationships, it's much harder to remember than when you're looking at someone else's relationship.
And so as we went on in the conversation, he kept saying, but then this person hurt my feelings, and this person made me feel this way. And then this this is what my father made me feel. And I kept having to remind him over and over and over again that he's the one that's making himself feel that way.
And that being ambitious is a wonderful thing. And whenever I talk to someone who's really ambitious and really driven, I want to understand how much anxiety and stress they have in their lives, because that will be the indicator of why they are ambitious. So I asked him actually what his top three feelings were on a regular basis.
That's one of the questions that we use a lot in our coaching. What are your top three feelings? And his first feeling was anxiety.
And so when you take someone who's very driven, and they're experiencing a lot of anxiety in their life, it's normally because they're driven by a negative emotion that they're trying to avoid, and they're trying to escape that negative emotion by achieving some result that they believe will set them free from that emotion that they're experiencing. And that's exactly what was going on here, is he was trying to achieve a certain result to get his father's approval so he could be at peace with his relationship with his dad and also at peace with himself and feeling like he was quote unquote, approval worthy. And what's so interesting is when I asked him, I said, can you understand because of the way your father was raised?
Can you understand because of the experience in his life, why he may be feeling this way and saying these things towards you? Do you think it's because he doesn't love you? Or do you think it's maybe because of his belief systems and his intentions in his own mind and how he feels and thinks about himself?
And of course, that was obvious when you pointed out that way. Most of what we tell ourselves when we really evaluate it doesn't make sense. So if we say, if we're thinking in our mind, well, my dad said that because he doesn't love me.
But then I'll ask, hey, does your dad love you? Of course, he loves me. Right?
So it's like we tell ourselves things that contradict what we know to be true. And so I offered to him to maybe explore that there is no right or wrong here. It's not like he's right and you're wrong, or the only other option is that you're right and he's wrong.
Right? Maybe there's just two sets of belief systems that are trying to prove themselves right here, and that's creating a lot of conflict. Maybe if we could allow room in that relationship for a different set of belief systems and a commitment to feeling the way we want to feel in the relationship, there would be so much more space and freedom for the relationship to be at peace instead of being in constant conflict.
And that doesn't mean that we agree or condone or allow things that we don't want in our life, but it also means that we don't give in to negative thought patterns about people that we actually care about. And that is a huge one as we go into this holiday season, right? A lot of us are going to be connected to our families and seeing maybe members of our family that we haven't seen in a long time, members of our family that we wouldn't normally choose to spend time with.
But you get to decide how you want to feel when you're with those people. You really do. And there's nothing they can do or say or act that can prevent you from feeling the way that you want to feel.
And so if what you want most is approval from someone in your life, and there's so many of us that want this, right? We want approval from our parents. We want approval from our spouses.
We want approval from our children. So if that's something that you really want, and you don't have to tell anyone about it, you can just, you know, just between me and you here, think about that person that you really want that approval from. You feel like if they were to say to you, I approve of you.
I think you're worthy. I think you matter. Ask yourself, why is that important to you?
What are you making it mean if you get that person's approval? So with this young man that I was talking to, what did it mean to him to have his dad's approval? If his dad approved of him, then it meant that he was worthy and that he had done enough in his life and that he had accomplished enough in his life to have his father's approval, and then he could be at peace, and then he would have a very joyous relationship with his father.
And that may or may not be true. That could happen or maybe it wouldn't happen. But what's more important is the relationship he wants with his father is available to him now.
It's not the approval that is required for him to feel at peace with his dad. It's his mind changing to allow him to feel peace now. And I told him, I said, when you do this work, and he said, well, I'm just really waiting for that aha moment.
I want to understand this in a way that it changes me. And what I offered to him, and I think this is really important for us all to remember, is this is something that doesn't happen in an instant. Our perception can change in an instant.
The way we see something can change in an instant. But in order to practice it in our lives, we have to literally practice it in our lives. We can't just expect knowledge to change us.
It's applied knowledge that changes us. And when we apply knowledge, it has to be in a way that is repetitive and practiced, so it becomes our new way of being. So if we're used to being in conflict with someone all the time, because we're constantly on edge thinking that we don't have their approval, and thinking that they don't love us, and thinking that we're not good enough every time we're around them, to change that, to know that we have the power to change that, and then to apply it will usually take some time and some practice.
And it was funny when I told him that, he's like, Oh my gosh, that in and of itself is an aha moment for me. Just understanding that this is a practice, this is something that I don't necessarily get and then get over, but it's something that I practice in my relationship with my dad. And so I think that's important for us all to remember in all of our relationships, it's not like, okay, I get the concept of the manual, or I get the concept that my mind creates my feelings.
Okay, now I should be all better. Now this shouldn't be a problem. It's an ongoing practice, it's an art.
It's something that we will continuously do in our lives and remind ourselves about in our lives. So noticing, oh, I want this person's approval. The reason I want their approval is because I want to be at peace in this relationship.
The good news is, is I don't need their approval because I don't know if I will get it. I don't know that I don't already have it is a much more interesting thing to explore. And I'm giving it so much meaning of what it will mean if someone approves of me.
And that's kind of an interesting kind of side note to think about. What does it mean to have someone's approval? And how will you know if you have it?
Right? How will you know if you have someone's approval? Will they say, I approve of you?
Or will they say, I'm proud of you? And if they don't say it, does it mean that you don't have it? I would be very curious to know if someone says to you, I don't approve of what you're doing, does it mean they don't approve of you?
And are you making that distinction? And what are you making it mean? You know, it's really important to know what are you making it mean when someone says that to you.
So the way that we hurt our own feelings is by telling ourselves things that are painful about other people, by telling ourselves things that are painful about ourselves, and by taking what other people say and either believing it in a way that's painful or making it mean something that's incredibly painful. Here's the thing, people are allowed to say what they will to us. They're allowed to say they don't approve of us.
At that point, then we are either going to hurt our own feelings with that information or not. So if someone says they don't approve of me, I'm okay with them saying it. I'm okay with them having that opinion.
I get that I'm not for everybody and that's totally fine. But I'm not going to use that against myself. I'm not going to hurt my own feelings with that information.
Do you guys see the difference? I mean, it's so big. And in our deepest relationships, it's so important if someone says they don't approve of us.
They don't like what we're doing. We can take that on and make it mean that we're not worthy. Or we can take it for what it is and say, oh, they're not approving of some action that I took, right?
And the other piece of it is if when we believe something that hurts our own feelings, and when we practice believing something that hurts our own feelings, we perpetuate our negative emotion, which of course perpetuates negative action in the world, which will give us evidence that all of those things are true, right? Because what happened and what was so interesting with this young man is his father didn't approve of the way he was behaving, and that would trigger some thoughts in his head and create a lot of negative emotion. And then he would act disrespectful to his father.
He would act in a way that he wasn't proud of towards his father, which of course gave him much more evidence to quote unquote not approve of him. And the truth is not everyone's going to approve of us all the time. And that's okay.
It's totally okay for people not to approve of us. But nobody has the power to hurt your feelings. And the good news is we do enough of it for ourselves that it's really good that no one else can do it for us.
So anytime you are in pain in any relationship, remind yourself that person did not have the power to hurt your feelings. You took what you believed and hurt your own feelings with it. And the last thing I'm going to say about this, and this is, I think, one of the most important pieces here, is that it doesn't mean that you don't want your feelings to be hurt sometimes.
You have to take responsibility for it. You have to take credit for it. But it doesn't mean that you should always just be happy every time someone does something, right?
It's if somebody says something mean to you, if somebody says something out of anger towards you, you can say, Oh, that person was angry and you can blow it off. Or you can say, No, I'm going to take that and I'm going to be in pain over it. On purpose, because that's how I want to feel in this relationship.
And own that you did that and, you know, talk to the person about it, but also own that you're responsible. Don't give that power away to someone else and say that they hurt your feelings because they don't have that power. And I will tell you what, in your relationships and in your, especially your relationship with yourself, if you are able to identify all of the times that you hurt your own feelings, you will be able to change your life in such a drastic way, especially if you're feeling hurt and victimized a lot of the time, because you will start owning your power in a way that you may not have done it before.
And you may decide that you don't want to hurt your own feelings anymore, that you're tired of thinking thoughts that cause you pain, and that other people are allowed to do what they do, and you get to decide what it means to you in your life, if someone's mean, if someone's rude, if someone doesn't approve of you. You can make it mean something about you, or you can make it mean something about them. But anytime your feelings are hurt, you need to own it, because you are the one that is hurting your own feelings.
You're the one that's making you mad. You're the one that's making you sad by the way you're thinking about the external circumstances in your life. So notice that and then decide, do you want to keep doing that on purpose?
I'd love to know how you hurt your own feelings in the comments. So come on over to thelifecoachschool.com/37 and let's talk about it. All right, everybody, talk to you next week.
Bye-bye.
Thank you for listening to The Life Coach School Podcast. It would be incredibly awesome if you would take a moment to write a quick review on iTunes. For any questions, comments, or coaching issues you would like to hear on the show, please visit us at www.thelifecoachschool.com.
