You are listening to The Life Coach School Podcast with Brooke Castillo, episode number 42.
welcome to The Life Coach School Podcast, where it's all about real clients, real problems, and real coaching. And now, your host, Master Coach Instructor, Brooke Castillo.
Hey, everyone, what's happening? welcome to a podcast on creating emotion. I love the title of this podcast because so many of us don't really think about being able to create an emotion, being able to manufacture an emotion.
And one of my students I was talking with was telling me that she wasn't feeling inspired. She wasn't feeling motivated. She wasn't feeling like she had the emotion that she needed in order to do the things she wanted to do.
And what she told me was, I don't want to manufacture an emotion. And I said, well, you don't have to manufacture an emotion, but isn't it amazing to know that you can? Right.
Isn't it great to know that if you need an emotion, if you know that excitement or motivation or inspiration would really help in getting something done, isn't it nice to know that you can create it? And you can also create adrenaline, and you can also create frustration, and you can also create energy. Whatever it is you want to create in your life, you can do it with your mind.
And so that's what I want to talk about in this episode. I want to talk about how to create emotion. I want to start by saying it's really important first and foremost when you're doing any kind of feeling work, any kind of emotional work, that you don't get caught up in the idea that we're always supposed to be happy, and that life is always supposed to be easy, and that everything's supposed to flow.
Because when we get into that idea, and when we feel entitled to have a life that is pure bliss all of the time, we get into a process of resisting emotion. And when we resist emotion, we don't fully experience our emotional life. And that means we don't fully experience our negative emotion, but we also don't fully experience our positive emotion.
So first and foremost, we need to create the skill within ourselves of how to feel our feelings. And I've talked about that a lot in this podcast, and how important it is to remember that all of our feelings are part of the deal. There is no feeling that you might experience that means that something's gone terribly wrong in your life if you're feeling this emotion.
And emotion just means that you're thinking a thought causing it. And your brain is going to think many, many, many thoughts throughout its life. If you can start adjusting to the idea that no thoughts are bad and no thoughts are good, thoughts just are.
They either create positive emotion or negative emotion. And the truth is sometimes we want to feel negative emotion. Sometimes we want to be in the place of negative emotion, quote unquote negative, because it creates the contrast of our life.
If we came to this planet and we only felt happy all of the time, we wouldn't even know what happy is. What makes happy awesome is sad. What makes excitement awesome is dull, right?
The contrast is what makes the emotion so great. So without negative emotion, we don't have positive emotion. Without emotion that's pleasant and feels good and drives positive action, we can't have any of that without the negative emotion that is its contrast.
So I've actually really spent a lot of time embracing negative emotion, embracing negative feelings. And this is what we talked about in our last episode, in episode 41, we really talked about that piece of acceptance and knowing that when we accept that half of our life is probably going to be a negative emotion, it frees us up so much to not resist it so much. And if you can, as the Dalai Lama says, say yes to everything that happens to you and say yes to every emotion that you create, you will be in a much more authoritative position to then create the emotion that you want.
Okay, so creating emotion does not work without full acceptance of all of the other emotions, because you can't create emotion from fear. And that's what a lot of us want to do. We want to create a positive emotion from our fear of feeling negative emotion.
It just doesn't work. You can't use your will to resist a negative emotion enough to make it feel positive. It's almost like if I'm feeling an emotion like, let's say, humiliation, and I'm pushing against feeling it and I'm resisting it, and I just think if I could resist it hard enough, then I would feel at peace.
Now, you can see how that doesn't make any logic sense. The more I resist something, the more tense I have to be, the more on guard I have to be, the more against I have to be. It's actually the opposite of peace.
So when I allow the feeling of humiliation, when I allow that feeling to come over me and enter my body and experience it as a vibration, and recognize it, then I don't have as hard of a time creating a new emotion because I'm already at peace with the emotion that I'm having. Okay? So first, we have to be aware of our emotions, right?
We have to know what we're feeling. We have to be connected. This is not as easy as it sounds.
Many of you do not know how to feel. You do not know how to be with an emotion. You know how to avoid.
You know how to resist. And you know how to react to an emotion. But actually, experiencing it is a different thing.
So let me give you the example of anger. If you are feeling angry, a lot of you will say, Oh, well, I know that I felt it because I stood up for myself and I yelled at the person. Or I know that I felt it because I, you know, spoke my mind.
That is more of a reaction to an emotion, right? That's when the emotion comes up. And instead of just experiencing it as a vibration in your body, you're acting out the emotion.
Okay, that's a little bit different. We call that the reaction piece. All right.
So there are things that you can do with an emotion. One of them is you can avoid it and ignore it. And the other thing is, is you can react to it and act it out.
And the next thing you can do is just experience it in your body without reacting and without resisting. That is a practice. That is something that, you know, my main teacher on that was Pema Chodron, and we talked about her.
I believe it was in episode 30. We talked about her and how powerful her work is in teaching us how to be with all emotions, without reacting, without resisting, right? Just being with it.
And that skill, and when we learn that skill, we really have the keys to the kingdom, in my opinion, because there's very little that we're afraid of. Someone can come up to us and say something, and the worst that can happen is an emotion we create. That's so powerful.
That's so much freedom to know that. Okay? So once you've really got that down, then you become the master of creating emotion, because you are really recognizing that the reason I'm feeling humiliation right now is because of what I'm thinking.
And I really recognize and feel the power of that, and I'm willing to be with that. And if that's true, then I can also believe something different and feel a different emotion. So one of the ways that you may want to do this is think about a goal that you have.
And this is a lot of the work that we do on the model, right? So if you picture the model in your mind and you picture the result line, what result is it that you want to create? So for some of you, it may be I want to increase my income.
Let's say you want to increase your income by $2,000 a month. Let's say for those of you who are entrepreneurs, that's a little bit easier than if you're employed. Maybe you want to change your job, maybe and increase it, okay?
However it is, or you want to do a side job, a side hustle. So let's imagine that you want to increase it by $2,000 a month. Now, that's the result you want.
What are you going to have to do in order to increase that income, right? You're going to have to maybe market yourself more. You're maybe going to have to ask more people to work with you.
You may be needing to do more sales, getting more clients, whatever that action is you need to take. Now, when you see that action, I want you to notice that it's really just math, right? If you want to make $2,000 more a month and you charge $500 an hour for clients, you're going to need to get four more clients.
If you charge half that, you're going to need to get eight more clients, right? If you charge half of that even, then you're going to have to get 16 clients, whatever the math is. So get 16 clients is your action.
Your result would be, I increase my income by 2,000. Now, that in and of itself is just math. And this is something I've been working with some of my clients with lately, is talking to them about, when you just do the math and you see what you need to do in order to get the result, there is no problem there, right?
Because you can just see, if I do this, this is the result I'll get. Everything else is just a feeling. And you either are going to create a feeling that drives you to take the action of getting 16 clients, or you're going to create a feeling that doesn't drive that action.
And that's all within your control. So if you think about, I need to get 16 clients a month, what am I going to need to feel in order to take that action? And you might say excited, you might say motivated, you might say confident.
You see the action that you have to take, what are the emotions that you're going to need to help drive that action? Now, do you need to have all of those emotions to do that? No, you can do it from a place of fear and aggravation and upset.
But I will tell you that when you're able to generate positive emotion, it's much easier to take action. And it also does not mean that other emotions aren't going to come along for the ride, because they most definitely will. And that's why step one is so important of really getting into the space where you are aware of what you're feeling and you're accepting what you're feeling, because then when those other emotions come along, they're not going to derail you.
Okay? So you know you want to feel confident and excited and motivated. Let's stick with one.
Let's just stick with confidence. Okay? I want to feel confident and therefore, I will go out and take the action that I need to take in order to get those 16 clients.
Now, what do I need to believe in order to create that confidence? Now, many of you want to pick one thought and expect that one thought to create ongoing confidence. And there's a challenge with that, and I'll tell you why.
Thoughts do create our emotions, right? And that's really important to remember. And if this is all sounding very confusing to you, I want to recommend that you go back to the beginning of the podcast and listen to all those episodes leading up, because we're getting into a little bit more complexity and taking it a little bit deeper, okay?
But for those of you who have been with me all along, this should be making really good sense to you. All right? So when you think a thought, I can do this and you really believe it, I can figure this out.
I know that I can take action until I get the result I want. I believe in myself. I know that I'm capable.
If they can do it, I know I can do it. I have the wisdom inside of me, I have the desire inside of me, and I know that there is a need for what I have to offer, and I'm willing to figure it out until I have those 16 clients. Now, if I believe all of those thoughts, I'm going to feel much more confident in myself.
I'm going to feel much more able to be able to take that action, and that confidence will propel me to take action. If I am living with the emotion of doubt, and I recognize the reason I feel doubtful is because I don't believe in myself, then I'm going to know that it's going to be much more challenging for me to take the action that I need to take because I'm in a place of doubt. Now, here's the important piece.
If you come up with just one thought that you want to rely on to bring you confidence, the challenge of that is you have to constantly be seeking evidence for it. So if I believe I am capable of getting 16 clients, I have what it takes to get 16 clients, I need that evidence to be there, to bolster that thinking, right? So what I do to bolster that with evidence is more thinking.
So I'll say, I've done it before in my other job, I've been able to get one client, I just need to repeat that process to get more. I know that what I have is valuable because of what I've been teaching and people have really been learning and responding well to it. I see other coaches who use the same types of materials doing very well in their businesses.
I'm capable of learning what I need to know and trying what I need to try in order to get what I want, right? So all of a sudden, we have what Abraham would call a rampage of thoughts that we can constantly be practicing and thinking that will help generate confidence for us. And if we're willing to practice thinking, confidence producing thoughts, we will consistently create our own confidence.
It really is as simple and as hard as that sounds. Right? So the first thing you must do is find thoughts that you truly believe.
You truly believe that you're capable. You truly believe that if you continue to take action, you can get that result. You truly believe that you have the intelligence to do what you need to do in order to get those clients.
You truly believe that you have what it takes to help those clients. All of those things, right? That you truly believe.
Don't jump to, I got this, it's not a problem, if you don't believe that, right? Make sure it's a rampage of thinking that you really do believe in, and then practice it and practice it and practice it. Think it, believe it, think it, believe it.
Think about your brain as a very malleable superhighway of neural pathways. And remember, the brain doesn't have a preference over what it thinks, unless it's really good at already thinking it. So if it's really good at creating feelings of doubt, what that means is it's very good at thinking thoughts that are doubtful thoughts.
And so when you come in with really powerful, I believe in myself thoughts, your brain is going to be confused and it's going to be like, that's awkward, that's new. I don't really believe that. I don't know if I can think that because I haven't practiced it.
And that's where the practice has to come in. You have to consistently choose to believe in a way, to think in a way that generates you confidence. And you need to not only practice thinking those thoughts, but consistently be seeking evidence for them.
Be looking for evidence in your life that you are capable and building that evidence. And even when you do something that doesn't work out in your business, that tempts you to believe a thought that will undermine your confidence, you have to be so aware of that because your goal is to be generating confidence. And you have to generate that.
You have to manufacture that in your brain. Here's a problem that a lot of you suffer with, right? And I want to spell it out for you because you see how hopeless it really is.
So, if you are waiting for inspiration, and you are waiting for something exciting, and you are waiting for something wonderful to happen in your life, you're going to be relying on the most powerful tool that can do that for you, the only tool that can do that for you, which is your mind. And you're waiting for it to provide that to you, and yet it is programmed to create doubt. So think about this, you're saying, I want to rely on the most powerful tool I have to create inspiration for me, but what I programmed it for is to create doubt.
So I'm just going to wait until the inspiration comes. I'm going to wait until I feel really motivated. I'm going to wait until I feel really inspired.
Right? I remember it was about, I think like five years ago now, I was waiting to be inspired by something, and I just kept waiting and waiting and waiting, and I was feeling the opposite of inspired, and I couldn't wait until my inspiration came. And what I realized is that, Oh, inspiration ain't coming.
It's not going to arrive in a specially wrapped package. There is no event in my life that is going to provide me with inspiration. Inspiration is something I have to work on.
It's something I have to create. Most people are not inspired and motivated and passionate in this world. And the reason that they're not is because of the way they think and the way that they choose to think.
And most people don't even know that those thoughts are choices and that unconsciously they're believing that they won't be able to achieve greatness. And so they give in to that thinking without realizing that it's a choice. Why not you?
Right? Why not you be the one that does the exceptional thing? Why not you be the one that makes the most money?
Why not you be the one that is the success story in losing weight? Why not you? Because the only reason it's not you is because you have some programming in your brain that's creating a different emotion than what you need in order to take the action you want.
So what would you need to be thinking, to be feeling in order to do what you want to do? And whose responsibility is that to create those thoughts and those feelings? That responsibility is you.
So if you want to feel discouraged, the best way to do that is to think lots of discouraging thoughts and think about all the things in your life that prove that you should be discouraged. And if you want to feel motivated, you have to tell your brain to focus on every thought and everything that will create that emotion for you. How can you create a positive emotion by thinking a lot of positive thoughts that you believe on purpose?
Now, if I tell you the most important, the most powerful, the most amazing tool you have is your brain, and you aren't willing to spend at least 10 solid minutes looking at it and accepting what it's doing, and creating new thoughts for it to think on purpose, then you can't possibly expect to create the life you want. And that is as simple as it gets. You have to feed your brain thoughts that will produce the feelings that you want.
You have to think deliberately and on purpose to create the feelings that you want. Those feelings are available to you. They are always available to you because your feelings are choices and you choose your feelings by the thoughts you're committed to believing.
So if you say to me, well, I'm just not feeling motivated today, I will say, why are you choosing not to feel motivated? And you may say, well, I just don't. And I'll say, it's because of what you're thinking.
Have you had a look at it? Have you chosen some deliberate thoughts? Have you been willing to change your attitude, which means change your feelings about your life?
If you're constantly looking at your life and constantly saying negative thoughts, that's creating negative emotion. The reason why you don't love your life, the reason why you aren't enjoying your life is because of the thought you're choosing. Okay?
So if you want to create excitement, the best way to do that is to create thoughts that you believe that produce excitement in you. Now, some of you will say that's so daunting. I can't even get my enough energy to write down those thoughts.
That's fine, but just own that. Know that the reason you don't feel better, the reason you don't take more action from a place of really positive emotion is because you don't want to do the work of creating that emotion for yourself. Now, the last part of this, what I want to share with you is that most of us know the emotions that we want to feel.
We want to feel approved. We want to feel appreciated. We want to feel loved.
We want to feel valued. And so what we do is we delegate the creation of those emotions to the people around us. We want our husbands to make us feel appreciated.
We want our bosses to make us feel appreciated. We want our children to make us feel appreciated. We delegate those jobs out to people that are notoriously very poor at producing emotion for us.
They don't follow our manuals. They don't do what we want them to do. And therefore, we don't feel those emotions that we want to feel.
And we attribute the lack of that emotion to those other people, which, of course, perpetuates this idea that we can't create that emotion for ourselves. So, if you want to feel loved and appreciated on your birthday, create love and appreciation on your birthday. Don't wait for someone else to behave in a certain way in order to feel that way.
Don't wait for them to take you to a wonderful place or buy you a wonderful gift or throw you a surprise party or whatever it is you would like them to do so you can feel that emotion. Now, I've been working with a client on this and talking to some other people about it. And one of the things that they will say is, I just don't want to have to do it all the time.
I want someone else to do it for me. And I always say, why? Of all the people in the world that could help you feel loved, you're the one.
You know exactly what you want. You know exactly what you need. You know exactly how to give it to yourself.
And yet you deny that feeling for yourself. You deny creating it for yourself and wait for someone else who typically has shown you that they're not going to do it in the way that you want them to do it, and you're going to feel disappointed. So we choose disappointment over love without even realizing that we're the one suffering because of it.
And then we get pissed because they don't follow our rules to create that emotion for us. Listen, it's not their job to create that emotion for us. It's not their job ever to make us feel loved or appreciated or wonderful.
And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with expecting people to do things for us. I'm just saying that when they consistently don't, we've set ourselves up to be really unhappy and to be really frustrated at them, which further puts us into a position of being more and more unhappy. Because when you're expressing and reacting to frustration and anger in your relationships, you decrease the connection that you're feeling with that person.
And when you show up and you are full of appreciation, not only for yourself but for the life you have and the people around you, that is a very attractive, wonderful place to be. And who better than you to create that for yourself? Wouldn't it be nice to know that you could feel appreciated all of the time?
You can. You get to create that emotion for yourself. And listen, I know you'd rather delegate it out.
I would rather someone be able to just deliver it to me, and, you know, a suitcase every morning, and I just unpack it, right? But that's not the way the world set up. But it doesn't mean that you can't create that emotion for yourself when you want it.
Does it take effort? Yes. Is that effort worth it?
Absolutely. The more time you practice creating emotion for yourself, the more you throw yourself all in to creating yourself, your emotional life, the less you have to focus on your life falling into place. One of the things that we like to do is rely on our life to be good so we can feel good.
And of course, the opposite has to be what happens. We have to rely on ourselves to feel good and then our life is good. Okay, so the steps to creating emotion.
First, recognize what you're feeling and why you're feeling it and own it. And the next is decide how you want to feel to create what you want. And then practice as many thoughts as possible as you believe that will generate that emotion for you.
The more you practice the thinking and generating the emotion, the better you will get at that skill. And you will be able to pick your emotions like picking food off of a menu. You'll be able to decide, I want to feel grateful today.
I want to feel gracious today. I want to feel kind today. I want to feel wonderful today.
And you have your go-to thoughts that you can pull out of the closet and think about, and you will generate that emotion for yourself. There is nothing I can think of that is more powerful than being able to generate the emotion that you want. It takes everything off the table.
You don't have to go make more money to feel a certain way. You don't have to meet the man of your dreams to feel a certain way. You don't have to change your husband to feel a certain way.
You don't have to be a certain way to feel a certain way. You can generate that feeling for yourself. And ironically, the things that you want, you'll be much more likely to go out and get when you're feeling the emotion that you most desire having because you will have gotten those things, right?
So you don't have to get them to feel that way, but you probably will if you start out feeling that way. So go to the comments and tell me what is the emotion that you want to feel in order to get what you want. And what are the thoughts that you believe and are willing to practice thinking over and over and over again and seek evidence for to build them stronger and stronger and stronger in order for you to feel the way to create the feeling that you want to create in order to get what you want.
Go to the comments. Let's share. Let's talk about this.
And I will share with you in the first comment, the thoughts that I think in order to generate confidence for myself in my business. And yes, even on this podcast as I'm talking to you. I hope you guys have an amazing week.
Make sure you come over to the lifecoachschool.com and check out our training coming up in March. If you've been on the fence about it, knock it off. Let's go.
Let's do this. I'll talk to you soon. Take care, everybody.
Bye bye.
Thank you for listening to The Life Coach School Podcast. It would be incredibly awesome if you would take a moment to write a quick review on iTunes. For any questions, comments, or coaching issues you would like to hear on the show, please visit us at www.thelifecoachschool.com.
