When Something Bad Happens

You may not choose the circumstance. You can choose how you meet it.

Something happens that you did not want. Someone is upset with you. A plan falls apart. A problem appears that you cannot immediately solve.

Your mind goes straight to what should have happened instead. Then it starts explaining why this is terrible, what it means about you, and how you need everyone else to change.

Before you solve the situation, notice the situation you are creating inside your mind. That is where you can begin to regain your ability to respond.

Separate what happened from what you make it mean

A person tells you they are upset. That is a circumstance. Your thought that you have failed them is an interpretation. Your thought that they should not be upset is another interpretation.

Those thoughts can create very different feelings. Feeling ashamed may lead you to apologize for a decision you still believe in. Feeling defensive may lead you to argue. Feeling compassionate may help you listen while remaining clear about your decision.

This is the relationship we teach in the Self Coaching Model: thoughts create feelings, feelings drive actions, and actions create results. Seeing that relationship gives you something useful to work with.

Let yourself acknowledge the emotion

You do not have to leap from anger to gratitude. Start by writing down what you are thinking without editing it into something that sounds enlightened.

Ask what is underneath the anger. Is there fear of losing someone? Fear of being misunderstood? A desire to control what another person does?

Understanding that fear can give you compassion for yourself. From there, you can decide what you want to say rather than letting the first wave of emotion write the conversation for you.

You can care about someone else's feelings without making yourself responsible for changing them. Compassion does not require abandoning your own values.

Stop arguing with the fact that it happened

There is a difference between addressing a problem and mentally insisting that it should not exist. One leads toward action. The other can keep you in resistance.

Imagine an account access problem that requires a call to customer service. Thinking that this should never happen to you may create indignation. You spend the conversation expressing how unacceptable it is instead of gathering the information you need.

Acknowledging that access is currently blocked does not mean you approve of the problem. It helps you ask useful questions, understand the next step, and follow through.

Acceptance begins with the present facts. It does not require giving up efforts to change what can be changed.

Choose who you want to be through this

Ask yourself how you want to feel as you respond. Determined? Open? Compassionate? Then ask what you would need to think to create that feeling in a way you actually believe.

A useful thought might be that you can handle the next conversation. Or that you do not have to know every answer before taking one helpful step.

These questions can bring you back to yourself:

• What am I thinking that is adding resistance?
• How do I want to show up?
• What can I learn or do from here?
• What response feels most like love?

Work with the part you can influence

You cannot always prevent disappointment, uncertainty, or another person's reaction. You can notice your thoughts, allow the feelings that are here, and choose your next action.

That is not a demand to enjoy a difficult experience. It is an invitation to stay present for it.

The circumstance may still require practical work. But you can approach that work with less resistance and more clarity. You get to decide who you want to be while you do it.