What You Can Control

When the world feels out of control, it is easy to forget what is still yours to decide.

You may spend your energy trying to control other people, the government, or what happens next. Then you feel powerless because those circumstances won’t comply.

But the circumstance line is only one part of the Self-Coaching Model. Your thoughts create your feelings, which drive your actions and produce your results. That is where your work is.

In Episode 314, I offered a practical way to reconnect with that power: organize one small area of your home, then organize your mind.

Worry while you work

Sometimes trying not to worry simply creates more struggle. You are worried, and now you’re upset that you’re worried.

Instead, I offered the idea of worrying while you work. Allow the emotion while doing something that produces a result you want.

For me, organizing and cleaning can create an immense sense of calm. I’m making decisions about an environment I can affect, rather than trying to make the entire world different.

Choose a small area. An office drawer, a sock drawer, or one section of the kitchen is enough. Don’t start by deciding you have to organize the whole house.

Pick something that takes no more than an hour, and schedule the time. During that time, let yourself feel the worry, anxiety, or fear while you organize.

Make a decision about each item

Take everything out of the area. Clean the empty space. Then decide what goes back.

Ask whether each item serves you, whether you really want it, and whether it is current or outdated.

You may discover things you forgot you owned or things you didn’t know you had lost. Seeing everything gives you the opportunity to choose rather than leaving it all stuffed in the back.

I have a small closet in my office where I keep books. I buy and read many books, so I need to decide which ones to donate and which ones I want to keep for rereading or reference.

Picking them up, making those decisions, and creating an orderly space gives me a sense of calm. I can let my brain buzz with its worries while putting that energy into the physical activity.

There is something powerful about letting go of what no longer serves you and creating order where there wasn’t order before.

Use the same process with your thoughts

Your brain has repetitive thoughts that serve you. You don’t need to deliberately organize the thinking involved in every step you take.

But some repeated thoughts don’t serve you. They sit in the background, creating unwanted emotion while you barely notice them.

Think of those thoughts as what is stuffed at the back of the closet. You need to bring them into view before you can decide what to do with them.

A thought download does that. Put the thoughts on paper so you can look at them outside your mind.

Then ask the same questions: does this thought serve me? Do I really want it? Is it current or outdated?

You are making decisions about the sentences you think, rather than automatically keeping them because they have been there a long time.

Examine the thought, not the circumstance

Be careful about what you are asking those questions of.

If your husband yells about the children staying up late and you think he is rude and dismissive, the thought you examine is your judgment that he is rude and dismissive.

You aren’t asking whether his behavior serves you as though changing it were the exercise. You are asking whether you want to keep thinking that particular sentence.

Separate circumstances from thoughts in your download. Recognize the facts without trying to do thought work on them.

Then look at the meaning you have added. That meaning creates how you feel and affects what you do next.

Don’t leave self-attack running in the background

I coached a woman whose husband and she had both been laid off. She was thinking that she was stupid, wasn’t good enough, and would never be hired.

I asked her to clean up that thinking aggressively.

You wouldn’t let overflowing garbage spread through the kitchen and simply pretend it wasn’t there. Treat the berating, self-loathing thoughts in your mind with that same attention.

Notice what you are telling yourself. Don’t automatically keep believing it because it feels familiar.

If looking at your thoughts feels especially hard, start with the drawer. Experience the relief of making decisions and creating order in one small space. Then return to the thought download.

Small decisions can restore a sense of power

Our power is in our ability to make decisions. During chaos, we forget that because we can’t decide how every circumstance will turn out.

You may not be able to decide what happens in the stock market or what another person does. But you can decide what to keep in a drawer. You can decide which thoughts you consciously practice.

Those small decisions help you recognize that you aren’t powerless in every part of your life.

You are doing something with your immediate environment and the environment in your mind.

As you practice, notice the contrast between spending energy on what you can’t control and making choices about what you can.

Keep what serves the life you want

Look at your home. Can you find things? Do you know what you have? Are there hidden corners full of things you no longer use?

Ask what belongs there because you want it and like your reason. Keeping an object doesn’t make it a person or prove your love for someone. You can decide what serves you and your family now.

Apply that same care to your mind. Bring the hidden thoughts into view. Decide which ones you want to keep.

You don’t need to wait until you feel completely calm to begin. Pick one area, allow the emotion, and make the decisions.

Then sit down with your thoughts and do the same. There are things you can’t control and things you can. Give your attention to the choices that are yours.