What to Do About Your Mother

You go home as an adult, and suddenly you feel ten years old again.

You react to your mother in familiar ways. You get frustrated, say things you don’t like, and leave wondering why this relationship brings out a version of you that you don’t want to be.

I used to do this. I would revert to the relationship I had as a child instead of establishing a relationship with my mother as an adult.

For many of us, improving this relationship requires a reset. The good news is that you can do your part of that reset without asking your mother to change.

Write down the mother you think you should have

Start with a list of everything you think your mother should be and do.

How often should she call or visit? How should she speak to you, your children, or your husband? What should she do on holidays? What would you really love?

Don’t hold back. If something she does annoys you, write what you want her to do instead. Then ask why you want each thing.

This list is your manual: the operating instructions you want her to follow so you can feel good in the relationship.

Putting it on paper lets you see the expectations you may have been carrying for years.

Notice the comparison that creates disappointment

Now compare the manual with your actual mother.

You may think the manual is reasonable. You may point out that other mothers behave that way or that you do those things as a mother yourself.

But if the manual doesn’t match who your mother is, continuing to compare her with it keeps you wanting her to be someone else.

You create the expectations, experience the discrepancy, and then blame her for the pain.

The work is seeing that process. There is your mother as she is, and there is the version you keep comparing her with.

Letting go of the manual creates room to meet the person who is actually there.

Understand her Model instead of demanding yours

Ask why she might say or do what she does. What might she be thinking? How might her experiences and upbringing have shaped those thoughts?

You don’t have to agree with her to be curious about her.

When you compare her behavior with your manual, you may create resentment. When you try to understand her mind, compassion becomes more available.

Her reasons are hers. You can let her own them rather than taking responsibility for changing them.

Also notice whether you are judging her for judging you. Understanding her helps you see your own thinking more clearly, too.

Separate what she does from what you think

Your mother’s words and actions belong in the circumstance line. Your thoughts about them create your feelings.

Write the facts separately from your judgments. What did she actually say? What are you making that mean?

You may believe she doesn’t support you or isn’t proud of you because she doesn’t show it the way you want. When asked, she might say she does support you. Your interpretation still determines your experience.

If you want a different feeling about the relationship, the work is in your thoughts, rather than waiting until she becomes the mother in your manual.

Thoughts create feelings, feelings drive actions, and actions create results. Changing your thinking helps you behave in a way you actually like when you are with her.

A boundary describes what you will do

Allowing your mother to be who she is doesn’t mean you have to say yes to everything.

You can decide what you are willing to experience and how you will respond.

If you don’t want to be yelled at on the phone, you can tell her you will end the call if that happens. If you don’t want visits on Sundays, you can be clear that you won’t let her in for those visits.

The boundary is about your action. It isn’t a threat designed to force her to behave according to your manual.

She gets to choose what she does. You get to choose your response.

She may be upset about the boundary. Allow her to have that feeling without requiring approval as evidence that you made the right decision.

You can love her and say no

Unconditional love means love without conditions. Your mother doesn’t have to follow your manual before you can feel love for her.

When you take responsibility for your feelings, you can stop people-pleasing, pretending, and lying about what you want.

You can love her and not go over. You can love her and not want her to come over. You can tell the truth and let her be disappointed.

That is different from yelling or blaming and calling it power. Power is being able to tell the truth, let another person be who they are, and own your emotional life.

From love, you can communicate and make decisions. You don’t have to use anger as the reason you are allowed to have a boundary.

Stop handing her responsibility for your adult life

Blaming your mother for who you are now can leave you feeling powerless. You make her past behavior the reason you can’t change your present experience.

Notice where you are doing that.

Taking responsibility for your thoughts and feelings gives you something you can work on now. You aren’t waiting for her to redo the past or become different.

This can be courageous work, especially when resentment has been practiced for a long time. But it gives you access to a different relationship with yourself and with her.

Let the relationship become genuine

You don’t need to announce a project in which both of you must change. This is your work on your relationship with her.

Write the manual. Notice the disappointment created by comparing it with reality. Understand her as a human. Separate the facts from your thoughts.

Then decide how you want to communicate and what boundaries you want to honor, from a place of love.

Your mother is fallible. She makes mistakes. So do you. You can stop requiring either of you to be the idealized version before allowing a genuine relationship.

It only takes one of you to change your side of the relationship. Be who you are, let her be who she is, and practice loving without making compliance the condition.