What Should I Tolerate?

Taking responsibility for your feelings does not mean saying yes to everything.

If your thoughts create your feelings, does that mean you should stay in every situation and just think differently about it?

No. Managing your mind does not remove your right to choose your relationships, your work, or the way you spend your time.

You can take responsibility for your own emotions and decide that a situation is not one you want to continue. Those two things belong together.

You can choose without proving someone is wrong

Many people believe they need a sufficiently terrible event before they are allowed to leave a relationship. They start building a case, looking for evidence that the other person deserves the blame.

But you do not have to destroy your view of someone in order to choose a different life. Wanting to leave is something you are allowed to consider.

In this episode, a listener asks about her husband's flirtation with another woman. The coaching does not give her a universal rule about staying or leaving. It brings the decision back to her: given what she knows, what does she want to do?

That question cannot be answered by everyone else's opinion of what a marriage should look like. It requires her own honest decision.

A request is different from control

You can ask someone to change their behavior. You can explain what matters to you. You can have a direct conversation and gather information.

What you cannot do is guarantee their agreement or make your entire plan depend on their becoming a different person.

Notice a thought like, I want to stay, but only if they change. That may describe a preference. It does not yet tell you what you will do if they continue behaving as they have.

Ask yourself what you want to choose with the information available now. This helps you move from monitoring another person's choices to taking responsibility for your own.

Emotional responsibility expands your options

In the Self Coaching Model, a circumstance is different from your thoughts about it. Your thoughts create feelings, which drive actions and results.

If you think you have no choice, you may feel trapped and act as though every option belongs to someone else. If you recognize that you can decide how to respond, you may be able to consider your options more clearly.

This does not excuse another person's behavior. It helps you see where your own decisions are available.

Working on your thoughts does not mean you must stay. It also does not mean you must leave. The point is to make a choice you can stand behind rather than waiting for someone else to make it for you.

A boundary describes what you will do

A boundary is not simply an instruction that another person stop doing something. It includes an action you will take to care for yourself.

For example, imagine someone raises their voice during a conversation. You can tell them that if the yelling continues, you will pause the conversation and return when you are both ready to speak calmly.

Then follow through on your own action. The boundary works through your participation, not through your ability to force a particular response.

Choose actions that are practical and safe for the situation. The important distinction is between asking someone else to behave differently and deciding how you will participate.

You cannot manage everyone's reaction

At work, you may care about your boss and your colleagues. You may want everyone to remain happy, keep their jobs, and avoid conflict.

But you cannot control all of their choices. You can communicate, model boundaries, and decide what you are willing to continue doing.

Every option may have consequences. Avoiding a boundary also has consequences. Consider both honestly.

Ask what you want, what is within your control, and what action you are willing to take. Taking responsibility for your feelings is not unlimited tolerance. It is a way to make your choices more consciously.