Want Match

You can ask your partner to do everything you want. But if they do it because they feel obligated, have you created the connection you were looking for?

Maybe you want romantic dinners three nights a week. Your partner finds those dinners torturous. You insist because you want to feel connected. They comply because they don’t want you to be upset.

Now you’re having the dinner, but they’re doing something they don’t want to do. That obligation can create the very disconnect you were trying to solve.

I call the alternative a want match: what you want and what the other person genuinely wants fit together. Understanding your want matches can help you ask honestly, stop trying to control people, and create a much fuller life.

Your partner isn’t responsible for your emotional life

My philosophy of relationships is that two people come together to enhance lives they are already responsible for. Each person is responsible for their thoughts, feelings, and needs. Together, they create something even better.

That’s different from believing something is missing in you and finding a relationship to fill the deficit. When you expect another person to make you happy, you start needing them to behave in particular ways.

Love is a feeling you create with your thoughts. If Chris feels love for me, he is the one experiencing that feeling. If he tells me he loves me and I think about how wonderful that is, my thought creates my experience of love.

His feeling doesn’t transfer into my body. My thoughts about him—and about what he thinks of me—create my feelings.

You are already 100 percent lovable. Someone else’s ability to love you doesn’t determine your worth. When you understand this, you can let your partner be who they are instead of trying to arrange their behavior so you can feel loved.

What makes a want match?

There are two ways you can have a want match.

The first is that you both naturally want the same thing. You want to travel, and your partner loves traveling. What you want and what they want line up.

The second is that the other person happily wants to do something because you asked. It may not be something they would do on their own, but they genuinely want to do it for you.

For example, I don’t always respond immediately to texts. Someone might ask me to acknowledge their message so they know I received it. That isn’t something I naturally do, but I’m happy to do it when they ask. I don’t feel resentful or obligated. That is also a want match.

The third possibility is that you want something they don’t want to do. That isn’t a match. Getting them to do it begrudgingly doesn’t turn it into one.

When both people start doing things out of obligation, the relationship can fill with frustration, duty, and resentment. In the Model, those feelings drive the actions. You may be doing the requested thing, but the emotion you bring to it matters.

Make an honest list of what you want

Start by listing what you want in your relationship. Be specific. Think about physical affection, sex, travel, deep conversations, date nights, planning trips, or birthday surprises.

Then compare those wants with what your partner actually loves to do. Where do you naturally match? Where would they happily do something because you asked? Where do they genuinely not want to do it?

Ask whether they would want to do it, rather than only whether they would do it. Those are different questions. Listen honestly to the answer.

I’m not suggesting you stop asking for what you want. Tell the person what matters to you. Ask for the birthday surprise. Ask for the time together. But don’t make your emotional life depend on their compliance.

If you’re dating, have these conversations before making a commitment. Be honest about what you want to give, too. Doing something enthusiastically at the beginning that you will eventually resent doesn’t help either of you understand the relationship you’re choosing.

One person doesn’t have to meet every desire for connection

We want to connect with other humans. We may want someone to laugh with, someone to exercise with, someone to travel with, and someone to challenge us intellectually.

Putting every one of those desires on one romantic partner places a tremendous burden on the relationship.

Chris wants to do rugged competitions involving mud. I have no interest in doing those. He can share that experience with his buddies without forcing me to participate.

If I want an intellectual conversation about mental health, I can find a friend, mentor, or teacher who loves that conversation. I don’t have to resent my husband for not wanting the same thing.

The goal isn’t to become your own mate and your own tribe. It’s to consciously create relationships with people who want the connections you want.

You still honor the commitments you have made. Monogamy, for example, is an important want match in a committed monogamous relationship. Finding other ways to meet desires doesn’t mean breaking that promise. You can explore the underlying want and how to meet it while keeping your commitments.

Ask why you want it

Knowing what you want is only part of the work. Ask yourself why you want it. Do you like your reason?

A desire coming from abundance or growth is different from wanting someone to behave a certain way to compensate for your insecurity. If you haven’t worked on your insecurity, their behavior won’t solve it.

When I first met Chris, I had to work on wants that came from my fears. Those fears had nothing to do with him. No matter what he did, he couldn’t do that work for me.

Write down what you want, including what you already have and what you don’t have yet. Let yourself discover how those wants change as your life changes. Then look for people who genuinely want to share those experiences.

You get to choose

You can stay in a relationship because you want to. You can leave because you want to. You don’t have to make the other person wrong, create a fight, or prove the relationship is horrible to have that agency.

Choosing someone who is easy for you to love can be wonderful. Just recognize that your thoughts are creating the love you feel.

Honor your wants. Ask honestly. Let the other person answer honestly. Then find your want matches, so connection comes from what you both genuinely want to give.