Unconscious Negativity

Notice the judgments you overlook while focusing on everyone else’s.

Some of the most negative people I coach don't come to me for help with their negativity. They come to me for help with all the negative people in their lives.

That's what makes unconscious negativity so interesting. You can be so focused on everyone else's thinking that you don't notice your own.

I'm not talking about your essence or who you truly are. I'm talking about the thoughts your brain offers you, the patterns you've practiced, and the way you interpret the world.

You may not look like a grumpy person who complains that nothing ever works. Your negativity may show up as being angry about someone else's anger, offended by someone's behavior, or convinced that everyone else should be doing life differently.

Look at what you're complaining about

Do you complain about negative people? Does their negativity really bother you? Do you get mad at people for being unkind? Do you think they should be better than they are?

Those are places to look for your own negative thinking.

I notice it in myself when I think everyone should be an entrepreneur. My brain wants to ask why someone wouldn't want that. But not everyone has that desire, and not everyone wants the life I want.

I also see this with students who have done a lot of coaching work. They begin to think they're more evolved than other people. They believe they understand something everyone else doesn't.

Being positive about yourself by making someone else less than you is still negativity. It's worth noticing the comparison underneath it.

Separate people from your thoughts about them

When someone tells me another person is toxic, I want to look at what they're thinking around that person.

It may be easier to manage your mind around some people than others. But labeling someone toxic gives them credit for the experience you're creating with your thoughts.

Think about hot weather. I love it. Someone else may have a hard time in it. Their difficulty doesn't mean the weather itself is toxic. It means they're having a different experience of it.

I've been in relationships that weren't healthy for me. What I've learned is to examine how I was showing up in those relationships and the choices I was making. When I imagine entering some of those same relationships now, I imagine a different experience because I would be different.

That is why I want you to separate what someone actually says or does from your interpretation. The interpretation is where you can do your work.

Your brain will look for proof

You can decide not to like someone. But notice what happens after you make that decision.

If your main thought is “I don't like her,” your brain starts looking for evidence that she's unlikable. You interpret what she says through that lens, and each interpretation becomes more proof.

I use a hypothetical mother-in-law example for this. Imagine deciding you don't like her. She makes a comment, and you think it's rude. If your best friend made the exact same comment, you might think it was hilarious.

The words haven't changed. Your interpretation has.

That's how a simple dislike can become a negative spiral. You believe you're merely observing the person when you're actually confirming a thought you've already chosen.

Ask yourself: if someone I loved did this, would I respond the same way? How would I interpret it if I thought this person was funny, delightful, or charming?

Notice the little complaints

A long line. A wait at a restaurant. Something your child does. Your brain can begin complaining before you've even noticed it.

I have watched this in myself. My husband was much more likely to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. A wait at a restaurant could simply mean time to sit and talk. My brain wanted to go straight to what was wrong.

If I wasn't paying attention, I would think the wait was making me upset. Really, I wasn't monitoring or managing my thinking about it.

Your thoughts create your feelings. This applies to how you see your day, your neighborhood, your house, other people, and yourself.

Once you begin looking, you may notice more complaints than you expected. That awareness gives you a choice you didn't have when the pattern was running unnoticed.

You can speak up without trying to control someone

This doesn't mean you never express an opinion. You can tell someone you disagree. You can explain how you're interpreting what they said.

The question is the place you're speaking from. Are you expressing yourself with love, or are you trying to make another human behave differently so you can feel better?

When you think someone should be kinder, less offensive, or more appropriate, notice the resistance and blame that follow. Letting them be who they are doesn't prevent you from choosing what you think, feel, and say.

You can offer your opinion without making it your job to manage their mind.

Don't become negative about being negative

One client began noticing her negative thinking and immediately started attacking herself for it. Now she was judging herself for judging other people.

That just compounds the pattern. Please don't use awareness as another reason to be unkind to yourself.

Start by noticing, without judgment. How often do you complain? How often do you think people are wrong, bad, or doing life incorrectly? What feeling does that thinking create?

You don't have to change all your opinions about right and wrong. You can simply decide whether you want to keep thinking in a way that feels so negative to you.

The first step is seeing the pattern. Then you can choose.