The Manual

What changes when other people no longer have to follow your rules?

By Brooke Hicks · The Life Coach School

You probably have an instruction manual for someone in your life. You may never have written it down, but you know exactly when they’re breaking the rules.

They should call more often. They should know what you need. They should be more romantic, more thoughtful, or more interested.

And when they don’t comply, you decide what that means about you and the relationship.

What I mean by a manual

A manual is a set of instructions we have for another person’s behavior, with our emotional well-being attached to whether they follow it.

Sometimes the other person has no idea these instructions exist. We expect them to know anyway. Sometimes we explain the rules repeatedly and become increasingly frustrated that they won’t follow them.

The underlying belief is that we could feel better if they would just change.

But thoughts create feelings. When someone follows your manual, you might think they care about you and feel loved. When they don’t, you might think you don’t matter and feel hurt. Your interpretation is doing important work in that experience.

Requests are allowed

Letting go of a manual doesn’t mean you stop communicating what you want. You can ask a friend to call, ask a partner to help, or set clear expectations at work.

The distinction is what happens when the answer is no or the person doesn’t follow through.

Do you decide they have made you miserable? Do you keep trying to manipulate them into behaving differently? Or do you take responsibility for your thinking and decide what you will do?

Work responsibilities and parenting expectations can still have consequences. You can make a practical decision without making another person responsible for your entire emotional life.

Get interested in their perspective

When you are focused on your manual, it is easy to miss what is happening for the other person.

Imagine wanting a friend to call every week. You interpret the lack of calls as proof that you aren’t important. But that conclusion may tell you more about your rules for friendship than about the person’s feelings.

You can ask what is going on. You can listen. You can also recognize that someone’s preferences or habits may be different from yours.

Understanding them gives you more information than repeatedly insisting they should be different.

Decide what belongs to you

Releasing your manual does not require staying in every relationship. You can consider compatibility, values, and how you want to spend your time.

The useful shift is to base your decision on what you can choose, rather than on a plan to control someone else.

Thoughts create feelings, feelings drive actions, and actions create results. Notice whether your current thinking leads to honest conversation and clear decisions, or to resentment and repeated arguments.

Write down three rules

Choose one person and list three things you want them to do. For each one, write why you want it and how you believe you would feel if they did it.

Then identify the thought you would have about yourself or the relationship. That is the thought you’re waiting for them to make easier.

Consider whether you can make a clear request while taking responsibility for your own response. What would you choose if you stopped trying to make them follow your manual?

You may find that less control leaves more room for connection. You can see the actual person more clearly and decide how you want to show up.