Self-Sabotage

Understand the short-term relief behind the actions that interrupt your goals.

Self-sabotage belongs in the action line of your Model.

That is the first shift I want you to make. It isn't a circumstance happening to you, even when it feels automatic. It's a way you respond to emotion.

You set a goal. Then you procrastinate, buffer, don't show up, or quit. In the short term, you get relief from discomfort. In the long term, you interfere with the very result you wanted.

Understanding that pattern gives you a place to work. Instead of telling yourself you're mysteriously broken, you can look at the thought and feeling driving the action.

Recognize the four ways you interfere with your goals

Procrastination puts off the activities that would move you forward. You may be afraid of failing or frustrated that the result isn't coming quickly.

Buffering sends you toward immediate pleasure instead. Overeating, overdrinking, scrolling, shopping, or watching Netflix takes the place of the work you planned.

Not showing up was a pattern I knew well when I was younger. I would make appointments or plans with friends and simply not go. Sometimes I wouldn't even call. I wasn't showing up for them or for my own life.

Then there's quitting. When something isn't happening fast enough, we stop. But quitting certainly won't make it happen faster.

These actions can become habits. Each time you repeat them, you may use the result as proof that you aren't capable, aren't worthy, or can't follow through. That belief then drives another round.

Look for the pattern before you stop setting goals

Some people tell me they don't sabotage themselves, but when I ask about their goals, they don't have any.

They've become so accustomed to disappointing themselves that they avoid the possibility by not planning a future at all.

Another sign is a lack of awareness. If you keep saying you don't know why you do something, you may not be looking closely enough at the thoughts, feelings, and actions leading up to it.

A third sign is being focused on the past. You use previous accomplishments or failures to explain why you can't move forward now.

You can set a bigger goal, but the old thoughts won't disappear simply because you've set it. You need to see how they're operating and decide how you'll respond.

Find the thought beneath the action

Put the specific self-sabotaging behavior in the action line. What feeling was driving it? What thought created that feeling?

You might discover a belief that you aren't smart enough, aren't capable, or don't deserve the result. That thought creates doubt or frustration, and you try to escape the feeling by interfering with your progress.

Then the interference produces a result that seems to confirm the thought.

Thoughts create feelings, which drive actions and results. When you can see the whole Model, you can begin to unravel it rather than treating the action as an unexplained event.

Pay attention to what happens before you buffer. Plan for the urge. Plan for the emotion. Decide how you'll help yourself experience it without abandoning your goal.

Discomfort doesn't mean something has gone wrong

We need to learn how to process emotion, including the uncomfortable half of life.

If you believe you should always be comfortable, you'll keep looking for reasons to escape. You may tell yourself you deserve a break when what's really happening is that you're avoiding the feeling of doing the work.

I'm not talking about genuinely needing rest. I'm talking about the self-pity that persuades you not to do something you planned for yourself.

Accepting negative emotion makes it less of a problem. When I stop arguing that it shouldn't be there, I can process it. I don't need to add buffering and self-sabotage on top of it.

Procrastination doesn't eliminate discomfort. It hands it to your future self. Now you have the original task, the delay, and your thoughts about having delayed.

You can feel discomfort now and move through it, instead of extending it and then feeling it again later.

Notice where control creates the opposite result

Self-sabotage can also happen when we try to control other people so we can feel better.

Imagine I want to feel more connected to my husband, and I decide he needs to bring me flowers. He comes home without them. I get angry. Now I'm less connected than I would have been if I'd simply walked up and loved him.

The rule I created to produce connection ended up producing disconnection.

Look at the conditions you're placing on the world. What do you insist must happen before you can feel the way you want? Is the insistence interfering with the result you're trying to create?

Become someone who's responsible for helping you

Most of my clients would never deliberately sabotage another person's goal. Yet they do it to themselves repeatedly.

I want you to approach yourself as someone you're responsible for helping. When you say you don't want to do the work, ask how you can help yourself get it done. When you don't feel like it, ask how you can help yourself through that feeling.

You don't have to wait until the discomfort is gone. You can do the thing while you're uncomfortable.

Imagine giving up procrastination, buffering, not showing up, and quitting. Imagine helping yourself keep moving, learning from what works and what doesn't.

Momentum builds momentum. The more you help yourself follow through, the more evidence you create of being someone who does.

When I decided I loved myself and deserved to create the results I wanted, I stopped using self-sabotage to prove my self-loathing. I began building momentum in the other direction.

You can begin that work too. Instead of asking why you always sabotage yourself, start asking: how can I help?