Self Image

You get to have an opinion of yourself that you love.

What do you want other people to think about you?

Not the answer you think you should give. The real answer. When someone sees you, what do you hope they notice? What do you want your boss, your mother, your friends, or your children to believe about who you are?

Many of us spend so much time managing other people's opinions that we have barely considered our own. We dress, choose, and live with an imagined audience in mind. Then we wonder why it is difficult to know what we like.

Your self-image is the way you think about yourself. It is your opinion of you. And that is an opinion you can choose.

Whose preferences are you living?

For a long time, I did not realize how much of my life was about trying to control what other people thought of me.

One day, I went to buy flowers for my apartment. No one else was going to see them. They were simply for me to enjoy.

I asked myself which flowers were my favorites, and I did not know. I was used to thinking about which flowers were impressive, which ones other people liked, and which ones someone might comment on.

Without that audience, I had to find my own preference.

I did a similar exercise with my body. If I lived alone on an island, and I were the only person who saw or experienced my body, what would I want for it? What would feel best? What would bother me, and why?

Those questions helped me access my opinion instead of automatically consulting everyone else's.

Write down your dream of being seen

I want you to start with what you wish other people thought about you. Imagine you could dictate their opinions. What would you choose?

Consider people who see you in public, and then the specific people whose opinions matter to you. Your boss. Your friends. Your parents. Your children.

Would they think you were capable, kind, talented, generous, beautiful, or strong? Let yourself give the best-case answer. Write it down.

Then ask why you want them to think those things.

For years, I wanted people to think I was thin. I believed thinness was the answer to everything. But even when someone thought I was thin, I did not believe them. I disagreed.

Their opinion did not solve the problem because I still had my own opinion of myself. That is why this exercise is about discovering the thoughts you want, rather than finding a way to make everyone else think them.

What accomplishment do you think would make you worthy?

Next, imagine you have achieved the thing you believe would prove your worthiness.

Maybe it is making one hundred thousand dollars in your coaching business, having three million dollars in retirement savings, selling your software company, or getting a book contract. Maybe it is getting into Harvard, writing a bestseller, or having the marriage and children you imagined.

What is the achievement that you think would mean you had arrived? How would you think about yourself if it were done?

Write those thoughts down, too.

Now you have a list of thoughts you would love to think about yourself. Some came from imagining other people's approval. Some came from imagining an accomplishment. Together, they show you an ideal self-image you would like to have.

Loving yourself does not put you above anyone

Sometimes my students feel uncomfortable doing this. They worry that having a high opinion of themselves means bragging, being full of themselves, or believing they are better than other people.

That is not what I am teaching.

You can believe you are worthy, lovable, and amazing while believing the same thing about someone else. Your worthiness does not come from being better than them. It comes from being you.

A positive self-image does not require putting anyone down. It asks you to stop putting yourself down. It does not require perfection or superiority. You are human, and so is everyone else.

I find that the more I love and honor myself, the more I have to contribute. My love for myself does not take love away from someone else. It makes loving other people easier.

Choose thoughts you can believe

You do not need other people's permission to think well of yourself. You also do not have to force yourself to believe a thought that feels completely inaccessible.

I think of trying on thoughts as going into a thought dressing room. See which ones fit. See which ones you can believe.

You might consider that you are a human, and humans are capable of amazing things. You might consider that you have big goals and are capable of achieving them. You might consider the possibility that your brain means well but has thought errors about you.

You can also spend time considering the design of your own body. Your brain, your eyes, your veins, your fingernails, the way your body grows and heals. It is extraordinary to think about what a human can do.

None of this requires waiting for a different outfit, a different weight, or a different accomplishment. You can begin with the person you are.

Your worthiness is not a decision

You are worthy and lovable by design, not by decision.

You can believe you are unworthy, but believing it does not make you less worthy. If your bank account had one hundred million dollars in it and you decided you were broke, your belief would not remove the money.

The same principle applies here. You do not get to make yourself unworthy by having a painful opinion of yourself.

You can recognize that opinion as a thought and choose what you want to practice instead.

Practice your opinion of you

Your brain will offer familiar negativity, doubt, and worry. You do not have to treat every thought it offers as an instruction. You can deliberately tell it what you want to think.

I choose to think I am funny even when my kids disagree. I say something and laugh. That is enough evidence for me. I choose to think well of myself as a friend and a mother without asking everyone to approve my opinion first.

When I believe positive things about myself, I show up in ways that prove them. When I believe negative things, I can prove those, too. The thoughts create feelings, which drive actions and results.

Try practicing a high opinion of yourself for a week. You do not have to announce it. You can do it privately and notice how you feel and how you show up.

You already know what you wish everyone would think about you. You do not have to wait for them to think it. You can begin thinking it yourself.