Model Mistakes

Small distinctions can make your self-coaching much more useful.

You can know the five lines of the Self Coaching Model and still struggle to use it. Often, the problem is a small distinction that changes what you are able to see.

A judgment slips into the circumstance line. An action belongs to a different feeling. You replace a thought before understanding it.

Learning to notice those mistakes makes the Model a more useful way to understand yourself.

Start with one thought, not the perfect thought

Write down what is on your mind for five to ten minutes. Let the page include negative thoughts, positive thoughts, and the thoughts you wish you were not having.

Then choose one thought. You do not have to find the most important thought before you begin. Put it in the thought line and work with it.

The Model follows five elements: circumstance, thought, feeling, action, and result. Thoughts create feelings, feelings drive actions, and actions create results. Your job is to see that sequence clearly.

Keep opinions out of the circumstance line

A circumstance is a fact you can verify. A description such as my mother is angry all the time includes an interpretation. Even if other people agree with you, agreement does not automatically turn that interpretation into a fact.

You might record the exact words your mother said as the circumstance. Then put your interpretation of those words in the thought line.

This is not an exercise in debating every detail. It is an exercise in separating what happened from what you are thinking about it.

Look especially for judgments and vague descriptors. Terrible, unfair, and impossible usually tell you something about your thinking, not just the event.

Answer the question in your thought line

If you write a question such as why does this always happen to me, ask yourself how you are answering it.

The answer reveals the thought. Perhaps you believe that nothing works out for you. That is a statement you can examine and connect to a feeling.

For the feeling line, use one emotion word. Ask how you feel when you think that specific thought. Keep the connection close rather than listing every emotion you have experienced that day.

Do not mix two different models

When you feel disappointed, what do you actually do? Do you withdraw, complain, or avoid a conversation?

Do not substitute what you would do if you felt hopeful. Having an open conversation to understand someone may belong to a different thought and feeling than the ones you are currently mapping.

Write the actions and inactions that this feeling drives. Then identify their effect. Keep the result focused on your own experience and participation rather than a result that depends on controlling someone else.

Look back at the original thought. Can you see how your behavior creates evidence that supports it? If the result seems unrelated, check whether you switched thoughts or feelings halfway through.

Understand before you replace

It can be tempting to uncover a negative thought and immediately find a positive replacement. But the first model deserves your attention.

Notice why you feel the way you do. Allow the emotion to be there. Recognize the connection between what you think and what you do.

You are not required to change every thought immediately. Understanding yourself is valuable work.

Use curiosity instead of self-criticism

Seeing your thinking clearly is not a reason to attack yourself. There is a reason your brain is offering these thoughts. Be willing to hear them.

Write your models down, especially while learning. Practice with happy experiences as well as difficult ones. Each model helps you become more familiar with your own mind.

The goal is not to produce a perfect worksheet. It is to build a relationship with yourself in which you can see, understand, and choose more consciously.