Say vs. Hear

What you feel like saying to yourself is not always what you need to hear.

When you make a mistake, you may want to express disappointment, frustration, or disgust. It can feel warranted.

But you are not only the person saying it. You are also the person receiving it.

That is the distinction I want you to notice. Your criticism lands in your own mind, creates feelings, and affects what you do next.

Imagine your best coach beside you

I noticed this while watching my son Christian play golf.

When he missed a putt, he would lower his head, put his hand on his forehead, and shake his head at himself. I could see the disappointment in how he held his body.

I also watched how that response affected the next part of his game. When he was playing well, his energy and physical response were different.

After a round, I asked him to imagine the best coach he could have standing next to him on the green. What would that coach say when he missed?

Would the coach shake his head and look disgusted?

Christian recognized that would not help. Missing the putt was already hard. Adding that response would make it harder.

Yet he was doing that to himself.

You are your own coach

When you are out there with yourself, you are coaching yourself.

You may feel like saying the shot was terrible, that something is wrong with you, or that you should get it together. That is the knee-jerk reaction.

But what happens when you hear it?

You may interpret it in a way that creates shame, insecurity, or inadequacy. Then those feelings influence your next action.

How you interpret a result becomes part of the next Model. It shapes your next thought, feeling, action, and result.

This is not limited to sports. It applies after a sales call, a mistake at work, or a difficult parenting moment.

Choose what would help in that moment

I asked Christian to consider deciding ahead of time what he would say to himself after missing a putt.

He described another golfer who seemed to respond with the same energy to every shot. A good or bad result did not dramatically change how that player carried himself.

Golf requires precise physical movement, focus, and judgment. Feeling tense, hesitant, or insecure can change how you show up.

So what communication would help you perform the next action?

Write down what you currently say after a mistake. Then write what you would like to say and hear instead.

For a coach who did not make a sale, the question is not only why the call failed. It is also what you need to hear now so you can learn and make the next call.

Your judgments of other people affect you, too

I saw this in myself on the pickleball court.

My partner was making mistakes, and I became tense and frustrated. The things I was saying about him inside my own head were affecting my game.

He was not necessarily hearing those thoughts. I was.

Imagine being in a room while one person speaks harshly to another. Even if the words are not directed at you, hearing them affects your experience.

That is what happens when you repeatedly judge someone in your own mind. You are present for the negativity.

Noticing this helped me understand the pull to vent or blame and the work required to redirect it.

Use the pause to act consciously

The urge to react may be familiar and strong. It is often the easiest path.

Becoming conscious and choosing a constructive response takes effort.

You can feel the initial reaction without acting it out. That is an opportunity to manage who you want to be.

Think about an employee making an expensive mistake. You may want to express all your frustration. But venting at someone who already knows they made a mistake is not necessarily useful or constructive.

You also have to experience yourself behaving that way.

A small moment on a court or at work can become practice for greater awareness in your life.

Know the kind of encouragement you need

Support does not have to mean indifference.

Christian does not necessarily want to hear that a missed shot is no big deal. He cares about the result.

Constructive coaching could acknowledge what happened, identify something to learn, and remind him that the next shot can be different.

For me, useful encouragement is not always permission to lie down and stop. It is more like recognizing that I can handle this and keep going.

I want kindness and support with an energy that helps me respond.

You need to discover what works for you. Even an intense celebration can be unhelpful if it leaves you overstimulated for the next task.

Make a list of what you want to hear

If it is difficult to identify the words, imagine what you would want from a parent, spouse, friend, or coach.

Would you want belief in you? Encouragement? A reminder of your worth? Help seeing what happened clearly?

You can give yourself that communication.

I regularly remind myself that I am worthy, that I do not have to be perfect, and that I can do meaningful things in the world. When I shared that with students, many said they would love to hear those messages from themselves.

If appreciation feels awkward, examine why. Do you believe you have to perform perfectly to deserve kindness? Do you worry that support will make you stop working?

I have found the opposite. When I support myself, I respond.

Write the things you want to hear and practice saying them, even when it feels unfamiliar. When the urge to criticize appears, look for a pause.

You are listening to yourself. Make sure the coaching you give is coaching that helps you become who you want to be.