Romantic Relationships

Why are you in a romantic relationship? Or why do you want to be in one?

It seems like a simple question until you stop answering with what people are supposed to want. What is the purpose for you personally?

Why romance rather than a platonic partnership or friendship? What about that experience matters to you?

In Episode 354, I began a conversation about desire, attraction, physical intimacy, and a new way I was exploring relationships. The starting point was understanding what I genuinely wanted.

A new relationship with myself came first

After my children left for college and Chris and I separated and divorced, I spent time alone. We had handled the change in our relationship with care and remained friends and coparents.

I spent a summer in Colorado with my dogs, reflecting on what I had created and what I wanted next.

For many years, part of my identity had been being a mother with children at home. When that changed, my relationship with myself and my sense of the future changed, too.

I thought of it as beginning the second half of my life. I wanted to appreciate my family and business while also asking what I wanted to create from here.

I wasn’t immediately looking for someone to date. Time with myself helped me listen before beginning a new romantic experience.

Knowing what I didn’t want helped me name what I did

Eventually, a friend encouraged me to try dating apps. I was nervous about being recognized, but I decided to explore it.

As I created a profile, I knew I didn’t want casual sex or one-night hookups. I also wasn’t looking to begin with a serious, long-term commitment.

I talked with friends and came up with the idea of a 90-day relationship.

I wanted a committed relationship for that period where we could explore how deeply we could connect and how much fun we could have. It was neither a single casual encounter nor a demand to decide immediately about forever.

Some men I discussed it with were interested in the idea even when we weren’t a match for one another. Then I met someone who wanted to explore it with me.

A container changed the way we approached connection

When you begin dating, you may constantly evaluate whether this person could be with you forever. That question can sit behind every conversation.

The 90-day container gave us a different focus. We had agreed on a period in which we could dive in and explore.

I am intense. I like deep conversations and understanding the details of someone’s life. I’m not particularly drawn to keeping everything casual.

This approach let us explore that depth without making the first question a permanent future together.

The experience accelerated our connection and helped me learn about myself in ways I hadn’t anticipated.

In the episode, I was introducing the idea and the conversations it inspired. I wasn’t presenting a complete course or a set of detailed rules. What mattered was the mutually agreeable space we created for exploration.

What makes a relationship romantic?

A commitment alone doesn’t necessarily mean a relationship feels romantic. People can be committed in a marriage while not describing their experience as romance.

For this conversation, I focused on attraction, desire, and physical intimacy. That could apply to different kinds of couples.

Ask what remains when you remove those things. Is it friendship? Partnership? A shared home or parenting relationship?

Then ask whether you want to bring desire and intimacy into that relationship. Do you want to create something new with the same person?

I was interested in Esther Perel’s idea of recreating a relationship with the same partner. For me at that time, a new romantic experience was with a different person. Other people may explore change within an existing relationship.

The answer depends on what you want. That is why the question of purpose matters.

Look at everything you expect one person to provide

We can expect a romantic partner to be a financial partner, friend, roommate, helper, coparent, companion, and source of security.

Sometimes we expect them to function as a therapist, too. That is a lot to place on one relationship.

When we focus on all those roles, we may lose sight of attraction, physical intimacy, and desire.

I have taught the concept of a want match: different people in your life can share different wants with you. One person doesn’t have to fulfill every one.

I was also considering the tension between security and desire that Esther Perel discusses. How do we share a home, parent children, and partner practically while remaining interested in the romantic connection?

These were questions I wanted to explore rather than assume the answers were already built into the relationship’s label.

Listen to your own desire

Until I did this work, I hadn’t realized how important it was to be in touch with my own attraction, desire, and physical intimacy at this stage of life.

The experience gave me new energy, ideas, and possibilities I hadn’t known to dream about.

Our thoughts create feelings, which drive actions and results. Paying attention to what you think about romance and what you want from it helps you make more conscious choices.

Separate your personal desires from the expectations you have absorbed. The two may be different.

You may be married, single, or in a relationship. In any case, you can ask what you want to experience rather than simply follow the form you think you are supposed to have.

Begin with your answer

What is the point of a romantic relationship for you? What makes desire, attraction, or intimacy important? What do you want to explore?

Your answer won’t necessarily match someone else’s. Knowing it helps you understand what you are choosing.

I found a new possibility by listening to myself and creating a way to explore it. I want you to consider what you may not yet have recognized as possible in your own life.

Start with the truth of what you want, and let that be the beginning of the conversation.