Overcoming Anxiety

Change your relationship with anxious feelings instead of fighting yourself.

By Brooke Hicks · The Life Coach School

Sometimes the most exhausting part of feeling anxious is how hard we work to stop feeling anxious.

We become tense about the tension. We worry that the worry shouldn’t be there. We rush, distract ourselves, or criticize ourselves for not being calmer.

In this coaching approach, I want to explore another response: actively allowing the feeling. This is work with everyday anxious thoughts and emotions, rather than a promise to eliminate anxiety or treat an anxiety disorder.

Name what you’re experiencing

Anxiety can feel vague. Something seems wrong, but you aren’t sure what. Naming the emotion gives you a place to begin.

Notice that you’re feeling anxious. Then separate the physical sensation from the predictions your mind is making.

What is happening in your body? What are you imagining will happen? Are you responding to a present problem or to a possible future one?

You don’t need a perfect answer immediately. You’re beginning to observe your experience instead of being swept along by it.

Notice your usual response

I teach four ways we can respond to an emotion: resisting, reacting, avoiding, and allowing.

Resistance argues with the feeling. You push it away or get angry with yourself for having it.

Reaction acts it out. You may rush around, snap at someone, or try to solve everything at once.

Avoidance distracts you from the experience. Eating, drinking, or working can become ways of not noticing what you feel.

Allowing means recognizing the emotion and making room for it without requiring yourself to act it out. Ask which response you’re practicing right now.

Acceptance is an active practice

Accepting an emotion doesn’t mean giving up on yourself. It means being willing to observe what is already here.

Try describing the sensation in detail. Where is it? Does it feel tight, warm, heavy, or restless? What changes as you notice it?

Bring your attention gently to your breathing. You aren’t trying to perform calmness. You’re giving yourself something concrete to notice while the feeling is present.

There is no requirement that you feel amazing afterward. The practice is to stay with yourself without adding a battle against the emotion.

Get curious about your thinking

Thoughts create feelings in the Self Coaching Model. Paying attention to anxious predictions can help you understand the emotional pattern you’re experiencing.

Write down the sentences in your mind. Perhaps you’re predicting that you’ll make a mistake, disappoint someone, or be unable to cope.

Notice what happens when you believe each sentence. What action do you take? Does that action help with the actual situation?

Then explore a more useful thought you can believe. You may be able to acknowledge uncertainty and still trust yourself to take the next step.

Practice without demanding instant relief

Choose an ordinary moment of anxious anticipation. Name the feeling, identify your habitual response, and describe the sensation before reaching for a distraction.

Ask what needs your practical attention and what is a prediction to examine. You can take care of a real task while also allowing emotional discomfort.

The point is to develop a more aware relationship with yourself. Feeling anxious does not have to become a reason to attack yourself or surrender every decision to the feeling.

Start with noticing. Give yourself time to learn.