Lies We're Taught

Question familiar beliefs before you let them define your life.

What if something you've always called a fact is actually a belief someone taught you?

As children, we learn facts and opinions together. We learn that two plus two is four, that something is called a tree, and that certain things are true about money, marriage, success, and happiness.

We don't necessarily have the ability to separate those categories. Later, a familiar belief can feel just as solid as arithmetic.

Much of my coaching work involves questioning those beliefs. Sometimes it feels identity-shattering. But what you think is an observation may be a thought that isn't serving you.

Here are some common beliefs I want you to question.

“Other people hurt our feelings”

We're taught this early. Someone hurt Mommy's feelings. Your brother hurt your feelings. You must be careful not to hurt anyone else's feelings.

But feelings are created by our thoughts. When we believe other people create them, we start trying to control what people think, say, and do. We become people pleasers, hoping to manage everyone's emotional experience.

Then we wonder why we don't know who we are. We've been so focused on how everyone else might react that we haven't been expressing ourselves.

Understanding that thoughts create feelings gives us a different place to do our work.

“Hard work makes money”

Money is created through value. Hard work can produce value, but it isn't the effort itself that makes the money.

There are people working themselves to the bone who aren't making much money. The question I want you to ask is how much value you're creating through your thinking, ingenuity, and contribution.

When you focus on value instead of counting how hard you're working, you approach earning differently.

“Straight A's mean you're smart”

There are many ways to be smart. A student may get straight A's because they enjoy school, work hard, learn that material easily, or know how to follow the rules.

That doesn't make grades a complete measure of intelligence.

I want us to value curiosity, ingenuity, and the desire to learn. Those qualities don't always show up neatly on a report card. A child who doesn't enjoy the school game shouldn't have to conclude they aren't capable.

“The goal is to be happy all the time”

When a child comes home sad, we often try immediately to cheer them up. What if we allowed sadness instead?

The goal isn't constant happiness. It's the fullness of the human experience, including sadness, disappointment, frustration, and joy.

Life is 50–50. Thinking you should always be happy creates unnecessary suffering about the part of life that isn't happy. You can feel those emotions without deciding something has gone wrong.

“Everyone is always a winner”

I'm competitive. I like games partly because there's a possibility of winning and a possibility of losing.

It's okay to want to win. It's also okay to lose and feel disappointed. We need to learn how to experience that instead of arranging life so no one ever has to lose.

The loss doesn't have to mean something terrible about you. You can care deeply, give your best, and still not win that game.

“Sometimes it's unsafe to love someone”

Love doesn't mean you have to spend time with a person, invite them to dinner, or approve of what they do.

Love is a feeling you experience. Choosing hate means you are the one feeling hate.

I believe we can love humanity in all its forms and still make clear decisions about safety and boundaries. Loving yourself and another person can give you a place of wisdom from which to decide where you want to be.

Finding compassion for the darker parts of humanity also helps us love the imperfect parts of ourselves.

“Money is a zero-sum game”

The belief that more for me means less for you treats money as one fixed pie we're fighting over.

That's not how I think about creating money. Making more in my business has allowed me to pay employees well, help people, and support others in building their businesses.

Value and money can multiply. Having more can help you contribute more. It doesn't have to take opportunity away from someone else.

“Women universally have it tougher than men”

You can make a case for this belief. But I want you to notice what it creates when you accept it as the explanation for your own life.

A student once told me her husband had it easier simply because he was a man. She hadn't questioned that assumption.

I want to help women who are struggling. I also don't want us to assume we're less than or that our lives must be harder. I choose to think about the opportunity available to us. Men and women can both have challenges and both be amazing.

“Your spouse should meet your needs”

This belief can make marriage miserable. You hand someone a list of needs and make them responsible for meeting it.

I teach taking responsibility for yourself and your own needs, then loving your partner. You don't have to make marriage an arrangement where you take from each other in order to feel okay.

Try approaching the relationship from that responsibility and love. Notice the difference it creates.

“College makes you successful”

Going to college isn't what determines your success. Your thinking and what you create matter.

If you want to become a doctor or attorney, I recommend college. But a degree isn't a guarantee of success, and not having one doesn't settle what you're capable of.

Question the automatic assumption before making it the rule for yourself or your children.

“Drugs are simply terrible”

I've been honest with my children about why drugs can be so compelling. Their pleasurable effects are part of the danger. They can feel wonderful on the front end and be terrible on the back end.

If we only tell children drugs feel awful, an enjoyable experience can make them think we lied. I want them to understand both the appeal and the harm, including why I wish I'd never tried alcohol.

“The world is broken and humans ruin things”

I don't think we have to hate the world in order to improve it.

Humans create problems, and humans create solutions. We can see something we want to change as an opportunity to contribute rather than proof that everything is ruined.

I believe the human experience includes suffering and the opportunity to evolve. We can work toward something better without adding despair about the world we're in.

What were you taught that you now want to question? Don't keep a belief simply because you've had it a long time. Look at what it creates in your life and decide whether you want to keep believing it.