Lessons from Pema Chodron

Meet the moment you want to escape with honesty, gentleness, and curiosity.

By Brooke Hicks · The Life Coach School

There is a moment between feeling uncomfortable and reaching for the familiar escape.

Someone says something. You tighten. Your mind starts building a case against them—or against yourself. Before long, you are replaying the conversation, distracting yourself, or reacting in a way you later regret.

Pema Chodron’s teaching has helped me understand that moment. Her work invites us to meet discomfort with awareness and compassion instead of automatically running from it.

These are some of the ideas from her teaching that have influenced the way I think about self-coaching.

Notice when you get hooked

Pema discusses shenpa, the experience of getting hooked into a familiar pattern.

A circumstance becomes the starting point for a spiral of thinking and reacting. You may feel the initial tightening, then move into blame, self-criticism, or a habitual distraction.

In the Self Coaching Model, we look at the thoughts that create feelings and the actions and results that follow. Recognizing the pattern gives you a place to pause.

Suppose someone criticizes your work. You think, “I’m not good enough.” You feel ashamed and avoid returning to the project. Noticing that chain helps you see more than the criticism alone.

Look honestly and gently

Honesty without gentleness can become another form of self-attack. Gentleness without honesty can become a way to avoid what you need to see.

Practice bringing both to your own mind.

What were you thinking? What were you feeling? What did you do next? Ask without turning the answers into evidence that something is wrong with you.

If you used a distraction to avoid discomfort, acknowledge it. Then become interested in the experience you were trying not to have.

You can learn from a pattern you are willing to observe.

Let difficult moments reveal your thinking

A person who irritates you can bring your assumptions into view. A disappointment can show you an expectation you had not noticed. A moment of jealousy can reveal a desire or a belief about what is possible for you.

This does not require approving someone’s behavior. You are using your response as information about your own mind.

Instead of asking only how to make the situation go away, ask what you can understand about yourself here.

That question can create an opening where blame usually closes the conversation.

Compassion begins with shared humanity

Knowing your own fear, confusion, and imperfect responses can help you meet other people with more compassion.

You are not standing above their experience as someone who never struggles. You are recognizing something human.

This is especially useful when you support someone else. Can you listen without immediately judging, fixing, or distancing yourself from their discomfort?

The practice you bring to yourself influences the presence you can offer another person.

Make room for more than one kind of experience

Life includes joy and pain. If you insist that only the pleasant parts should be here, you may spend much of your life arguing with the rest.

Allowing an unwanted feeling is different from liking it. You can acknowledge the moment as it is and still decide what you want to do next.

Think of one small discomfort you usually escape. Pause. Name what you feel. Notice the thought and the urge to react. Give yourself room to respond deliberately.

You do not have to turn the moment into a profound breakthrough. Begin by staying present long enough to see the pattern.

For me, this teaching is about resisting less and experiencing life more fully. Honesty, curiosity, and compassion give us a way to begin right where we are.