Lessons from My Teenagers

Letting your children be themselves is part of learning to parent.

We want our children to be happy, tell us the truth, get good grades, and make good decisions. We want them to become wonderful people. Sometimes we want all of that so much that we start trying to manage every part of their experience.

Then we are surprised when they hide things from us, disagree with us, or want a life that does not look exactly like ours.

I asked my sons, Christian and Connor, what it was like to grow up with me as their mother. They had the same parents and different experiences. Listening to them gave me an opportunity to look at parenting from the other side.

Your child does not have to be happy all the time

When I was a child, I thought my mother wanted me to be happy all the time. So I pretended to be happy. I did not want that to become the experience my children had with me.

But I still found myself wanting to fix things when they came home upset. If someone hurt their feelings, I wanted to go to school and talk to the other kids. I wanted to make it better.

Getting coached helped me see that my children had to go through some of those experiences. They were part of growing up. I could let them be disappointed without making it my responsibility to remove the disappointment.

Christian described middle school as a difficult time of drama, trying to fit in, and figuring out who you are. He wanted parents to understand that a child needs guidance and someone who will listen, rather than someone who is always looking for what they did wrong.

Letting a child have a hard experience is different from deciding that something has gone wrong because they are not happy.

Do you really want to hear the truth?

Parents often tell me they just want their children to tell them the truth. But some of the truth is scary.

If a child tells you something difficult and you immediately punish them for telling you, what have they learned about being honest with you?

Christian explained that pressure to disclose everything can make a child better at hiding things. They may need a parent, but the reaction to their honesty pushes them farther away.

I am not saying there should never be consequences. I am asking us to notice when constant punishment and grounding are destroying the communication we say we want.

My sons talked openly about what they saw at school, including vaping, drugs, and sex. Their perspectives were their own experiences, not a report about every teenager. What stood out to me was how easy it is for a parent to believe their child would never encounter the very things we encountered at that age.

There is a difference between knowing your child and knowing only the version you want to know.

Give guidance they can understand

I wanted my children to understand why I had an opinion about drugs, rather than simply hearing that drugs were bad. From my own experience, I knew that a warning that did not match what they encountered could make them question what I told them.

I explained why liking a drug could become a problem: you would want to keep doing it. If you hated the experience, you had spent your time and money on something you did not enjoy.

We talked about consequences rather than pretending those choices did not exist. Christian emphasized that there were risks beyond disappointing a parent, including legal consequences and decisions that could affect the rest of your life.

Both sons wanted parents to guide them while recognizing that they were making their own decisions. That is a difficult balance. It asks us to explain our values and stay in a relationship with a person whose choices we cannot make for them.

Let them practice solving problems

Connor described building his own computer and learning how to find answers when something did not work. When he gave a friend an older computer, he noticed the friend kept asking him to solve things instead of knowing how to look for solutions.

He used that experience to explain what happens when a parent always steps in. A child can become used to relying on someone else to solve the problem.

I think giving children the opportunity to fail is important. Sometimes they will solve a problem well. Sometimes they will do a terrible job, and you may need to step in. But if you never give them the opportunity, they do not learn the process.

Connor said his first question had become what he could do to solve something. After looking at his options, he could still ask us for help.

That is the balance I wanted. You are capable of figuring things out. And if you need us, we are here.

Grades are not the measure of a whole person

I expected good grades because I knew my sons were capable of getting them. Earlier, there were consequences involving phones and video games. Later, they increasingly took responsibility for school themselves.

Christian described getting a C and being more upset with himself than we were, because he wanted to get into college. The motivation had become his own.

I did not see good grades as proof of someone's ability to live in the world. I saw school as a responsibility they had and a place to learn how to function within a system. If their best effort had produced Cs, I would have had a different baseline.

Connor also pointed out that struggling in school does not mean someone will be a failure. School can be easier for one person and harder for another. There is much more to life than being school-smart.

Your child can believe something different

It is such a trip to have a baby and imagine they will think the way you do, then watch them become someone with a different approach to life.

I have always had my own spiritual beliefs, but I did not raise my children by going to church. Christian chose to find a church, be baptized, and practice his faith. That choice was his.

There are significant things we disagree about. Being able to have those conversations and let him believe what he believes is part of what makes our relationship so good.

Sometimes I am delighted by who my children are. Sometimes I am disappointed. I cannot make their beliefs identical to mine, and trying to do that can create distance between us.

Look at the thinking behind your parenting

Connor talked about using the Model to work through self-consciousness. He recognized that he was already imagining what other people thought about him, so he could choose a different thought instead of assuming the worst.

I also chose deliberately to believe my children would turn out well. That belief influenced how I approached them.

When worry leads us to control every detail, we can create the distance that makes us worry even more. An honest conversation about our worry is a different action from accusing a child of ruining their life.

Parenting asks us to know who we are while allowing our children to become who they are. We can guide them, explain our values, and be available. We can also let them learn, disagree, and make decisions.

My sons taught me that being there for them does not require doing their lives for them.