Jealousy

Let someone else’s success show you what you want—not what you lack.

By Brooke Hicks · The Life Coach School

Someone announces a success, and your stomach drops.

You wanted to feel happy for them. Instead, you start calculating how far ahead they are, how long you have been trying, and what their accomplishment says about you.

Jealousy can be uncomfortable to admit. But pretending you do not feel it keeps you from understanding it.

Look at it with curiosity. Someone has something you want, and your mind is making that mean something about what is available to you. That meaning is where your work begins.

Find the scarcity underneath the comparison

Another person’s success is a circumstance. Your thoughts about it create your emotional experience.

You might think, “They got there first, so there is no room for me.” Or, “If they are winning, I must be losing.” Those thoughts turn someone else’s achievement into evidence against your own possibility.

Notice the assumption. Are you imagining that there is only one prize, one opportunity, or one acceptable way to succeed?

In many areas of life, another person doing well does not prevent you from developing your own work. Your contribution will come through your experience, your perspective, and the way you show up.

You do not need to erase someone else’s success to make your own life meaningful.

You are comparing more than you can see

It is easy to look at an external result and assume the person who achieved it feels better than you do.

You see the promotion, the business milestone, or the public recognition. You do not see every thought that person has about it. You cannot determine someone’s inner experience from the part of their life you can observe.

If you believe their result guarantees happiness, your own life may seem inadequate by comparison. But feelings still come from thoughts, even after a goal is achieved.

Ask what you actually want. Is it the result itself? Or are you hoping it will finally give you permission to feel worthy?

Use jealousy to identify a desire

Jealousy can tell you where you have an unacknowledged goal.

Suppose a colleague starts teaching workshops, and you feel resentful every time you hear about one. You might discover that you also want to teach, but you have been telling yourself you are not ready.

Now you have something useful to work on. You can explore the desire, question the thought that stops you, and decide on a next step.

Resenting the colleague does not create your workshop. Preparing an outline, practicing, and making an offer might.

Ask four questions that bring you back to your life

First, what do I already have? This is not a demand to feel grateful instead of jealous. It is a way to widen your attention beyond what seems missing.

Second, am I doing what I can to create the results I want? Be specific. Notice the difference between thinking about your goal and taking action toward it.

Third, do I believe in myself and my goals? If not, write down the sentences that explain why. Those thoughts deserve examination.

Fourth, can I use this person’s success as inspiration? Consider what you can learn from their willingness to act, without assuming your path must look identical.

Make progress your point of comparison

Bring your attention back to your own actions and results. What have you practiced? What have you learned? What will you do differently next?

That comparison gives you information you can use. Ranking your whole life against someone else’s visible success usually does not.

You do not have to force yourself into instant enthusiasm for another person. Start by allowing the feeling and questioning the story that makes their success a threat.

There can be room for their work and yours. When you begin to believe that, you free up energy to create the life you keep watching other people live.