How to Feel

Build the willingness to experience an emotion before trying to change it.

By Brooke Hicks · The Life Coach School

You notice an uncomfortable feeling, identify the thought behind it, and immediately ask for a better thought.

That is understandable. You want relief.

But if you use thought work only to escape emotion, you can miss an important skill: learning how to feel what is already there.

Feeling an emotion is different from reacting to it, displaying it, or trying to push it away. It means allowing yourself to experience the feeling with awareness.

Slow down before thought swapping

Thoughts create feelings, which drive actions and results. Understanding that does not mean you must replace every uncomfortable thought the moment you notice it.

First, get curious about the feeling.

When you set a new goal, for example, doubt may show up. If your only response is to make the doubt disappear, you may change the goal, delay starting, or look for certainty you cannot get.

What if you could feel some doubt and still participate? That possibility opens up a different relationship with discomfort.

Name the emotion

Begin with a word: disappointed, anxious, embarrassed, frustrated, or sad.

Try to distinguish the emotion from the story. “I feel like I’m never going to succeed” is a thought. What feeling comes up when you believe it?

Naming the feeling gives you something specific to observe. Instead of an undefined experience you must escape, you can begin to understand what is happening.

Describe the sensations in your body

Where do you notice the emotion? Is there tightness, heat, a flutter, or pressure? Does it feel fast or slow? Does it stay in one place or change?

Describe your experience in enough detail that someone who had never felt the emotion could understand what you mean.

You are not explaining why you feel it yet. You are observing how it feels.

Your description may be different from someone else’s. The point is to become familiar with your own experience.

Allow without immediately acting

Imagine you want to ask a question in a meeting, but you feel embarrassed about not knowing the answer.

You might usually stay silent, leave the meeting, or criticize yourself. Instead, pause and notice the embarrassment. Name it. Observe the sensations. Let your breathing be gentle, with an unhurried exhale.

You are practicing having an emotion without making it a command.

The feeling does not have to disappear before you decide whether to ask the question.

Remember the thought connection

As you observe the emotion, remind yourself that there is thinking connected to it.

You might discover a sentence such as, “Everyone should already know this.” Or, “If I’m uncertain, I don’t belong here.”

Do not rush to argue with the thought. Notice how it creates your experience.

Sometimes you may not immediately identify the exact sentence. You can still practice naming and allowing the feeling instead of adding criticism about having it.

Build trust through practice

Some emotions are ones you want to feel. Grief, for example, may be part of how you experience a loss. The goal is not a life stripped of every painful emotion.

Start with an everyday moment you can observe. Notice the urge to hurry through it. Return to the sensations and allow yourself to learn.

After you understand the current experience, you can decide whether to examine a thought more closely, choose a new one, or take an action.

Willingness to feel gives you more room to live. You can have a conversation, attempt a goal, or tell the truth without requiring emotional comfort first.