How to Disagree with Someone

You can completely disagree with someone and still love them.

You don’t have to get huffy, storm off, or make the other person change their mind before you can stay in the conversation. Disagreement doesn’t have to become disconnection.

We already know how to do this with some subjects. I think The Matrix is the best movie. My husband would choose Deadpool. We can disagree about that without being angry with each other.

But when the subject feels more important, we often act as though we have to convince the other person or eliminate their voice.

I want you to practice another option. Disagreeing well is an art, and it starts with understanding your own mind.

What makes their opinion upsetting?

I coached a woman whose husband had political views and beliefs she didn’t share. She had reached the point where she didn’t want to hear him talk about them.

I asked why hearing his opinion was so upsetting.

That is a question worth answering. You might believe the person’s choices will affect you. You might think listening means you are somehow consenting to the idea. You might decide the opinion proves something terrible about the person.

Whatever the answer, notice the thought. The words the other person says are the circumstance. Your thoughts about those words create your feelings.

If you think the other person directly causes your upset, removing or silencing them seems like the only solution. Seeing your thinking gives you another place to work.

Listening isn’t agreement

You can hear someone without liking or agreeing with what they say.

This distinction is especially important when you strongly disagree with an idea on moral or ethical grounds. You may be afraid that allowing the person to speak makes you part of the problem.

But listening can be an effort to understand why someone believes what they believe. It doesn’t require adopting the belief.

You can make that clear. Tell them you don’t agree, but you want to understand their perspective. That may help you stay present without worrying you are giving the wrong impression.

You can also disagree with what someone has said or done while still loving them as a person. Separate the person from the opinion you are examining.

Get curious about how they came to believe it

As a coach, I hear ideas from people with very different backgrounds and beliefs. My opinion about how they should live isn’t the point of coaching them.

I help them see their minds and consider thoughts they may want to think. What they choose is theirs.

Practicing that nonjudgment makes me a better communicator outside coaching, too. I can listen to someone whose views are different and ask how they came to them.

What were they taught? What experiences shaped the belief? What have they read or learned that makes it feel so true?

Sometimes I hear an explanation and change my mind. Sometimes I still disagree, but I understand the person more.

That understanding is available only if I am willing to hear them rather than immediately deciding they are stupid or bad.

Notice when you are judging someone for judging

It can feel justified to hate someone you have decided is hateful. But look at what you are doing.

You may be judging the judger and hating the hater without recognizing the same action in yourself.

Ask whether that response serves you. Understanding might give you a better opportunity for a conversation than condemnation does.

This doesn’t mean you say nothing. You can say you disagree with a comment. You can ask someone not to use a word or say something in your presence.

The work is choosing that response consciously rather than reacting and assigning the other person responsibility for how you feel.

Know what you believe and like your reasons

Before you enter a disagreement, understand your own beliefs.

Why do you believe what you believe? How have your history, experiences, education, and decisions shaped your perspective?

Other people feel just as strongly about their beliefs. Being certain about yours doesn’t remove the opportunity to understand theirs.

When you know your own mind, you can hear a different idea without needing to make the person agree as proof that you are allowed to keep yours.

Listen while watching your own thinking

Start by really hearing the person. Try being fascinated by the difference between your perspective and theirs.

If you feel the urge to interrupt, correct, or fix them, notice it. Give yourself space to observe the thought and feeling driving that urge.

You may feel your body tighten. You may think you need to immediately argue. You can witness those reactions before deciding what to do.

Let the person explain more. You can say you have a different opinion and still want to understand theirs.

Then choose your response. You might share your perspective and ask what they think. You might simply let them feel heard.

The point is that you are deciding, rather than letting the emotion react for you.

Let them have an opinion about your opinion

Sometimes we don’t share our views because we fear being judged the way we have judged someone else.

If you practice hearing the other person’s judgment of your ideas, you don’t have to control their opinion to feel confident.

You can let them explain why they disagree. You can listen without making their response a verdict about your worth or a command to change.

Letting people be who they are gives them room to speak. It also creates more opportunity for your ideas to be heard.

But don’t turn curiosity into a strategy for manipulating them into agreement. If changing their mind is your hidden agenda, you may not really be listening.

Use disagreement to understand

Two people can have a conversation in which neither changes their mind and still leave knowing each other better.

You can respect someone’s willingness to share. You can acknowledge their right to have an opinion. You can disagree and still remain connected.

That isn’t the same as never feeling emotion. It means giving yourself credit for the thoughts creating your feelings, rather than giving all that power to the person speaking.

Practice with a conversation where you usually want to correct or shut down the other person. Listen. Notice your thoughts. Choose how you want to respond.

See what becomes possible when the goal is understanding instead of winning the fight.