How Are You Feeling?

A different question can take a familiar conversation beneath the surface.

How was your day?

You may ask that question every evening and hear the same answer. Good. Fine. Busy. Then you both move on.

But what if the person telling you the day was fine is feeling frustrated? What if you have heard the schedule and missed their experience of living it?

I want you to try a different question: how are you feeling?

It is simple. It can also change where a conversation goes.

Look at your habits of communication

When my sons went away to college, our communication changed. They liked texting, sometimes in very brief answers. I noticed that familiar questions often produced familiar responses.

Then I began seeing the same pattern with my husband and my friends. We asked the same things and answered in the same ways. We could stay on the surface without realizing it.

When you ask how something went, you direct attention toward the event. How was the conference? How was the test? What happened during the day?

The person may tell you who attended, what was said, and what happened next. That can be useful information. But it is different from asking about the person experiencing it.

Asking how they feel directs attention inward.

Ask about the experience, not only the event

After a conference, you could ask how someone feels about having attended it. You may learn something very different from a description of the speakers and the schedule.

I enjoy stories that have meaning and a moment of feeling rather than only a chronological account. At a storytelling workshop with Matthew Dicks, I appreciated the way he taught connection through the meaning of an experience.

I often ask questions while someone tells a story because I want to understand what it meant to them. What were they feeling? What changed?

The story becomes more interesting because we are no longer only hearing the itinerary. We are connecting with the person.

You can bring that same curiosity to ordinary conversations with people you love.

They may not answer the question at first

If you ask how someone is feeling, they may still describe the day. They went to the mall, bought something, or completed a task.

They may not have heard the difference in what you asked.

You can ask again. How are you feeling about it? How do you feel right now?

With your children, you can ask how they feel about the test, the class, a relationship, or their life. See whether the conversation moves from reporting what happened to describing their internal experience.

It may feel awkward at first. They may not know the answer immediately. Give the question room instead of instantly filling the space with your own assumptions.

You may be surprised by the answer

We often project feelings onto people. We assume someone is doing great or having a terrible time, then relate to our assumption.

When I ask my children or my husband how they feel, the answer can be completely unexpected. That makes the conversation more interesting and helps me feel connected.

I am no longer only talking to the story I have made up about them.

Ask the question and actually listen. Do not ask simply to create an opening for what you want to say next.

You may find an experience you would not have known was there.

Ask yourself, too

Throughout the day, ask how you are feeling. How do you feel about what just happened? How do you feel about yourself or your life?

The Model already asks you to identify thoughts, feelings, actions, and results. This question helps you connect with the feeling instead of remaining only in your explanation of the circumstance.

You may need to pay attention to your body to find the answer. What is the vibration or sensation you are experiencing?

If you are a little numb or avoidant, practice recognizing and naming emotion. If you remain unable to access your emotional experience, getting support can be useful. I have talked about coaching and, particularly when disconnection relates to trauma or childhood experiences, therapy as ways to help reconnect.

The point is to become aware of what is happening within you, rather than assume you already know.

Use more than good and bad

The words you have for emotion affect how specifically you can understand your experience.

Feeling anxious is different from feeling frustrated. Feeling perplexed is different from feeling agitated. Learning to recognize those differences gives you a more intimate relationship with yourself.

Notice automatic answers such as fine, okay, or great. Has the person actually checked in with themselves, or simply offered the response they always use?

Also notice physical sensations such as hunger or tiredness. They may be part of the person's experience, but you can keep exploring what is happening emotionally.

You can ask for a little more specificity without turning the conversation into an interrogation.

Do not turn the feeling into a problem to solve

If your child says they feel frustrated, you may immediately want to help them stop feeling frustrated.

I know that impulse. I want my children to be happy. But trying to talk someone out of their emotion can dismiss the experience you just asked them to share.

You cannot solve another person's feeling for them. And they may not be asking you to coach them or fix anything.

You can stay with them. You can be quiet for a moment. You can ask them to tell you more.

When I do that, my sons often offer more about what is happening. If I do not rush to override their thinking, there is room for them to open up.

I can leave the conversation with nothing solved and still feel much more connected than I would after hearing a quick answer that everything is good.

Notice your response

Pay attention to what you do when someone describes a negative feeling. Do you immediately become alarmed, apologize, or start looking for the fix?

Also notice what happens when they feel wonderful. Do you become suspicious and demand to know what happened to make them feel that way?

Your response is part of the conversation. You can become interested in it instead of treating your habitual reaction as the only available one.

When you ask, make a little eye contact. Not an intense stare. Just enough to show you are there and want to hear them, rather than asking while looking at a phone.

Offer your own feelings honestly

You can change the conversation from the other side, too. When someone close to you asks how you are, tell them how you are feeling instead of giving the automatic answer.

You do not need to unload your emotional life on a stranger who is being polite. Use the context of the relationship.

With a partner, friend, parent, or child, being honest about your emotional experience can create a different kind of conversation.

It may bring up something that has been beneath the surface for a while. People change, even when the daily script between them stays the same.

Make room to know each other

You can be around someone every day and still not know how they feel. Familiarity does not automatically create that awareness.

Ask how they feel about today, about the relationship, or about themselves. Ask yourself the same questions.

Listen without requiring the feeling to become different immediately. Share without assuming the other person already knows.

How are you feeling right now?

Take a moment to go inside and answer. That is the experience I want you to bring into the conversations that matter to you.