Giving It Up

What if you are not losing something, but completing that part of your life?

I used to worry about what people would think when I did not drink. I would come up with elaborate explanations, as though I needed a story that made my choice acceptable.

Now I can simply say I prefer not to.

After a dinner with a group of colleagues, I told our Uber driver I did not drink. He said he did not either. When the subject of why came up, I explained that I had already had enough to drink for a lifetime.

That was not just an answer for him. It was a way of thinking about my own life. I had experienced drinking, and I was complete with it.

Completion feels different from loss

When we try to change, we often think about a habit as something we are giving up forever. We imagine it as a missing part of our life that we will always want.

That thought creates deprivation. We are taking something away from ourselves.

But consider another perspective: you had that experience. You know what it is like. Now you want something different.

That is how I think about drinking. I did it during a part of my life. I am glad I had that experience, and I am glad that part is over. I do not have to treat it as something I am losing every time someone else orders a glass of wine.

It is a subtle shift in thinking with a very different feeling behind it.

Some parts of life naturally end

Think about being married. You do not necessarily walk around thinking you can never go on a date with another person again. You may be happy that the part of your life involving dating is complete.

You had one experience. Now you are having another.

You can apply that perspective to other things you have done. Maybe you are complete with university, with a particular relationship, with reading a magazine, or with watching the news.

It does not have to be a constant struggle over something that should still belong in your life. You can decide that you have had enough of that experience.

When someone suggests an activity you have already tried and do not want to do, you can say you have done it and are not interested. You can bring that same clarity to other choices.

Make a list of what you are done doing

After I talked about this with a friend, she sent me the work she had done with the idea. She made a list of things she was complete with.

One of them was bread. Another was debt.

That was an interesting way to approach it. Instead of believing she was being denied something, she could consider that she had experienced it and did not need to keep having that experience.

You can make your own list. What have you had enough of? What have you done that you do not want to keep doing?

Maybe it is overeating, overdrinking, procrastinating, moving around, or changing jobs. Maybe it is the experience of employment and you want to explore having your own business.

These are choices to consider for yourself. The exercise is to find what you want to be complete with, rather than adopt someone else's list.

Then list what you want to experience

On the other side of the page, write what you want more of.

You may be complete with drinking and hangovers, and interested in early weekend mornings when you feel clear and awake. You may be complete with dating and interested in marriage.

You may have experienced years of putting things off and doing whatever feels good in the moment. Now you want the experience of finishing on time, following through, and creating your life deliberately.

Look at what is being added. You are not simply removing an experience and leaving an empty place.

You are choosing a new experience after having had the old one.

Question what you call normal

When I work with clients on weight loss, some tell me they want to be normal and that eating bread is normal.

I ask who defines normal. Is it what food manufacturers offer? Is it what the people around you do? Is it what you have always done?

You can decide what you want to be normal for your own life. You do not have to keep an experience because you once considered it a requirement for fitting in.

If you are complete with something, other people continuing to do it does not mean you are missing out. They are choosing their experiences, and you are choosing yours.

I do not have a problem with other people drinking. I know that experience. I am simply not interested in having it now.

A life can contain many kinds of experiences

I think one of the wonderful opportunities of being alive is the variety of experiences we can have.

Our brains often prefer sameness because it feels safe. We can stay in a familiar pattern and make that the whole story. But we can also explore what the opposite experience is like.

I have experienced doing what I wanted in the moment, eating what I wanted, and drinking what I wanted. I do not need to call that experience invalid in order to choose something else.

I also want to experience managing my mind, contributing, and being disciplined enough to create other possibilities.

For me, earning money opens up experiences, too. It gives me the option of making a large donation or traveling in ways that were not previously available. Doing the work to create money expands what I can choose.

Not drinking has expanded other experiences: thinking clearly, listening, and processing emotion in ways I did not before.

You already know the experience you are leaving

When I was trying to stop drinking, I sometimes thought my life would have been better if I had never started. I see that differently now.

Being with people who are drinking does not leave me wondering what I am missing. I have been there. I know what drinking feels like, and I know what the next morning can feel like.

I also know what it is like to wake up clear and refreshed. I have had both experiences.

If you have years of experience overeating, feeling your clothes become tight, criticizing your body, or trying to starve yourself thin, you know those experiences. What if you tried creating a different one?

You do not have to keep repeating something to prove it was once enjoyable.

Change still takes energy

A new way of thinking does not mean the beginning will be easy. Your mind and body are used to the familiar pattern. Changing it requires mental energy.

You may still experience urges and discomfort. You can work with those while practicing the idea that you are making a choice for yourself.

The thought that you can never have something again creates a different feeling from the thought that you have had it and now want something new. Those feelings drive different actions.

Return to your two lists. What are you ready to complete? What do you want to begin experiencing?

You can appreciate the part of your life you have already lived and choose to close that door. You can be done with an experience without spending the rest of your life believing something is missing.