Creating Confidence

Build trust in yourself without requiring everyone else’s approval.

You may think confidence is something you will earn after enough successful attempts. After the presentation goes well. After people like your work. After you stop making mistakes.

But two people can have similar achievements and think about them very differently. One sees evidence of capability. The other sees all the ways someone else did better.

The achievement is not the whole story. Your interpretation matters. Confidence is a feeling, and the thoughts you practice help create it.

Look for the thought behind confidence

In the Self Coaching Model, thoughts create feelings, feelings drive actions, and actions create results. Confidence belongs in the feeling line.

Ask what you think when you feel confident. Perhaps you believe you can learn what you need to learn, handle a mistake, or contribute something useful.

Then notice what confidence encourages you to do. You may participate more fully, make decisions, or try something you have been postponing.

Do not confuse confidence with controlling the room

An action can look confident while being driven by fear. Speaking loudly or trying to manage everyone’s response may be an attempt to avoid feeling overlooked.

Ask what is happening inside your own Model. Are you focused on connecting and contributing, or on making sure nobody has an opinion you dislike?

Confidence does not give you control over other people’s thinking. It helps you decide how you want to show up regardless of the response.

Separate confidence from superiority

You do not have to believe you are better than someone else to believe in yourself. Appreciation for yourself and appreciation for another person can exist together.

Notice whether comparison is making confidence feel unsafe. If you think believing in yourself means putting someone else down, you may keep withholding that belief.

Try asking what you value about your own contribution without turning it into a competition.

Find a place where you already trust yourself

Choose an ordinary skill you approach with confidence. Perhaps you can pick up a glass of water, drive a familiar route, or proofread a document.

What do you think about your ability? How do you respond when an occasional mistake happens?

Spilling water once does not usually make you question your entire identity. Consider bringing that same perspective to a less familiar skill. An imperfect attempt can be an event to learn from rather than evidence that you are fundamentally incapable.

Give your attention to what you are offering

If you are preparing to speak, ask what you want the audience to understand. If you are coaching, focus on the person you are helping.

Contribution can give your mind a useful direction when it wants to evaluate how you look or what everyone thinks of you.

You can also practice standing behind your actions. Decide what you believe is right, act from that decision, and take responsibility for it.

Practice confidence with self-doubt present

Notice self-doubt without making its disappearance the requirement for beginning. Write down the thought that creates it and consider a thought that supports participation.

Review achievements you tend to dismiss. Include small ones. Ask what your effort and learning show you about yourself.

Then choose one action you want to take. Bring a thought that helps you trust your ability to learn and respond. Confidence is something you can practice, rather than an award you must wait for others to hand you.