Connection Circle

What if your partner doesn’t want to have the conversation you love having?

You can keep wishing they were different. You can feel disappointed that they don’t want to challenge your business ideas, talk about coaching, or go on the trip you have imagined.

Or you can recognize that one person doesn’t have to meet every desire you have for connection.

I call the alternative a connection circle. You consciously create relationships with people whose wants match yours, while appreciating the connections you already have.

Connection is a feeling you create

Connection is the emotion of feeling connected with another human. That feeling comes from your thoughts about them.

We don’t feel someone else’s feelings. When a person says they love you, your thoughts about what they say create your experience of love.

The same is true when you feel hurt or disconnected. Your thinking creates the feeling.

This is good news because it means you can work on connection without requiring another person to change.

It also means understanding the way you learned to think about relationships matters. The patterns you practiced early in life may still be shaping how you attempt to connect now.

Your lovability is already complete

You are 100 percent lovable. There aren’t levels you achieve by becoming a better person or behaving differently.

Someone else’s ability to love you is about their capacity to love. It isn’t a measurement of your worth.

If a parent wasn’t able to love you, that doesn’t mean you were less lovable. If someone loves you tremendously, that reflects their ability and decision to love.

The same applies to other people. They are lovable, too. Your experience of loving them depends on your ability to love rather than their ability to perform perfectly for you.

Learning to love yourself and others is an important skill for connection. You can become more aware of the programming you learned from your early relationships and practice something different.

Let your circle change as your life changes

My relationships have looked different at different stages of life.

First, my family of origin was my world. Then I went to college and built friendships outside that family. Later, creating a family with my husband and children became central to my identity.

When my sons went to college, I began reconsidering how I wanted to connect in the next phase of my life.

I didn’t stop being a mother or an entrepreneur. But I wanted to be conscious about integrating those identities with the life I was creating next.

Questioning what you believe about yourself can be useful. You can ask what you want now without criticizing the relationships or choices that mattered in an earlier phase.

List the connections you want

Be specific about what you desire in relationships.

I want intellectual banter, visionary conversations, and meaningful challenges to my business ideas. I want laughter, encouragement, physical connection, travel, and people who care about the details of my life.

I want student and client relationships. I want a coach. I want friends who understand experiences such as being a mother, an empty nester, or a business owner.

Expecting one person to be all of that is unrealistic. It can lead me to pressure my husband to do things he doesn’t want to do.

Instead, I can list the desires and look for want matches: what I want fits what another person genuinely wants.

Find the matches already in your life

Look at the people you already know. Which connections naturally match what you want?

You may have a friend who is a coach and wants to be your friend, rather than your coach. You can enjoy that friendship and find a different person who wants to coach you.

Your partner may love some of the things on your list and not want others. Appreciate the matches instead of using the mismatches as evidence that the relationship is wrong.

Ask people for what you want and see whether they want it, too. You may be able to deepen an existing relationship by being clearer about the connection you desire.

Then look at what is still missing. That gives you a direction for new relationships to create.

Make a plan instead of only feeling the lack

If you crave a kind of connection you don’t have, you can feel bad about the absence or begin consciously creating it.

I realized I wanted more local, in-person friendships. I had deep friendships with people who lived far away, but fewer regular connections nearby.

As an introvert, I also knew I could hide from people, which made meeting new friends difficult.

I wanted a small group of close local friends, rather than dozens of relationships. That was what suited me.

What suits you? Your circle only needs to look the way you want it to look.

Think about new rituals, regular conversations, or gatherings you would enjoy. Begin asking whether someone wants to share that connection.

Be willing to make the offer

Making friends as an adult can feel awkward. I described it to a friend as asking someone on a friend date.

He reminded me that offering friendship isn’t something to be ashamed of. The other person may or may not want that particular connection, but I can still make the offer.

I began setting up regular dates with new friends. Having that time to look forward to added a dimension to my life, alongside the longstanding friendships I already valued.

Creating new connections also taught me about myself. I discovered new conversations, experiences, and desires.

You don’t have to wait for friendship to happen haphazardly. You can decide what you want and take the action that makes an opportunity for it.

Enjoy the connection without getting lost in the mechanics

Understanding that thoughts create connection doesn’t mean you have to interrupt every wonderful moment to remind yourself the other person didn’t cause it.

Some people make loving, connected thoughts come easily to you. It is delightful to spend time with them.

Use the Model when you have a problem or feel disconnected. Don’t turn the technical explanation into something that prevents you from enjoying a relationship that is going well.

Consciously choosing what you want and meeting people who want it, too, gives you opportunities to think and feel in new ways.

List your desires. Appreciate the matches you have. Ask for deeper connections where you want them, and make a plan for new ones.

Your connection circle is something you can create with care, rather than a demand that one person become everything.