Challenging Relationships

Start with the part of the relationship you can change: how you show up.

By Brooke Hicks · The Life Coach School

When a relationship feels difficult, most of us can explain exactly what the other person needs to change.

We have examples. We have evidence. We may have spent years making the case.

But knowing how someone else should behave does not tell us how we want to behave. That is the question I want you to consider.

You can begin working on your experience of a relationship by looking at your own thoughts, feelings, and actions. You do not need the other person to participate in that first step.

Separate what happened from what you think it means

Choose one relationship you find challenging. Write down the thoughts that come up when you think about that person.

Be careful here. “They never care about me” may feel like a description of reality. But it is an interpretation. What specifically did they say or do? What meaning did you add?

For example, a friend did not return your call yesterday. You think, “This friendship doesn’t matter to them.” That thought creates hurt. From hurt, you stop reaching out, rehearse their faults, or complain to someone else.

Notice the chain. Thoughts create feelings, which drive actions and results. Understanding your part gives you something you can work on.

Notice your way of handling discomfort

Do you pretend everything is fine and avoid honest conversation? Do you lash out and call it standing up for yourself? Do you agree to things you do not want and then resent the person? Do you talk about them instead of talking to them?

You do not need to judge yourself for recognizing a pattern. You do need to see it.

Keeping the peace on the outside while feeling resentful inside is not the same as experiencing peace. Shouting your position is not the same as expressing it with courage and clarity.

Ask whether your current response reflects the person you want to be.

Decide who you want to be

Set aside your instructions for the other person for a moment. How do you want to think, feel, and act in this relationship?

You might want to be honest, direct, kind, or calm. What would that look like in the next conversation?

Taking responsibility for your response does not mean approving everything someone does. It also does not mean you must remain in a relationship. It means becoming deliberate about your own choices instead of making your behavior depend on theirs.

Communicate after doing your own work

When you have examined your thoughts, you can enter a conversation with more clarity about what you want to say.

You can describe what happened, share your preferences, ask questions, and make a request. You can also set a boundary about what you will do when necessary.

Suppose you want more time with a friend. You can suggest a regular lunch. That is different from insisting that their agreement must prove how much they care.

A request leaves room for an answer. Trying to control someone makes your peace depend on their compliance.

Practice honesty without blame

Vulnerability includes telling the truth about your fears and owning your contribution to a problem. It does not require making the other person responsible for every feeling you have.

Try identifying one response you want to change. Find the thought behind it. Then choose a believable thought that helps you act with more intention.

Relationships include disappointment, mistakes, and disagreement. Making room for human imperfection can help you respond more thoughtfully.

You cannot do the other person’s work. You can do yours. Start there, and decide your next step from that clearer place.